Really scared and need advice

[Imtellingthetruth]

Hi all I have name changed for this as I am petrified of people in real life finding this and trying to use it against me.

This is very difficult to explain but I was adopted when I was a baby and my adoptive mother turned out to be a narc and I have suffered all my life at her hands but didnt really realise how bad it was until the last few years. I was also sexually abused by my adopted brother.

Things came to a head nearly 2 years ago and I went nc with her. My depression and anxiety has been spiraling out of control so we are paying for me to see a counsellor and it has been going well, DH also decided to make a 'cry for help' to his Dad to try and help us get support and we thought they were going to help but at the weekend they secretly visited my adoptive parents and then because they were having the kids for half term dh went off to meet them and his Dad pulled him to the side and told him about the meeting at that after speaking to them he was 'skeptical' of my version of events and is now passing them photos and info.

Im not good at explaining things and writing it down but basically he thinks I am crazy and Im scared they are going totry and get me sectioned or get ss involved etc. I cant prove anything happened and Im terrified

Please help

Not knowing your full story OP & going by what you have said here it all sounds a little odd.

What help could your FIL provide, why did your DH approach him for a cry for help? Finances or a medical background perhaps?

So the approach to your FIL is made, then your PIL suddenly visit your parents out of the blue (knowing where they live & their contact details despite you being NC for 2 years ?) & took the kids to meet them? Are you sure this is the first time the 2 sets of parents have been in contact with each other?

Does your counsellor have details of the abuse you have suffered? Have there ever been any police or other authority involvement that would demonstrate ongoing abuse over a sustained period of time? (I'm thinking of you being scared that you can't prove anything).

I'm so glad you're getting help & things are going well with your counsellor. SS can't just swoop in & take your children & they would be more concerned with you ignoring your depression & anxiety, so from their point of view its better that you're seeking help for it.

See im no good at getting things out clearly.

DH wanted us to get any help they could offer as they live nearly 5 hours away and the only people near us is my adoptive parents that we are nc with. They offered to have the kids for half term and also to help financially with the cost of the counsellor.

The parents have only seen each other a couple of times twice at our Childs Birthday parties and at our wedding. The kids parties were at my adoptive parents house and they used to send each other Christmas cards so have their address. Once they had arranged to come and collect the kids they arranged to go and see them without telling us.

Yes I have told my counsellor everything but have never involved the police and that isnt a route I want to take, I just want to deal with it myself so that I can move on.

My adoptive Mother is very manipulative and they have fell for it hook line and sinker. They believe I am making it all up but I swear I am not.

I have recently been back in contact with a cousin and she has admitted that herself and her Mum can see how manipulative she is and that they have believed for years that 'something isnt right with her'
My DH has also seen what she is like and promises he believes me but his Dad is trying to say that he has been taken in by me and is trying to persuade him to take me to the docs and get me 'sorted' I am currently under the doc and have been taking 100g sertraline for months and was on a waiting list for counselling but when this took too long we decided to pay privately instead. The counsellor has been fantastic and I am really starting to turn a corner but all this has thrown me a bit.

Is your DH able to kindly tell his dad that you are improving & your recovery isn't helped by their sneaking around with your estranged family & taking the grandchildren to see unsuitable family members?

Do you have contact with your FIL or is all this filtering through your DH?

Hi OP, you sound really anxious, and I am not surprised given the circumstances. Just to say, can you ask for your meds to be upped? I am on 200g Sertraline for life after several anxiety-related depressive episodes and I find anything less than that really doesn't work. 100g certainly wasn't enough for me.

It might make all the difference and allow you to focus on confronting your past with your counsellor. Dont worry about FIL. Just get DH to tell him that if he chooses to side with your parents, you will have no choice but to cut him out as well. Then ignore him.

Sorry - mg obviously!

Sorry they never took the children to see them but have passed on photos to them.
He is pretty scared of his Dad in some ways and in others doesnt want to cut any last ties with them which I get but it also means he doesnt back me all the way and finds excuses in their behaviour.
My DH had a pretty shit childhood too and I stupidly told his Dad that much in an email so now he is saying I am being abusive and nasty, My DH says he probably wouldnt have spoke out to his Dad but what I said was the truth and that it probably hurt him to see the truth.

I don't feel I need my meds upping and the counselling is going well but FIL is trying to make out it isnt.

The kids are still with them and part of me is screaming out to go and grab them right now but on the other hand it would be good to have a few days break and another session with the counsellor before they return, I am also scared of causing a scene and fetching them early as when DH was young there was history of them kidnapping him off each other (MIL and FIL split when DH was very young and both remarried) and a massive custody battle

I have just had a session with my counsellor and not much happened as I was busy explaining everything and I am seeing her again on thursday.

I am more than ready to cut them out as they have never really added anything to our lives anyway but its not my call its my DH's

Hi op

Sorry your having such a crap time at the moment,

Getting someone sectioned is not straight forward if not damn near impossible to do. It seems you both have narc il to deal with. I know it's easier said than done, but your fil can do nothing about you the kids neither can your adoptive family.

If you need the break then leave the kids with the il's you are doing just fine as you are, your engaging with your therapist and wanting to move forward, this kind of interference is all it is interference from one toxic pair of fuckwits to another pair of fuckwits.

Please don't concern yourself with their judgments or their ideas of you, you know the truth and now so do we, your only need right now is your immediate family unit, and your metal health both of which sound like they are on an even keel.

I wonder also if it might be possible why you are having therapy to get your dh on a waiting list for some of his own, sometimes if one person is getting better the other person still hurting can become a hindrance, and envious of the other moving forward.

Thanks guilty you have pretty much reinforced what the counsellor said and she agrees that I am doing well.

I have just spoken to DH about my fears and he has told me he is planning on sending his Dad an email once the kids are safely home and will be opening up about his childhood and has said it will be a make or break email and if they continue they way they are going he will cut them off.
We have already discussed him getting therapy himself and he is open to it, may get him to come along to one of mine and then start his own too.I know that I will need to support him too so I need to get better to help him get better and then we can finally move on together stronger than ever.

Im under no illusion that it will easy but I am determined that my kids will never go through any of this crap!

I can understand wanting to get the kids right now. In fact, I would say go for it.

It's not good for them to be with someone who is badmouthing their mother the way your FIL is.

Glad to see your DH has decided to stand up to his parents. Sounds like you both have toxic parents.

DH disagrees that his dad is toxic and while it isnt on par with my adoptive Mother there is definitely traits and issues there.

They are not badmouthing me to the kids but they are to my adoptive parents and I have seen evidence of this that they don't know I have seen and this was what made my husband see just how underhand this is.
I desperately want them home with me but we have decided that we need to play a slightly longer game so not to alert them to what we know so that they havent got time to plan anything. We will probably go and fetch them earlier than planned though.