MIL coming to live with us (in granny annex) -- know anyone who has done this successfully?

[deepest]

We want to think ahead and decide what the ground rules/living arrangements are so that we dont all drive each other nuts and nothing gets personal. MIL is not in great health and a bit needy - I am worried that I will be on call 24/7.....has anyone done this or know any family who have done it well -- happy to hear the horror stories. Also wrt finance the plan was that she sells her house, builds an annex on ours and what is left when she dies is split between the 3 siblings - does thats eem fair?

I know of three friends who have done this - 2 successfully and 1 a disaster.

Family 1: - success (9 years)

• Single Mum, Dad lives in granny annex
• linked to main house but also separate entrance door
• Supportive sister and family very close by.
• Less supportive sister lives at a distance
• care package support in place for dementia
• Sister who is carer has own activities (sewing projects)

Family 2: - success (19 years)

• Re-married female friend moved her mother into granny annex upon marriage
• Linked to main house but separate entrance door
• no care package but a day per week of respite at old people's care home (and holiday respite)
• No other family support
• DH runs own business and friend has own interests running an animal sanctuary, fund-raising for charities etc

Family 3: disaster (18 months)

• Re-modelled their house to provide L-shaped granny annex with own front door
• linked with connecting door to main house
• So, living with son and his DW but other siblings didn't agree to selling DM's house and building the annex on younger son's house so no family support
• Upon completion, the DIL liked the lounge/dining space which was intended for DMIL's annex
• As it overlooked their back garden, decided to keep it as part of the main house.
• DM has to now sit in a lounge with them (choice of 2) with free choice
• Annex is now solely a bedroom, small kitchen with utility appliances which are used by all family, shower and toilet
• DM is always sitting with them - no couple time
• DM also has to eat with them - so doesn't cook for self in own kitchen
• Anger from both sides and DM has progressive dementia so physical violence from her to DS now (he is beaten with her walking stick)
• Respite care in a home for holidays .... against DM's wishes as she thinks she should be left in the house alone.
• Care package offered, DM won't accept as 'she doesn't need it'
• DIL works 4 days per week
• DS who had retired has found another low-paid job just to get out of the house during the day

Also wrt finance the plan was that she sells her house, builds an annex on ours and what is left when she dies is split between the 3 siblings - does that seem fair?

Your MIL has every right to do with her house what she wants.

That said, in my Family 3 scenario, the finances were part of the sticky problem. 4 siblings in total - 1 who took the DM has 'enhanced and upgraded' their house which is rising in market value and yet still expects to get 25% of any pay-out on her death.

The eldest son - who had been her main carer for 18 years (lived a mile away and visited her every day, took her shopping, sorted out doctors etc) - had discussed ways of changing the DM's house to down-stairs living accommodation with full-time live-in help on the upper (bedroom) floor. 2 permanent carers - splitting the task but with their own living accommodation upstairs.

The DS who took the DM into the annex scenario has power of attorney over all her finances now. When he asked 3 weeks ago for assistance from the siblings with the respite care for the holiday, all 3 siblings refused to contribute. Apparently, all her pension and allowances are used to help them to pay the mortgage on the annex, living costs, transport to doctors, clothing etc. The DS and DIL have bought 2 new cars and a new motor bike in the last 18 months.....

Careful - get good financial advice. if she uses cash and dies subsequently it will be declared and will form part of the estate and be taxed. I'm no expert but I would get it all agreed between siblings in writing before dong anything. People don't lf turn nasty when a will is involved.

Also make sure everyone knows what to expect wrt care, food, finances etc. Good luck.

Good points looks like its all in the pre planning detail and everyone agreeing up front it cant be a unique experience so I am sure a legal prof will have come up against the common issues and have ways to mitigate.

My Family 4 scenario would be me:

But I can't claim success or disaster because my FIL died on the day he was coming out of hospital to start living with us.

• My DH had one DSis who had provided regular day-time support to their DF whilst he lived in a warden-controlled flat just a 5 minute walk from her house.
• My DH provided shopping support, company and did jobs on a Thursday
• We both travelled the 32 miles to do Saturday evening to allow my SIL and her DH to go out..
• I had some flexibility in my job at that time so could pop over for extra visits, take over a Thursday if DH was called in to do supply teaching at his SEN school
• We also took my FIL for 1 month in February and 1 month in August to give SIL a total break. (He came to our house and lived upstairs.) When we first started the arrangement, my FIL could get up the stairs as long as he had 2 bannister rails - so we had the additional one fitted. As his physical well-being deteriorated, DH and a burly friend carried him upstairs ...... and there he stayed for the month.
• He had bedroom 3 set up as a bedroom (and we put poles in from floor to ceiling so he could pull himself forward in bed and get out on his own)
• He had bedroom 2 as a lounge/diner with a little kitchen space (microwave and kettle)
• Bedroom 2 opened up onto a huge continental sun roof via patio doors so he basked in the outside sun and fresh air on a recliner chair after his lunch. He could hear the birds sing and watch the rippling stream just over our fence.
• We shared the only bathroom we had in the house

WE TOOK NO MONEY FOR THE 2 MONTHS HE LIVED WITH US

When it was apparent that my FIL could no longer live in a warden controlled flat and he was in hospital after yet another fall, my SIL started to consider a care home. My DH and I met with SIL and her DH because my FIL had begged me not to send him to a care home. SIL was clear that her DH would not allow her to take on my FIL and was so grateful that my DH and I offered.

We found a new house in his area (and worked out our commuting times) that would allow FIL to have his own spaces - bedroom, sitting room/dining room, bathroom and small kitchen.

FIL had already sold his own house to go into the warden-controlled flat.

SIL had power of attorney

Our agreement for FIL to move in with us that SIL would pay us the same rent as he had been paying on the warden controlled flat to help us with our bigger mortgage.

So our new house had no ties to FIL - do you see? We were getting the mortgage in our own right. SIL would have still managed FIL's rent payments. And when FIL died, the 50% that FIL left to my DH would cover the extra mortgage we had to take out.

Care support (I was still working ft and DH was working pt) would be agreed by all of us and paid for by SIL who was managing the finances.

Everyone was happy with this arrangement as nobody benefited financially immediately. FIL was going to be safer, well looked-after and close enough to all his family.

As I say, he sadly died of pneumonia in hospital on the day that he was coming out to his new home. It was so sudden that my SIL phoned me at noon to check if I needed extra pyjamas and waterproof sheets buying (but I had already whizzed round the shops and got them) and then at 3.20pm I got a phone call to say, "Come quickly, he is asking for you. He has taken a real turn for the worse!"

I can't say whether our living together would have been a success or not - I think it would have been because we were all so committed to making it work. SIL even offered to move into our new house to give us holidays - part of the up-front talking and agreement. We had given them 2 months free time a year for the previous 5 years, she was happy to 'pay back'.

What I do know is that the financial negotiations were fair and honorable and both my DH and his sister didn't feel that one was trying to get more than the other like in my Family 3 scenario.

I do hope I have shared enough scenarios for your to recognise the good and the not so good options.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Right from the start be clear how much information you want to share. So if you are going out maybe you don't say where or for how long ( depending on if she is physically dependant on you for care).

Keep living quarters as separate as possible and encourage her to establish a life of her own.

Good luck.

Sad thanks for your story - we want to do the best and want our children to see us doing the best and treating elders with love and respect. We will need to have the conversations great idea to have 2 months off twice a year -- will talk that thru with the siblings.

Sounds like the mother and other siblings in the Family 3 scenario need to get somebody involved to check that the sibling with power of attorney isn't abusing it!

Can two people share power of attorney to stop something like this happening?