Reposting - Husband walked out - what do I do?

[MrsOB]

* I posted this on divorce/separation but someone suggested I repost here - hope I've done it correctly..... original thread here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/divorce_separation/2090357-Husband-walked-out-yesterday-what-do-I-do *

So, husband just walked out yesterday.

We have 2 DC (7 and 3) who were there when he stormed out. I don't know where he is but assume he is at his Mums getting spoilt with sympathy, while I'm left here with 2 very upset children.

Things haven't been great for a while, he works shifts, I work full time, we rarely see each other and I find it hard working full time and managing most of the childcare alone.

He has said (via text) that he is leaving because I obviously despise him (we haven't been intimate for around 10 months), and I only want him to stay because of the children.

So what happens now? He is supposed to be looking after DS this week in the half term while I work. He said he will pick up DS at 7:30 am and return him at 6 pm.

What do I tell the kids? I'm in shock and can't believe he has gone.

I have to go to work today and pretend all is rosy in my world....

Sorry this has happened to you. I think your first step is to get some RL support because you're going to need it. Do you have friends or family you can be with or talk to? Rather than pretending all is rosy at work your employer should also be made aware (in confidence) that there is trouble at home as they may be able to give you some compassionate leave. I would suggest you try to avoid him looking after the DCs at half-term, for example.

Second step which is quite important is to make sure your finances are safe. Do you have any joint accounts for example? There are other measures you can take such as advising the Tax Credit people that you're now a lone parent and organising a single person discount on the Council Tax. You may not feel up to doing this at the moment but it is miserable to add money worries on top of the emotional upheaval.

Finally, I'd suggest you get legal advice. CAB or some solicitors offer a free initial consultation. Again, you might think it's far too soon to be thinking about divorce but, whatever happens in the future, it never hurts to know where you stand legally.

So he dropped off DS, and I literally begged him not to leave bit he has made his mind up.

I honestly don't recognise the man in front of me... He basically said he'd had enough of me bossing him around and treating him like a child. He also brought up loads of things that I've basically done wrong, and said I resent the shifts he works.

So that is pretty much it, over.

I will contact CAB tomorrow and try and work out where we go from here.

I told my boss and she was understanding - to be fair, working is taking my mind off it.

I don't know how I am going to manage juggling work and childcare, his shifts meant he could help out with school runs etc, but now he's living elsewhere it will not be feasible.

I am so scared and feel so shit about myself, he has painted me as a complete bitch and I really don't think I am....

I think if he can no longer do the school runs etc he will have to pay for a childminder to do it. He can't just opt out and leave you with the problem.

I think you'll feel a lot happier soon, OP. It's a huge shock at first, but soon, when everything like childcare and finances are sorted out, you'll wonder why you hadn't made the decision yourself. Until then, fake it until you make it - don't beg him to stay, look cheerful when you see him and don't keep him talking longer than you need to.

MrsOB I'm so sorry that you are going through this dreadful and difficult time.
You husband is placing all the blame on you in order to make himself feel better. If he can blame you for the breakdown of your marriage he does not have to face the realisation that he is a total arsehole.
He is blaming you so that he doesn't have to face how despicable his own actions are.

This is the start of a painful journey for you, be prepared to discover how little you know about this man.

Take care, try to eat, try to rest.

Thanks guys... I literally can't stop crying, I need to get it all out now the kids are in bed!! Back to happy mummy tomorrow.

I know this is the start of a new life but I'm so scared and worried about the logistics of it all.... And telling everyone that my husband walked out on me :-(

And financially, I can't afford to stay here on my own... Gosh, so many things to think about!

Gonna have a big glass of wine and an early night!

Appreciate the support, haven't told anyone in RL yet apart from boss, oh, and lady at nursery because DD told her!! That's the other thing, I'm left to tell the kids, nursery, I guess school and he just floats on by

Take care of yourself tonight, OP. Don't be tempted to send him messages of any kind, whether they are to check he'll pick up the children or to beg him to come home. He's not your friend; keep your distance from him.

Fear not... There will be no message sending!! Scouts honour ;-)

I've read your other thread now, that is so calculated and cruel of him refusing to discuss anything with you, an attempt by him to remain in control I would think, or to give himself the illusion of being in control.

And as for removing his possessions with your son there, words fail me, poor child, what a thoughtless heartless man.

Hope you enjoy your and get some rest tonight.

I dont wanna sound like a prophet of doom, but is it possible, there's another woman?

Jesus, he's a piece of work, isn't he?

He walks out without warning, tells you by text fgs, and refuses to discuss it.

This would be a shocking thing to do to your wife if you had no kids, but if you do, it is unforgivable.

He owes you a better explanation than this, and he is a sorry arsed coward not to offer one.

That said, someone that cowardly and selfish is likely to be no great loss in the long term.

Poor darling gone to his mummy's, has he?

Did you "boss him around" or just expect him to make a contribution?

Also, do you think there might possibly be an OW?

I honestly don't think there is OW. But I can 100% guarantee that his Mum is pandering to his every need while I'm here sorting out the kids - DS has a temp now, think tonsillitis is on it's way... So guess who will be up all night then off to work first thing? Timing eh?

I think he is depressed but he says it is all my fault - but I honestly was just trying to keep things organised., parties, presents, book day outfits, homework, gym lessons etc....

Sheesh, if he hadn't have left me I'd LTB!