He keeps talking about his past (before me)!

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We've been together 6 years and have 2 children.

He lived in Oz for 4 years (10 years ago), and every week talks about a dream he had in Australia.

When he's not dreaming about it, he's reminiscing: "in Oz I saw this"... "Back in Oz I did that" ... "That reminds me of Australia"...

I really get the feeling he is slightly obsessed by it, in an unhealthy sense. He says he can't make out why he's so obsessed as he doesn't want to be there anymore. He suggested I ask around to see if anyone has any ideas about why it's such a big thing to him now, 10 years down the line.

He says some dreams are more nightmares but yet he still has some sort of emotional attachment to the place. Something makes him keep talking about it. So much so that he doesn't talk about anything else much at all.

He says he doesn't want to go back there because he wants to be close to family.

He says he doesn't have any unfinished business with an exes out there.

He's the sort of person that uses denial a lot and is optimistic to a fault (unrealistically so).

Any insight?

Harking back to a happy time is fairly normal but I think people who live in nostalgia to that extent are trying to avoid the present. It's a 'happy place' retreat.... a kind of mental garden shed where he can hole up away from the realities of the here and now and procrastinate against a kangaroo backdrop :) Suggest he tries to engage more with reality, deal with whatever it is that is bothering him at the moment and tackle it head on. There will be something.

A few things spring to mind OP:

It represents a time in his life when he was happy & free of the responsibilities that the perceives are stressing him out in the present. Is he stressed?

He has other unfinished business out there

A mid life crisis

Mental health issues that would cause him to focus & obsess on one point of his life. If he really can't talk about anything else then he could go to see his doctor for advice.

Only he knows why.

That's very insightful. What is it about being objective and seeing things with clarity when you're an observer?

I think the reasons it slightly concerns me as it's got a lot worse recently. He also announced out of the blue that he wasn't happy in our relationship, with his work, with looking after our children, with everything really - a few months back. So it makes sense it's a form of escapism.

Onetiredmummy - he's very stressed at the moment.

I suspect a little depressed too, but of course he denies it, denial being one of his best coping mechanisms.

He's physically very tired and stressed out of his head with having 2 preschoolers at home.

I think that you're correct, the Australia comments are connected to the not wanting to be in the relationship/work/father role & just generally thinking he's not happy with his life. This is concerning.

Can you get him to the doctor?

Has he just started this or has it been going on all the time? Can you identify a trigger point? A dream analyst would say it's not about what's happening in the dream or where it's located, it's about the feelings the dreams provoke. So, for example, if in the dream he is in Australia and feeling trapped then it's not really about Australia, it's about feeling trapped in his current life.

I've just read your update. It sounds like he is feeling a bit lost so harking back to a time when he felt more in control and happier. (I know I sometimes do this if I'm feeling low because it helps to remind myself that I am capable and able to be happy, and the current problems are not representative of my entire life).

However, he has to try to put everything in perspective. He has responsibilities now and life is different. It doesn't necessarily make it worse.

"he wasn't happy in our relationship, with his work, with looking after our children, with everything really "

So he thinks opting out of 'life' is an option? What was your response to this bombshell? 'Welcome to my world' or have you been a little unnerved, taken much more on yourself and tried to keep him happy?

But was he really happy in Australia? Was is all unicorns and rainbows and puppy dogs? He probably had bad days in Oz too, rain, arguments with friends/neighbours, crap job etc but he is just glossing over that and remembering the good bits.

As for him not being happy with things the way they are, what has HE done about changing things? I really hope it hasnt been you changing things to try and make him happy

You need to know what is triggering his lost feelings.

I just came to realise that it is more common to become "depersonalised" than we think. It is in your best interest as well as his to actually find a way so that he can become more connected. Whether this is for him to get some "me" time in the form of a hobby. Or to find another alternative way to raise children. The way that you guys can handle and feel good with. Whether it is the job that he is doing etc etc.

He denies it but he's looking for something.

He wants to start afresh - perhaps there - hopefully with you and DCs.

Has he been ill? Are you coming through a bad patch?

Sometimes we think the grass really is greener on the other side of the fence. It's pretty natural I would have thought to be nostalgic for happier, less stressful times in our lives. Perhaps you can suggest that you have a family Australia Day where you dress up, research and eat everything Australian. You can even drink Oz wine or lager. Go totally over the top with it all and tell him to get it all out of his system. Remind him that you all love him and need him and hopefully he will realise that his heart really belongs here now and that yesterday has gone. It doesn't need to be totally forgotten about but put into a healthier context. Sounds like he is finding family life/responsibility a bit daunting. Can you have a fun family day out/holiday together so you can all learn to laugh again, have fun and enjoy being together again?

'mental health issues' - really?!!! I think not.

OP If he's boring you with it just tell him to stop going on about it, he says he doesn't want to go back so why hark on about it...tell him to change the subject