think I may finally have reached breaking point

[KidsDontThinkImCool]

Been apart from XH for 2 1/2 yrs now. It's been a really rough time with some pretty low lows - he's been nasty, manipulative, emotionally abusive, tried using the kids against me - you name it. At the beginning of the year I thought we had reached the final hurdle - sorting out the house. He agreed for me to buy him out. I knew it wouldn't happen overnight but I could see the end in sight. His last bit of control over me severed - it gave me strength to get through this final battle.

Of course when he first agreed to it he needed the money. Unfortunately, since then his parents have helped sort out his living situation and now he's in no rush. We are almost 6 months down the line and he is still stalling, stonewalling, trying to get me to give him more money. He ignored the latest letter from my bank's solicitor for a full month and then told me he was refusing to pay for his own solicitor. A month ago I would have been furious but i don't even have the strength to be angry any more. I can't keep fighting him, I thought I could wait it out longer than he could but I just can't. I have no more money to give him - he knows this. But I feel like if this goes on for one more minute I'm just going to break. I tried to talk to him about it when he dropped the kids off tonight but apparently my timing was "wildly inappropriate as always" (because he'd had the holiday weekend off with the kids while i was working and he was exhausted). I know if I try and contact him again tonight he will be furious and tell me I've just made the whole thing even worse because I couldn't possibly wait til an appropriate time to talk to him. So now I have to have another sleepless night with this whole thing making me sick before I can try and raise the issue again. I'm just falling to pieces. So he wins. I'll have to borrow the extra money from family in because otherwise I think i will genuinely have a breakdown.

Would it be easier to sell the property, split the proceeds and start fresh than keep trying to buy him out? Or will he be just as obstructive?

I think he's hoping that if I sell he will get more money. But honestly, with the recent change in the lending laws in recent weeks it's very unlikely i'd get offered another mortgage. I was very lucky to get this offer when I did. And he might well be just as obstructive - like I said, it's his last little bit of control over me. Plus then we'd have to start the process all over again. We've been going back and forth on this for months and I've just about been coping with it but I feel like he's finally worn me down. My kids have been away all weekend and I'm so happy their back but I'm struggling not to fall apart.

If you've only got one option in front of you and he is determined to make you suffer then he is never going to do what you want. If you have several options, he can't possibly block them all. If you force a sale, you may not get the same money and you may not be offered another mortgage but you'd have the cash for a rental deposit and maybe a nice income from some investments. Could be worth it just to say 'fuck you' and walk away sooner rather than later?

Maybe. I'm so terrified of renting though. The thought of being at the whim of a landlord, of possibly having to move every couple of years - I just want to be in control of my own life for a change. Which is exactly what he can't stand.

Just borrow from family if you can and stick pins in a voodoo doll of him.

You beed tobee free from this twat.

Disclaimer: I've had a drink so may not be at my most rational.

Are your family able and willing to lend you this money?

Is it possible to move to something smaller/cheaper after paying him off? Once you've recovered a bit and are ready to?

i don't know I don't know I don't know - in answer to all of the above. sorry, have been round this so many times I'm not sure I can even think about it rationally anymore. I could borrow a little more money from family but i've already borrowed so much from them in the last year I don't want to ask. Something smaller won't necessarily be cheaper unless I move out of the area (it's complicated but trust me, I've looked at what's available and I've done the maths. Over and over again). I could sell and rent which would probably give me some money in the bank but I'm really scared of renting. everyone I know who rents has to move every couple of years and i thought that in my 40s with two school age kids I could be settled in one place. I jsut dont know what to do anymore. I just hate him so fucking much, the fucking cunt. when he needed the money it was a whole different story. Now he tels me repeatedly he's 'not in any hurry'. This particular letter from my bank's solicitors has been with him for a month now. the first time I asked him about it he ignored me. the second time he accused me of harrasment. the third time he told me my solicitors were being unreasonable and didn't know what they were talking about. today he told me I was being unreasonable and no doubt tomorrow he will say I'm just being impatient. but all it comes down to is that he is waiting for me to offer him more money. the FUCKING. CUNT. i swear to fucking god I wish someone would just go and punch him n the fucking balls. repeatedly.

sorry...told you i was reaching breaking point.

So if you carry on as you are without buying him out surely at some point he will need the money again?

Can you work on detaching yourself enough to not sort out the finances and carry on living there? Eventually he will want a divorce and he'll want it sorted?

Don't communicate with him about ANYTHING apart from contact with the dc, instruct your solicitor to shelve everything for now and not reply to his letters just get him to send them to you?

I suppose just stonewall him completely and utterly and try and save up money and move on with your life in the meantime?

Would he get more money if you sold and split the money?
Do you think its worth getting your solicitor to write and tell him you have no more money to offer, so he needs to proceed by X date or you will be forced to sell the property and get a judge to agree the financial split.
Of course, this might not work in your favour, so ignore me if the house is worth more to him sold!

Ok this situation is wretched but you need to make some sort of decision before you totally crack up. There only seems one option that you are able/prepared to accept but you can't have it because ex is blocking it and probably gloating in the power he has over you. Renting isn't always great but can be ok. I have been renting my place from landlord for 11 years now so it can sometimes be fairly stable. So options seem to be 1) get house valued and put it the market then either try and buy or decide to rent 2) keep situation as it stands until he becomes desperate again to let you buy him out, at least you have roof over your head and it's where you want to be but learn to cope with situation or 3) have a complete breakdown and you will not be there for your kids. We can't always control situations but we can often find ways of learning how to cope with these situations. Right now you are being held to ransom but just try and step back a bit and not let on how desperate you are to resolve this. Act very cool about it all. I do hope you manage to sort it out soon and your sanity remains intact.

The house may be worth slightly more to him sold. Not a huge amount, but a bit. But of course one minute he's playing the saint - he just wants to help and wants to make sure the kids can stay in their home blah blah blah vomit. the next minute it all comes down to trying to blackmail me for money he knows i don't have.

heyday i have been acting 'cool' about it for 6 months now, i just don't think i can keep it up though. He's worn me down through 2 1/2 yrs of manipulation and verbal abuse and now I just want this done. One way or another i need this done.

This is why you need to detach, stop asking, stop the solicitors letters etc. Just stop everything. Whilst it's not sold/bought him ought you have a stable roof over your heads - a win for you and the dc.

Is he paying maintenance/the mortgage? Longer is goes on the less evidence he has that he needs a large share of the property. What about a mesher order that you sell when your youngest reaches 18?

he pays maintenance for the kids, and yes he pays it regularly - at least there's that. but I have to pay everything else from that. we already have an agreement in place that I have to sell (or transfer the title) by next summer (2015).

the letters from the solicitors are purely to do with transfering the mortgage - a process he has already agreed to in theory - he just keeps starting and stopping.