Ready to move on - but how do i meet someone?

[nahidontthinkso]

I'll try and cut a long story short.
10 years ago i met the love of my life. It was a whirlwind romance we moved in quickly and i got pregnant after 5 months, i was only 19 at the time, so young and stupid. He wanted a baby and persuaded me to TTC. Once i was pregnant he turned into a complete twat and was violent and abusive until we split up 3 years later.

Once we split he quickly married someone else but of course it all fell apart. Over the past 7 years he has been in and out mine and DSs life. He has spent long periods with no contact then suddenly reappears (usually when he has been dumped).
Last year he got in contact out of the blue after 3 years of nothing. He decided he wanted to try again. I stupidly said yes. Despite everything that has happened i have always loved him. I haven't been in a relationship with anyone else since the day i met him because he is the one i want to be with. I have tried dating but it has always felt wrong and i have always compared other men to him.
Anyway he has messed me about over the past few months. He has made zero effort with his DS and i have got the point, finally, where i have had enough and don't feel that i want to be with him anymore.

I am finally ready, after all this time, to move on. But the problem is how do i meet someone new?
DS has ASD so i rarely get to go out as i am looking after him all the time. I have a carer for him so i guess i can get out but i have few friends so nobody to go with. I got laid off at work last year so can't meet anybody at work as i don't have a job.
I am considering joining a gym to meet new people but does anybody else have any ideas? or advice please?

I have a feeling that if i do meet someone new, exP will try and worm his way back in. He stand me the idea of me even going out, let alone being with someone else.

You can go down the online dating route or, if you have the money, you could use one of the more bespoke dating services. You could also try services that offer face to face meets through singles nights or similar types of events. Other options could be through friends.

The only thing I will say is, 'are you absolutely sure that you are ready for dating?' On-line dating seems to be the thing these days but if you read the threads on here it is a minefield and you have to be able to spot the tossers and players. I am worried that that is your type (judging by your x) and that you will gravitate towards someone equally as vile. Have you had any counselling to help you change your choice in men and deal with what that loser has done to your self-esteem?

Have you got any kind of hobbies or things that you want to try ever ? I would start with those first. Get out and about and meet like-minded people first. Cos at least, that would give you a different perspective, and find the kind of people that you are looking for. It takes a bit of time, but a balanced life is what you are hoping for too, right ? OD can be intense and it can be hit and miss. So you do need a back-up plan for a nice social life to begin with. Are there any kind of social network or group near where you are? Join a sports club, or a walking club, or a dancing club. Anything like that is good.

I have looked at online dating but i've seen loads of losers that i went to school with on there so its put me off! I also heard a few horror stories.

Buzzard to be honest i'm not 100% sure that i am ready but i feel that i've wasted 10 years pining for someone who doesn't know how to treat me right. I'm 30 this year and i want to have all the normal things like marriage and maybe another child so i need to start dating.
I've not had any counselling or anything but i was also very confident before i met exP and over the 3 years he wasn't around i seem to have found myself again.
He's not managed to twist me around his little finger over the past few months like he used to and its annoyed him. He got arse on over the weekend because i went to my friends DS's 4th birthday party. He tried to talk me out of it but i went anyway so he called me a bitch! He's a complete idiot.
I am worried though that i might end up with a tosser again but my best friend has a twat radar so she will make sure i'm ok. She's always hated exP but it's hard to let go when you've had a child together.

Well, if you are pining for someone who is not right for you then you won't open your eyes to see the possibilities. I also did this and wasted an awful lot of my own time to be honest. Once I let go and did things which I liked, and continued on that journey, things fell into place for me. I start to know who is right for me and who isn't and so forth. It will start to make sense then.

Yes, OD can indeed have a lot of "losers" as you say, but I come to learn that they are just as lost as you and me. But finding yourself and anchor yourself to something which means a lot to you allows you to open your eyes again. To me, it sounds like whatever you and your ex have is quite toxic. You need to find something to replace that for now. For me, it was my dancing. It exposed me to people, and I do like that freedom feeling.

Don't give your ex so much attention. Just let it go. If he sulks he sulks, that is his problem, you do not have to react to it. He has to find his own path and you also need to do the same now too.

Thanks Maisie that makes a lot of sense.
I've wasted 10 years of my life on something that is never going to make me happy no matter how much i want it to. Your right, our relationship is and always has been toxic and i've only just realised that's its never going to change.
I think i'm going to try the gym to start with, just to get out and socialise more and then hopefully i can make some new friendship groups and take it from there.
I was just starting to make friends with some school mums but DS is has just been moved to an independent special school 40 miles away so i don't even get to do the school run anymore coz he goes in a taxi.

That sounds like a good start.
If you must look back, then learn the lesson from the past. The present now is what you should focus on now, and the future will come, and who will know what surprise it may hold ?