How do I handle this?

[MarchingFrog01]

Namechanged.

I am 30 and in a profession which I enjoy, but which is very competitive. It is also very small and cliquey. You advance in it by knowing lots of people and making lots of contacts.

I would very much like to change to another job within the profession, however it is very difficult to do this without getting a leg up from someone already there. (This isn't a job governed by the HR procedures!)

A little while ago, I met a man who is pretty senior in the job that I would like to go to. We met at work function and got along pretty well. A few weeks later, I emailed him and asked for work experience. He said yes, but then didn't seem that keen when I followed it up, so I left it.

I have recently undergone a dramatic overhaul in my appearance, and if I do say so myself, I look pretty good. Well, better than I did! I attended an event recently and saw this man there. He made it pretty clear he was interested and immediately suggested we went out for a drink.

I went, but made it clear it was on a professional basis. At the drink, we discussed my career move and he suggested several steps that we could take to help me achieve the move I want. He offered to help me with that and I accepted - I really had to, it is very difficult to get there without assistance and he is my only contact.

Since then, he has suggested we go out for a drink again. I have made an excuse. He has also made a couple of fairly suggestive comments which make it clear he is interested in me. He is maybe 15 years my senior and single.

I am confused as to what to do. I have been trying to break into this field for ages, and this man has provided the one clear path into doing so. I would really struggle to engineer another opportunity this good. However, I am conscious of my reputation, particularly as a woman.

Obviously, I am not going to sleep with him/lead him on or anything like that. But how do I handle this? Do I tell him to fuck off? Or play along?

It's tricky - I've been in this situation before. It's playing with fire but if you are sure you won't get into a difficult position then it might be worth meeting him for some advice. However - make this lunch or coffee, not drinks, and if possible make some non-clumsy mention of a possibly imaginary partner. If he is going to be helpful workwise, then he'll pick up the signal and be helpful anyway, if not, then you know your answer and can excuse yourself with some reasonable excuse.

Shag him. Get promoted. Simple.

I like the idea of the imaginary partner. :) Just to be clear. Would you end up working with this man if you were successful in your job change or do you need him simply for advice and the connections? I don't think there is anything intrinsically wrong in using the fact that he fancies you to get what you need out of him as long as you are very clear that you are off limits personally and avoid - as you say - being compromised. So you have to politely put down any suggestive comments, keep it strictly professional and limit the 'drinks' to coffee, daytimes, public areas etc.

Thanks all. The coffee idea is a great one - I hadn't considered it, as everything is done in bars in this job.

Cog - I wouldn't be working with him directly, but he would always be there. It isn't just advice he is giving me, he is putting a small amount of work my way to help me. Which is great, but creates an extra burden as there is a financial cost to him to do so.

I don't think there is anything intrinsically wrong in using the fact that he fancies you to get what you need out of him

I think this is the nub of the problem for me - I am struggling to adapt to my image change (lost half my body weight) and the new way that men deal with me. I am actually very innocent when it comes to this kind of thing and it somehow feels wrong to use my sexuality in this way.

Unfortunately, he has already winkled out of me that I don't have a partner (my naivety again) but I may just have to meet the man of my dreams in the next week or so!

Of course it's not wrong to use his weakness for your own benefit. I know that makes me sound like Hard Hearted Hannah, the Vamp of Savannah... but, provided you maintain your professional distance and personal integrity, what are you actually doing that's wrong?

I would be wary however of anything that could constitute an obligation e.g. the small amount of work he puts your way. Has to be very, very clear that you are not the reward for him doing this. In fact, once done, a gift of a bottle of scotch with a professional thank you card attached (no x's on the card!!!!) should draw a neat line under it.