Cheating verbally agressive husband threatening to take son

[scout79]

Hi all
I need some advise. I have been with my husband over 10 years, been married for 5 and we have a son who is 2 together. A little over 2 months ago I found out that he has been cheating on me with call girls - hookers - couples (from online sites) and orgies. Just writing that down makes me feel so sad. We haven't had sex in a while as my son sleeps so very very poorly and I do EVERYTHING on my own. occasionally I get a bit of help if he takes him out for the day or if I get a lie-in for an hour or two but that's it. He says he pays the bills so really the rest is up to me. He blames me for the lack of sex and 'if I would just open my legs more' then it would be so much better. :( I truly can't believe he even says those things to me.
I have also just read a book called "men who hate women, and the women who love them' which is a phenomenal book (albeit despite the title) and it made me realise and accept for the first time that I am in a verbally abusive relationship. So for the last two months I have been looking at my relationship with fresh eyes trying to decide if we can work it out.
I asked him to go to see a therapist and also for us to have couples counselling, which we are doing - but its not making any difference.
The problem is that when we talk about options and the possibility of splitting up he starts telling me things like he will do whatever it takes to make sure our son stays with him, he will 'lay waste to anyone who tries to take him' and will go at it 100% to make sure he stays with him.
I am actually dreading telling him that I want us to separate because I don't know what he's going to do. He's a tall man with massive presence, a big booming voice and very frightening when angry. Although I don't personally think he will be physically violent, I am so unsure of how he's going to react - will he take him away? what rights do I have? how can I make sure our son stays with me? etc
I have an appointment to see a solicitor this week but I'm so concerned about my situation.
I have also been in touch with the job centre about what benefits I'm entitled to as soon as I let him know what I want to do.
Do any of you have any experience with this?
Its awful but I often question myself - am I exaggerating? is he REALLY that bad? will the courts believe me if I don't believe myself?
please help!
xx

Agree with other above.

In the meantime while you are at home and he is out, start collating evidence of everything you can - documents, finances, cheating, prostitues etc - everything.

He uses his shouty voice, nasty words and all the threats as he is a bully.

Knowledge is your friend.

I agree with all the pp who have said speak to Womens Aid or a solicitor.

He will tell you what he needs to tell you to keep you in the position you are in now.

Think about this for a minute, OP.

Do you think he wants full custody?

Do you think he's thinking - 'Right! There's no way she's leaving me and taking him. I want to be the one there to give him a bath, to put him to bed. I want to be the one to make sure he's eating properly and getting enough sleep, and spending every evening with him. I'm going to have to change my work hours and of course I know there'll be no going out for me, but it's worth it to care for my boy. I want to be the one doing the potty training, the clothes shopping, the sleepless nights..'

Really? Really?

No. Of course not. He doesn't want to lift a finger to share the daily care of your son now, of course he doesn't want to live alone with him and do the lot. It would be his worst nightmare, frankly!

Surely you can see that?

So why is he saying this? Indeed - why does every abusive, lazy, totally-disinterested-in-childcare fucker say exactly the same?

As lots of others have said, it's about control. They (quite correctly, and cleverly) try and think of the one thing which will scare you into staying with them and carrying on taking their abuse, cooking their meals and washing their pants. And this is it - I'll take your children off you.

It's laughable, really. Yes, as if a court is going to look at a couple, one of which has always been primary carer, and decide that yes, we'll give full residence to the other parent, who also happens to have a conviction. Yup.

As others have also said, the absolute MOST he would get is shared residence. Ooh yes, lots of childcare PLUS lots of opportunities for you to have child-free time and go out on the pull! Ha - no thanks!

The best way to deal with this nonsense?

'Fine, then I guess it will go to court. I don't believe for a second that you will get full residence, so don't even try and scare me with that nonsense. What is possible, though, is shared residency - 50/50 care. Please do go to court, because I think that would be a good thing - you've barely bothered to do any care for DS since he was born, so it would be great to see you step up now we're separating. I've often thought how unfair it is that I do all the work, so it's a relief to see that your plans include doing your fair share of childcare and giving me child-free time to go out and have a social life of my own... After all, I'm sure we're both going to want to move on with new
relationships one day!'

And watch him turn round and snarl at you that you can fuck right off, there's no way he's gonna be sitting in on a weekend mopping up after YOUR kid so you can go out and fuck other blokes, he'll be having him every other Saturday afternoon and no more, if you think he's going to be your babysitter you've got another think coming...'

And result

Bruno is a genius & is spot on.
Print that post out!

Had a similar experience here Op , and its the usual bullying bullshit script about taking kids. When I was on the receiving end of it I would get very upset about these threats which he obviously enjoyed. I got wise quick and calmly remarked that actually I agree , I think it would be best if the kids stayed with him , after all he earned more ect ect. Imagine the explosion , I'm not looking after the fxxxxxx kids while you swan off ect!!!!!! Try it. He will soon rethink it.

Your not dealing with an ordinary person. Therefore know before you start that he won't accept ordinary reason or logic. Get your ducks in a row which means

Confide in your gp or women's aid about the abuse. This guarantees that you'll get legal aid.

Get evidence of his use of prostitutes and give this to someone else to take care off.

Record him abusing you , it's easy enough on your phone. Again give it to someone else to look after.

He's not beyond threatening you , unfortunately whether it's in your nature or not you need to be able to prove that he is abusive to defend yourself and also to protect your son.

Last thing , don't tell him that you want to separate , tell him that you ARE separating. I personally wouldn't do this until I was in a position to actually leave or have him leave. I would also aim for no contact with son , and a court order for him to stay awAy from you.

Of course I didn't do any of the above and suffered on going abuse for years with it.

Why do you even consider working it out with him, he's abusing you OP and it's not a good picture to show your young son.

He would get fuck all custody especially as he is abusive.

Arm yourself with knowledge, plan your escape, he won't change, in fact he's probably just carried on regardless, putting you at sexual risk as well as stripping you of any self worth, please get out, you don't have to live this way.

Tell him FA until you are in a position of control.

Ladies thank you so much for your words and support. I have been to see a solicitor now and she has said to either go stay with a friend somewhere or go to a refuge and file for an injunction and harassment order. Do you know which one is better? I'd prefer to stay with my friend tbh as she has young kids the same age as my son and is very supportive. What would be best for my case?
Also does husband have any rights in the interim to see my son?

I would go the refuge route or else it could be seen that you have abandoned the marital home and put you in a worse position.

Parents don't have "rights" over children; children have a right to a relationship with both parents as long as it is in their interests. This may mean that if your H steps up his abuse of you, a court could order supervised access only.

In the interim, you don't have to do anything you think is not in the interests of your son and if you think your H might attempt to abduct him from your care, you should not permit contact for the time being.

What is really important is that you document everything that is happening here - write a diary of ALL the verbal abuse, threats to get residence of your child etc. If he does get violent, you MUST call the police immediately. This is really important.

If you can, try to get hold of important documents such as passports, birth certificates, copies of bank statements etc before you go.

Before you make a decision, you should consult the lawyer again and make sure you know exactly what will happen if you take either course of action.

Do not let him know you are leaving - this is when abusive men become more dangerous.

Hi scout, hate to say it but a refuge in the short term will Definately be best. They will provide you with emotional support which believe me is vital.

When I split from my abusive ex i had to do handover alone and he refused to leave the house I was paying for. He would not turn up to pick up our child making me late for work. He would scream abuse at me in public, following me down the street. Call me every name under the sun. Tell me my child would hate me etc etc. what I am trying to say is it will get worse before it gets better.

If you are in a refuge and he turns nasty, sends threats etc the professionals can record it all. If he doesn't collect your son it will all be on record. And when you start to regret leaving they will provide support emotionally.

Any hint of violence, punching a wall, throwing a glass etc must be documented. Don't worry about the repurcussions on his job etc just report it.

My ex apparently once 'had a fight with his ex, because she attacked him' the day I left he tried to strangle me, I honestly thought I was not getting out alive. Go to a refuge today if you can.

I moved in with a friend after a break up.
She and her ds lived in a 2 bed house when dd and I moved in.
Both dc were just under 1.

Filled out all forms for a council property and waited.
Regularly called to enquire if I was moving up the list.

2 years later I was pg so I went in and said I needed proper answers as to where I was on the list and was told I had barely moved as I 'had a home' and was looking at another 2 year wait.

My poor friend and her ds!

She had to 'kick us out' in the end, and dd and I spent about 6 weeks living in a frankly lovely hostel, before being given a property.

I wanted to share this as while my friend and I never had a cross word or anything, it was actually counter productive.

good luck op.

The advantage of WA is the support and protection from people who've dealt with this before - a friend might find themselves out of their depth if STBX found out/worked out where you were and came round threatening/weeping/whatever. There's also the question of what you'd do for money.

I'm not an expert, but not sure there's enough on record yet for you to apply for an injunction, because there's no 'proof' of harassment . Others more knowledgeable will be along soon - but well done for taking first steps, and keep your plans close to your chest.

Thank you ladies. You've helped me make my mind up xx

Agree that you should go to a refuge. This would be the best way of making it 'official' that he is harrassing and abusing you (and therefore your child) and will make it easier for the legal process to help you.

You will also get clearer easier access to support and advice - practical and emotional.

It will probably be harder initially to be in a refuge rather than 'safely' with a friend, but remember it's temporary, and a means to an end. You want to:

• document his abuse and get help to prevent it;
• get legal aid if you can to help you deal with sorting out finances and any custody issues that might arise.

Remember one thing though. It's incredibly unlikely that he actually wants custody. What he wants is either to frighten you into staying with him, or (possibly) simply control of you and your son, what he sees as the family. He doesn't care for your son, he has no interest in him, he will have no wish AT ALL to be full time baby carer with all that entails. He really will not.

If he's just aiming to scare you, the custody nonsense will stop as soon as you leave, or as soon as he goes to a solicitor and is told that no, he will not get sole custody.

If he wants control, he may well continue into court - but as I said in my earlier post, you pointing out that him taking responsibility for your son for as much as 50% of the time will be welcomed by you as it will allow you more freedom and fairer sharing of finances - well, say that and watch the 180 degree turnaround as he starts snarling at you that there's no way he's looking after your kid while you get to go out on the pull...

Be careful