Not sure what to think

[Tex111]

Last night DH woke me up after I had fallen asleep. He was still up and it sounded almost as if he was running around downstairs. I got up and asked if he was ok. He said he was fine and I said that he had woken me up making noise. He's been doing this regularly and I've told him that it disturbs my sleep. He comes to bed later than me and is often up earlier and is like the proverbial bull in a china shop. DS has even complained.

DH came to bed and fell asleep within seconds. I was then wide awake and nudged him and said I was irritated and he could at least apologise. He was furious that I had woken him up and we were up until 4am arguing.

Somehow this opened a whole can of worms for DH. He started telling me all the things that I do wrong from leaving my bag on the step to being negative all the time. I know I've been suffering with anxiety. I came off ADs a year ago after seven years on them. My father, who I adored, died two years ago and my mother just remarried and I've found it very painful. My relationship with my mother has deteriorated. I've been seeing a counselor once a week, which is helping but it's slow.

Basically DH said he couldn't live like this and maybe it would be better if he moved out. He's been going through a tough time too. Unhappy in his job but so well paid that he feels he can't leave. I've been supportive and encouraging about doing something else. Even quitting and retraining. DH is upset that I haven't been more supportive of his diet and exercise regime. He's always had a difficult relationship with food, losing and gaining weight many times over our 22 years together. He admits that there are psychological issues around his overrating but says he doesn't want to deal with them now. Because of this I do try not to encourage his weight loss but I have said positive things about him maintaining a balance this time. In the past he's put himself on very restrictive diets and injured himself working out too hard. I try to be positive and supportive but it's true that I don't want to encourage a possible obsession again. This makes him angry.

I don't know what to think. He says I overanalyse everything but I feel like I need to understand what's going on. We have two children (8&11) and I'm worried about the effect this could have on them. DH says my negativity affects the children.

I've wondered if I should go back on the ADs as the anxiety is very bad and maybe it's what DH sees as negativity. He says the ADs make me a zombie, so I feel like I can't win! Very upset and confused.

Sorry this is long and rambling. Haven't been able to sleep. My head is spinning.

It sounds as though you need to have a repeat of the conversation but at a time and place when everyone's less tired and ratty. If he's waking you up every night 'running around' downstairs, perhaps the first thing you should address as a couple is how you can get a better quality and quantity of sleep with both of you agreeing to go to bed at a reasonable time? A lot of health problems - physical and mental - are made worse by poor sleep patterns. Anxiety and depression are not helped by adding fatigue on top. Neither is obesity incidentally.... a tired person is more likely to make poor food choices in an effort to revive flagging energy and is less likely to want to exercise.

I think this probably happens in all marriages.

Because you don't both go on about niggles, worries, fears, in an attempt to be amenable, you store up anger against the other. Also it's a shock to find your little habits are irritating to the other partner big time.

It looks like you are both due an honest discussion to air your grievances. Then make a plan going forward taking these into consideration, neither is wrong or right.

You make DH sound the baddie in this but if I had to work at a job which I hated because I felt the high salary was necessary I'd be pretty pissed off too.

Ruby Wax' book is useful for anxiety problems.

I agree that we definitely need to have this conversation again. My fear is that one of DH's complaints is that we keep having deep talks and he finds it a drain. We do seem to be going through a turning point in our lives and we've been having talks about the future, including lots about how and when DH can leave his job and his unhappiness there. I feel so confused because I thought it was helping him to talk about it but now he's complaining.

Just had a little talk and I'm more confused than ever. He says that he feels like I treat him differently. He said that I buy the groceries but he has to buy his own toiletries. I pointed out that I always ask if he needs anything when I do the groceries, that I'm happy to buy his toiletries and that I have bought them whenever he's asked.

He's also upset about our loft room. When we bought this house we agreed that he would use the room as his office and he has his own bathroom. I use the downstairs loo with the kids because I prefer a shower over the bath to a shower stall. I've been happy for DH to have that space but he keeps it in a mess and I don't like to go up there. I feel it's his space though and if he wants it messy that's his choice and I shouldn't dictate how it's kept. DH was complaining that no one else used the room so last year he bought a big screen TV and a big sofa. Now the kids like to go up there to watch a TV and play video games and DH complains that they mess it up and he has to pick up after them. He thinks I should go up there and clean it up. I still don't like to go up there as it is a mess with DH's sweaty workout clothes hanging everywhere and papers on every surface and I don't think I should have to clean it up. I clean and tidy the rest of the house and we have a cleaning lady who cleans once a week, including the loft room. But DH thinks I treat him like a second class citizen by not going up there and picking up after the kids. I suggested he get the kids to pick up after themselves but that hasn't happened.

He also mentioned again about his job and I said again that we can cut back and he can take time to find something else. We've been talking about a family holiday and he's pushing for the Maldives. I suggested we do something cheaper but he says the savings isn't enough to make a difference though it would be thousands of pounds. His idea is to buy a bunch of investment properties while taking on massive debt. I'm uncomfortable with the idea of so much debt and he says I'm 'restricting' him but he won't consider any other alternatives. I just don't know what to do!

For myself I've made a doc appointment today. I think I should go back on the ASs regardless of what DH thinks. My anxiety is through the roof with my own worries and worries about DH. I wonder if I help myself then maybe it will inspire him or at least I might start coping better.

Being charitable, I think you're being given the runaround. This 'never happy' & 'you don't support me' business, whilst doing nothing constructive for himself, is sounding increasingly selfish, unpleasant and more of a way to make you feel unhappy/guilty/unsettled than anything else.

The reason he doesn't like 'deep talks' is that his complaints would be exposed for what they are... selfish laziness. If there were a third party mediator present I think they would be saying to him 'what are you doing about it?'... rather than allowing him to conveniently blame you for everything.

I suggest you look after yourself and the DCs and remind yourself that he is an adult and he should take responsibility for himself. 'What are you going to do about it?' from now on rather than 'How can I make it better?'

Thanks, Cogito. We went to marriage counselling for a year a few years ago and it was just as you described. I remember DH criticising me for a deflated paddling pool being left in the garden. When the counselor asked him why he didn't bin it himself he was flabbergasted. It had never occurred to him.

The stuff over the loft room is very familiar. We covered this ground in counseling but now it's like it never happened. DH has reverted back. The therapist pointed out that he creates situations that separate him from the family, then blames me. I reminded him of this this morning so he just moved on to another complaint.

I really think he is very unhappy in his job and that's affecting how he feels about everything. He basically said that this morning. His self worth is very tied up in his income though and I think that's why it's so hard for him to walk away. I really feel for him and want to help and I'm willing to do what's needed (as long as it doesn't compromise my principles like saying I'm comfortable with massive debt when I'm not). I'm just getting mixed messages. I think of other people too much, I think of myself too much. I don't compliment DH enough, I don't give the right kinds of compliments. I don't do enough for DH, I try to do too much. On the plus side, he says I'm a very good mum.

"I really think he is very unhappy in his job and that's affecting how he feels about everything"

I think he's using his job unhappiness as a big fat excuse to be a miserable bugger.... I can treat her like shit and complain all the time but she'll carry on being nice to me because I'm all upset about my job and she's a sucker for a sob story

Time to get tough OP and resign from your role of 'Aunt Sally'. If he hates his job he either deals with it or he shuts up about it, and in both scenarios he straightens his face at home.

I am definitely a sucker for a sob story. A part of me thinks that if he hated his job so much then he would find a way to leave. I don't understand why he doesn't want to save on things like the holiday but he says if we don't make the most of his salary then there's no point. I counter that there's no point in him remaining miserable. This morning I said that I can't sort out his job for him but that I'm supportive of whatever change he needs to make. He said that because I'm uncomfortable with more debt (he's already bought two flats and is about to buy another taking our mortgage debt to over £500,000 and I'm very uncomfortable with taking on more) I'm limiting him and keeping him trapped in the job. If we didn't buy this third flat he could take a whole year off and decide what he wants to do, retrain if necessary, but he says that's more risky than the debt and I don't understand finance and investments. I freely admit that I don't understand all the financial stuff but not taking on a shed load of debt right before quitting a job seems like common sense. We just go round and round and round.

Saw the doc, cried through my appointment and was given a prescription for 20mg citalopram. I hope this will calm my anxiety so I can think more clearly about it all.

Thanks for the feedback. Really helps when I've felt like I've been losing my mind today. DH texted an 'I love you'. Hopefully he's feeling better too.

Who is he getting all this financial and investment advice from? A bank? A mate? A business adviser? Is he in finance himself? Because, in your shoes, I would also be very unhappy with whopping great debts and I would want him to run his business plan (does he even have a business plan) for this property portfolio past someone who knows their stuff and could a) explain it to me and b) see if it has any merit. It's not good enough to commit family money on the strength of one partner's big idea to get rich and then accuse the other partner of being obstructive simply because they don't share the vision.

He uses a company for other investments but the flats are all DH. His plan is to replace his salary with rental income. I asked if he'd done the numbers so he knew what he needed to work towards. He said he can't predict things like tax and interest rates so he doesn't have a business plan or a spreadsheet. He said he would feel like Walter Mitty if he was crunching numbers. That doesn't really make sense to me and I told him so. He just gets frustrated. Says I don't understand. Then I feel guilty because I think maybe I don't understand the finance stuff but it also doesn't feel right to just stick my head in the sand.