relationships

[Cwtch12]

I have left my husband a month ago. Was in a controlling relationship.We have two children they finding it very hard since we apart. I have explained to the children why we are at my mams, but my husband is giving the children wrong signals as hes involving them in getting me back.I realise it is too late for this and need to tell my husband our marriage is over but find it hard to tell him and dread telling the chidren. Can anyone help please?

How old are your children as that will influence what kind of information they can be given or expected to deal with.

As regards your husband, I'd have thought the fact that you and the DCs are staying with your mother and have done so for a month is a bit of a clue that it's over. However, if he's not taking you seriously, you probably need to follow up with something more official. If there was any bullying present and you feel intimidated, you might find it easier to send an e-mail that you keep to practical matters. 'The marriage is at an end. You'll be hearing from my solicitors shortly regarding a divorce. I trust you'll be cooperative so that the children don't suffer'

Then, if you haven't already, get yourself some legal advice. When you say 'wrong signals' being given to the children, do you mean that he's pumping them for information? Telling them that Daddy still loves Mummy?

He is still trying to control you through your children. How old are they?

It sounds as though he doesn't actually believe that its over. This is quite common & one way to deal with it to to start your divorce & get official paperwork sent to him. (Please be prepared though that some men get nasty when they do realise that you're serious.) Now you have split you are under no obligation to talk to him on the phone/email/face to face. Your contact can be to suit you & only when it involves the children.

Your children need to know. At the moment they're getting some serious propaganda from your ex about 'him getting you back' & you will start to look like the unreasonable one given time. Don't get into all the details but depending on their age they can be told that you have decided to live apart as your not happy living together anymore. Tell them that its not their fault & that you love them and focus on how it will affect them. How will their lives change etc, will they have 2 bedrooms once at each house, when will they see daddy & so on.

Thank you for your advice,our children are thirteen and nine. The youngest wants to be at home as he is missing his home,he is constantly asking why I have left and when are things going to be back to normal. Dad is telling the children that he wants me back so children are doing their best to make this happen.When we go out for a day trip asking can dad come,so awkward. Also when they with dad they want mam to come along.I have explained to them why I have left but they just see at the moment that dad is sorry.Dread telling husband it is over feel its only fair face to face as we have been married fourteen years. Have tried to make it work but know now theres no return.Hope my husband will agree to tell the children together but he does tend to involve them when I tend to hide things from them to protect their feelings.Where do I go from here?

You need to move out of your mum's if possible, as it may be confusing to the children & making them think your split is temporary. Phone the tax credits helpline, cancel your joint claim & start a new claim as a single parent.

Go to a solicitor or CAB (free) to see about sharing joint assets, if the house is in joint names can you stay there while he leaves, how to start your divorce. If you rent then can you claim Housing Benefit for a private rental house. Think about how you will support your household & remember he will pay maintenance as well. You will leave your solicitor or CAB knowing what he is entitled to & what you are entitled to & you will feel more in control.It will help you to deal with him better & to be less shaken by any threats e.g. he will have the house/children etc.

Think about what access the children should have.

Then tell him in the way that seems best to you. You don't have to see him or talk to him face to face as you don't owe him anything now. Try not to ask him for stuff, tell him what you want to happen.

I think you definitely have to see a solicitor, get the ball rolling and then talk to him - face to face if you think that's the right thing to do - simply to present it as a fait accompli.

Your children need to understand - and I think it has to come directly from you without his interference - that this is a grown-up decision between you and their father that they can't influence and are not responsible for. You can acknowledge that you are sad about it and that things are going to change but it has to be very clear that the decision has been taken. It's not 'involvement' to drag a child into an adult relationship breakdown the way he's doing, it's a form of emotional abuse. Very important that they don't end up feeling that things could have been different if they had tried harder. Very important.