Unable to orgasm

[Namechanger37]

Hi, I'm a regular but name changed for this.

I wonder if anyone else is like me, discussing this with friends I seem to be in the minority.

Basically, ever since I lost my vaginity I have never been able to orgasm through sex or manual masturbation. I didnt experience an orgasm until I was 23 and bought a rabbit from ann summers. When using the rabbit I can orgasm but not through any other method.
I've had a number of sexual partners and I'm now in my late 30s so pretty confident about my body. I can't even bring myself to orgasm if I try manually masturbating myself. How can I expect anyone else to do it if I can't manage. So it means unless I use the vibrator I don't come.

Friends say they come through sex or foreplay.
Whats wrong with me? Is anyone else similar? What can I do to change this?

---

If you've found this page in your search of orgasm gels and orgasm lubes that have been recommended by fellow Mumsnet users, you might find our guide to the best orgasm gels useful. Hope this helps! MNHQ

Touch without thinking. Its a good meditation and it works. Your body can do it, if you stop your mind blocking it.

I couldn't do it at all (through sex or by myself) until a few years ago and I'm in my mid twenties now. Sadly whilst I can achieve it myself it's never ever happened through sex or foreplay, no matter how much effort they put in :( I had to teach my body how to get there to be honest, though now I can do it every time. Still, it would be lovely to be able to achieve it through sex...

I'm the same OP. It caused a lot of issues with my ex, and now I'm with a new DP I'm waiting for the shine to wear off and him to get bored. It's such an ego thing for men that I feel quite inadequate. Sex is fun but I'm always left feeling empty afterwards when my DP comes and I don't. And also anxious that eventually he will get pissed off like my ex did.

I wish it was different!

Thanks everyone, Glad I'm not alone then. I feel really peed off that I can't manage this and all around me people talk about sex being amazing and orgasms etc whilst I'm left thinking, it ain't all that!.

Vertec I'm with a new partner and agree it does cause issues, they go from being with a partner who can orgasm to one who can't and I think it knocks their ego. I've even had to tell him to stop trying because it ain't going to happen and it was taking the fun out of it.

Even with the rabbit whereas before I used to be able to have an orgasm pretty quickly I find these days it's taking me longer and longer to get there.

Why are we different ? Is it something that you can eventually learn?

Rose flowers, what led you to being able to?

Bump

Sometimes I can, sometimes i can't. Depends on if I'm stressed/tired.

If you over think it, it makes it much harder. I concentrate on either nothing or think about things that turn me on while I'm with my partner - while stimulating myself, I can't just from intercourse.

I used to be the same with previous partners.
For me it's all about nipples I find it hard to come unless both clit and nipples are being touched at the same time.
So ideally oral sex is perfect for this, I cannot come through penetration. Also I find if I fantastize about something it helps. I need to think about something that turns me on (not an actual person I know, a made up person or couple/situation) and need to relax.
It's always been very psychological for me, when I was younger and hadn't learnt these tricks I would be willing myself to come and that made things so much worse!

OP what do you feel is the biggest issue for you about this? Your dissatisfaction or you imagining your partner's?

For me I've found that if I concentrate on my partner's desire for me then I can enjoy sex more. I don't get an orgasm but I do get pleasure from feeling desired and wanted. And I try and feed this back into being more active in sex to ramp things up for them.

My big fear is my partner seeing my lack of orgasmic enjoyment as a turn off, which would mean in turn I'd find it even harder to muster up enthusiasm for it. This is what happened with my ex and it was a massive part in the breakdown of our relationship.

I think I'm learning to accept that sex is mainly for my DP and it's important to recognise that no-one wants to be having sex with someone who doesn't look like they're digging it, so I put maximum effort in. My new DP says I'm the best sex he's ever had so I must be doing something right

Yes, I am the same. I didn't have an orgasm at all until I was 38 and I can only come using a vibrator and only on the clitoris. I can't make myself come using my fingers either - it just feels like there is no sensation down there.
The sad thing is I always fake it. I do enjoy sex, but I don't think I will ever come from it.

I struggle to make myself come using my fingers. I used to be able to. Now I need something to vibrate and I wonder if that perhaps played a part in it.

I am struggling to orgasm at the moment also. I used to be able to - with my partner - but since this sudden change I cannot and he has taken it personally. Consequently I find it even harder to come as he is clearly anxious about it and feels pressure. We're trying to work through it.

Having said that, I was abused sexually as a child and sometimes the act of sex or, in particular, masturbation causes me to burst into tears. Not exactly a great start.

Have you tried a bullet while being penetrated? Tracey Cox ones are very powerful and highly recommended...!

Vertec, I'm not sure which it is. I think whilst I know I can come with a vibrator I feel odd using it during sex, therefore being manually stimulated would be a lot easier and something I could share with someone. I want to be able to experience my orgasm together. I also feel inadequate as surely this is something most women are able to do. Plus I think if I'm able to have an orgasm during foreplay/sex then I may enjoy sex more.

With my ex husband he knew I couldn't come and so when we had finished sex I used to finish myself off but my new partner is used to past girlfriends being able to come from him stimulating them and I think it's his confusion that I can't that's led me to look into why I can't.
I tried using a vibrator with ex but it's just not the same and they hold it different etc and so I don't come then either!

I find it hard to fantasise. I enjoy the feelings and focus on that but if it's taking too long my mind then wanders to washing etc. I'm the same during sex. I enjoy it initially when I'm gagging for it but don't seem to have that many feelings in my vagina so after a while he could be shagging the bed and I wouldn't notice :) I've just bought some weighted eggs to try and see if toning my pelvic floor helps with this.

This week I've done lots of online searching and found a website where she gives tips on how to do it manually. dodsonandross.com/sexfeature/first-time-orgasm
So I've been practicing and can get myself to a stage where I feel it's near but just can't seem to get there. Then after 20 mins I'm bored. I've also read that maybe using avibrator hasn't helped because now my body is used to that high stimulation and so they suggest to stop using it for a while and keep practicing manually instead.

Paradox- I have the Tracy bullet. I find it too intense though. I haven't tried it during sex but as it's more discreet that the rabbit so maybe I should give it a go. I used to find when I came I could feel the contractions in my vagina but these days I can barely feel them. Not sure why that is either. I've just ordered some gel you rub on to increase sensation to see if that does anything. I should have shares in love honey!

I have to take myself out of the situation and fantasise sometimes. I imagine myself looking down on what we're doing and I had some standard fantasies that I would think about.

I'm pretty lucky though as I can orgasm pretty easily!

That's interesting re body getting used to the vibrator's high stimulations. That's what I thought might be happening. When I first used it I found it very intense, but now TMI I find I have to press harder and harder to feel even the slightest thing. I recently bought some rabbit ears from lovehoney as well as one of their multi-function bullets... But I felt nothing! They might as well have not been switched on.

I can also sometimes manage to get to just before the point of orgasm and then nothing. Except boredom and sometimes tears.

I have recently managed to climax through manual stimulation. I may abstain from vibrator use and see if the feelings come back.

God, what a relief to talk about all this. We should start a support group.

As an aside, apparently only 25% of women claim they can orgasm through penetration alone. My guess is that at least some of your partner's exes faked it. Christ knows my exes didn't know the difference.

My final point being that there is nothing wrong with you. There is no right or wrong way to orgasm and, statistically, you are far, far from abnormal. It isn't exactly something that a lot of women are going to admit to, is it? Precisely for the reasons you highlight - that feeling of 'what is wrong with me?' Feelings of inadequacy that are completely unwarranted.

Don't let any bloke tell you otherwise. He is deluding himself, truly. For what it's worth, in my experience, I have many a time faked an orgasm just to get it to bloody stop. They are so convinced by this that they are determined to give me 'another one' and you can practically see their ego shooting out of their cock (sorry). Glad I vowed never to fake it again.