AIBU to try and stop all contact between DD and her Dad?

[letitgoletitgoletitgo]

Have posted this in lone parents but thought I'd try here too:

I'll try not to drip feed:
Ex and I split up 2 1/2 years ago, we have a 3 year old DD. We've been going through the family court system for nearly 2 years. my ex was physically and emotionally abusive and my DD and I had to live in refuge for 6 months.
At the moment the current contact order is for every other week , 2 hours supported contact in a contact centre.
My ex has had to engage in a perpetrator programme as part of the contact order.
My ex has also had issues with drugs and alcohol to which he has always minimised or flat out denied. I have tried to make the court believe me that he is unstable until I am blue in the face but he is such a good manipulator that for example, when I requested they do a drugs test he admitted to smoking 'a small amount' of weed and so the court said well theres no need to test him for class A drugs because why would he has been honest about weed so why would he lie about anything else??!
Anyway, contact had been going well I suppose and he always turned up (however we were in contact a lot, and at times he has tried to worm his way back into my life, and regrettably, I have slept with him on about 3 occasions). Then all of a sudden he decides that he can't bare to communicate with me any more and starts being either late or not showing up for contact at all. My DD has noticed the change and the last time we went to the contact centre she cried and said 'mummy please stay with me , I want to go home'. Well, he didn't turn up anyway. later that week I get bombarded with information from him as he now feels he needs to reveal that in fact, he has been smoking cannabis pretty much the whole time (except for a 3 month period prior to knowing he would be drug tested), has spent time as a full blown alcoholic and also used cocaine on several occasions. In addition to this he told me h has had sexual relations with other women , including a prostitute . So I will need to be STD tested (he told me hadn't slept with anyone else since we split).
My reaction to all this, is basically, I don't want him anywhere near my daughter again. I feel he has made 0 effort to try and change his life so he can see her. All he has done is lie and let her down. He's put himself and drugs first. AIBU to feel his way? I don't think the court will consider unsupervised contact now, and my ex has even owned up and said in his own words:
"I am totally failing to meet the basic emotional (and other) requirements that it takes to offer a young child a stable parent, and a stable life, something that is affecting DD's emotional health" (this is in email to my solicitor).
I feel he will never change and despite how badly he treated me I have tried everything to encourage him to be a dad to our daughter. I can't believe I fell for it once again. But I whole heartedly believe that he will let her down and hurt her if he is allowed to remain a part of her life. My DD needs stability and I can provide that on my own.
Do you think the court will see my point>? Has anyone else been through similar ? And AIBU?

Sorry mega long post...

As a side point: Does anyone know if he could face criminal charges for lying in court?

I'm not sure why you haven't had any answers to this - perhaps it's the BH and the numbers are down.

I'm a great believer that it is NOT good for children to have a relationship with a parent who has abused the resident parent. I see it repeatedly on here that mothers are, apparently, supposed to step aside and let abusive FW fathers have a relationship with their child. It's common sense: if he did it to you he'll do it to her. He'll be nothing but trouble, as you have seen.

I speak from the other end of this as my children are now adults. I wish I could wind back the clock to cut him out of our lives when the kids were little. He was nothing but trouble from beginning to end. I can't believe I flogged a dead horse to get him to have a relationship with them. I was an idiot.

Was the contact centre court mandated? What does the contact centre say about your Ex not turning up? Your Ex has in effected ended contact, I would keep a copy of his revelations and get the contact centre on board about abandoning contact because of the damage his no shows are doing to your daughter. Cover your arse because he will suddenly want contact again and blame you for contact stopping. This man is an arse, so keep your distance and all communication should only be sbout contact and be in the written form.

thank you for replying!
springydaffs: I totally agree with what you are saying, I regret its taken til now for me to realise and I fear that the court will say we can't stop contact now because we've already started.
I'm sorry that you and your children had to go through all this. I think as mothers, we try so hard to always do the right thing, or what we are told is the right thing to do, I hope life is good for you now and that you're children know that you tried.

istean: The contact centre is mandatory yes, as he is only allowed supported contact at the moment (he is in a room on his own with her but not allowed to leave centre - this has got to change to at least full supervised with another person present now!)
The contact centre don't have a lot to do with the situation other than being a place for contact to take place but they should have records of when contact has taken place etc. I'm waiting for a phone call back from my solicitor today o I cant ell her I want to stop all contact but am feeling so sick with nerves. He's already told me he won't accept that so I'm going to have to put up a fight.

So he's in breach of the courts order. The contact centre must have some protocol that reports non compliance back to the court. I would let the contract centre know that your child is distressed by your Ex not turning up and get them to refer this back to the court. If you stop contact without some official acknowledgement that your Ex breached the order, I'm worried that this could come back to bite you. Can you speak to SS about your Ex and his 'issues' and see if they have any advice or support?

As frustrating as it is, you have to be seen to be playing the game.

Good advice to keep copies of anything relevant while he is in confessional mood. Keep up the sessions - with any luck ex won't show up.

Dealing with a disinterested father is tough. Explain to DD some grown ups are just not very good at being parents and his absence isn't her fault. She is very much loved, but Dad only gets involved as far as he feels able, whereas you want to be with her all the time.

As long as you are honest with DD, as she grows up she will know you were the parent who stuck around. She will draw her own conclusions.

Agree with Isetan that you have to be seen to tow the line to the letter. You can't officially say you want contact to end just because you do. By all means tell your solicitor that this is what you're after but you must go about it strategically - hopefully s/he will have some wisdom about how to go about it.

(btw ime if I made a huge fuss about wanting contact he was not interested and mucked us about; but when I wanted contact to end he suddeny became the perfect dad standing to attention and all over it. Watch out for that if he's that type.)

I think you could be right about my ex being one of those types too springydaffs, I think have made the mistake of giving him too much information about how I feel. I must stop this, in fact I'm hoping I never have to deal with him again.

I spoke to my solicitor today, she is putting in an application to court explaining why I want to / have ceased all contact. She said this will cover my back as I'm letting them know asap. She is forwarding all emails and texts onto CAFCASS and the court too. I thought she would try to convince me to not stop all contact but she didn't. I think she understands and even said she believes he will probably disappear at some point anyway even if granted contact and that the reason for his application 2 years ago was not to see our DD but to try and get me back. I think she could be right.
Unlikely the court will stop all contact apparently but all I can do is try. How sad I've had to go through so much humiliation through this process and I was right about him all along...

You live and learn!

Mind you, I don't think your average human being could possibly predict this sort of behaviour. It is so left field I still haven't got my head around it, not really. I just know the signs, know a lot about it (now), but I still don't get it.

Well done for getting all that sorted today

Technically, lying on oath/affirmation in court is the crime of perjury but in 15 years as a lawyer i have never known anyone convicted of that and only in one case did a judge ever threaten to report it. I am afraid people lie all the time in court so if the criminal courts had to deal with them all the criminal justice system would come to a grinding halt.

It certainly sounds as though you have a lot to make a decent argument that he should not have any direct contact set up unless and until he sorts himself out. but I imagine the court will not be able to shut the door completely - there is quite a lot of case law about not making orders for no contact unless it is absolutely the last resort. But she is too little to be messed around like that.

I would push for no direct contact unless and until he has satisfactorily dealt with the issues which are causing problems now. Then, if he is a real dead beat he will just disappear. If he really does want to be a decent father he will make an effort.