Advice please - minimal contact with toxic sibling

[Guilianna]

Sis had first child recently and wants me to visit. Am pretty much NC and have agreed but am dreading it. Really don't want her in my life, brings nothing but stress. She's obvs been stewing that I haven't been over already but I am struggling so badly. Help!

Go visit! A baby always brings you all together. It may or may not work. I didn't speak to my sis for 17 years. Am now divorcing and she has been support x100. Just try. Take a pressie for baby and maybe a meal sis can freeze. Just be helpful and let it all take its course.

I am going, I am dreading it so much! glad it all worked out for you nespress, that's really encouraging. I wouldn't dare take cooking, she sneers at my food!

Maybe take a friend with you? Sometimes difficult people behave better when there's an outsider there to witness what they're doing and saying.

When you've just had a baby, you're full of happy, fluffy hormones and utterly on cloud nine. Everything is lovely. She won't be the usual grump you think you're going to visit.

Just pretend you'd been waiting for an invitation as you didn't want to crowd or hassle her at such a special time (our new-baby visitors fell into two camps of the really pushy kind who just HAD to come over immediately, and those who waited to be invited). Take chocolate. Ask what she needs picking up from the shop on your way. Don't compare baby to any awful family members. Say baby is beautiful and has her eyes/nose/whatever, even if baby looks like something from science fiction.

(Visit soon, though, before the happy fluffy hormones wear off and she hits the zombie stage.)

What's the worst that can happen? That bad words are said and you are nc for 17 more years?

Presumably she is willing to make an effort or wouldn't have asked you? Try to relax and give it a chance to work. This might be the time it all changes for the better, you never know!

I may be on my own here but i would not visit her. Why would you, given you do not want her in your life?

It is so sad when sisters don't get on. I have been NC with my sister for two years after years of a troubled relationship with her. My brother has been NC with her on and off for a long time and will never ever speak to her again. They are both similar hard hearted people. He won't discuss her with me and does not want me to contact her, but I feel sad that we are in this position. I have tried with her and that is all you can do. She obviously does care something otherwise she would not ask you to come. I wish my sister would ask me. I know that I would respond. At least you can give her a chance and who doesn't want to see a baby!

I don't feel she asked me because she cares, more that she is outraged I have dared stay away. Taking a friend sounds like a good idea but I can't think of anyone who is free. I'll take flowers and keep it brief.
I wish I could think it would be a change for the better but the family dynamic is really twisted and has been for ever. In my heart I agree with Powerpants. Hopefully that will be it for the foreseeable.

Don't go. There is nothing in it for you, it sounds like, except more pressure, guilt, and sneering.

I've said I will. Even feel ill. Half an hour and it's over! done, dusted. Thanks for understanding, though, I feel quite ashamed the relationship is this bad.

I have a toxic sister too. You have nothing to be ashamed about regarding the state of the relationship. Being pretty much no contact is you having a boundary because of her behavior...to protect yourself.

It sounds like you are resigned to go through with it, so it might help to think of it as a duty visit. You said you would, so it is your duty to do it. (Although a cancellation can be justified as well.)

Or a duty visit for the milestone events, check that box for yourself...It is not really about her, iyswim.

But, be prepared for her to use the baby against you, to manipulate you, to (fill in blank with toxic antics). Instead of flowers for her (which might be construed as you are willing to accept more toxic crap off of her-or to take responsibility for it), I would take a gift for the baby instead. A pack of onesies or a rattle or a sympathy card for having a toxic mom.

Good luck and know in your heart you will at least get a good journal entry out of it.

I see it as a duty visit for the occasion but I am going to find it difficult, particularly re-establishing the NC. In the end I did go with gift for baby. This time tomorrow it will all be over.

Last time I saw her was at a birthday do last summer organised for her by her husband. That was Ok as extended family there too, just ate smiled and went. I just have a bad feeling about tomorrow. Keep it brief, smile, hand over present, coo and escape right? it's what happens afterwards. They tend to turn up here for birthdays, dc and mine, with some car boot sale crap wrapped up, and eye my (admittedly) small living room as if it's a Calcutta slum. I only realised recently it was OK to hate this! (friend of mine caught a v scathing comment which helped make me see it wasn't my imagination). She won't let her husband see his brother because she doesn't like his wife, she's always going on about her weight, clothes and furniture. I really dread her in my life!
OK. Enough. Will repost tomorrow.

Hope you got through it ok, OP. Have you looked at the Stately Homes threads on here? I think you would find them helpful.

I went! it was actually OK. I felt quite in control. Now not to be lulled!
I have seen the stately homes thread, yes. I haven't posted as I really don't want to give headspace to my past any more. Onwards!

Oh, that's good. Sounds as though you've detached a lot, which is great.

Excellent! Capital! Brilliant!

Thanks so much everyone for the support and understanding.