Men and PND...do they get it too?

[stellarmum]

First hello to all as I have only just discovered this site! And already i need advice!

My DP has changed since our dd was born two months ago. He was in a job he wasn't particularly happy in, but then decided it was too much for him and left! Since then (it was about a month ago) he has made little effort to find anything else, he keeps telling me he is waiting for a particular post to become available although there's no guarantee that it will. The house needs tons of stuff doing to it, but the only person who does anything seems to be me! He is lovely with our dd but doesn't seem to get any 'active' enjoyment out of it, if you know what I mean. he has just told me that he has no confidence in himself and feels overwhelmed by everything.

To make matters worse, we are surviving on my maternity pay which next month goes down to SMP only...not even enough to cover the mortgage!

I read an article in The Observer at the weekend about men who suffer from PND, and the emotions they describe seem very like his. Has anyone else experienced this? What can i do to get him back to feeling more like himself?

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i have tried the kick up the pants thing, but every time i mention money he either goes all sulky or accuses me of nagging!
I have tried to be understanding but tbh just want to tell him to pull himself together! We have talked about him staying at home and me going back to work earlier than i originally intended but I think i will resent him for it... why should I miss out on time at home with my dd?
The counsellor sounds a good idea though... thankyou!

Maybe he is feeling a bit left out. He probably misses the time he used to have with you and now he sees just how much he has to share. When I had my DD my DP seemed quite distant. I don't think it really hit him that he was going to be a father until she was here.

I never said anything but I spoke to my mum. She asked if he was feeling left out and I said no he isn't like that. Later that day he told me he WAS feeling left out, as all my time seemed to be being spent with DD. He said he knew it was stupid but just wanted us to stay close.

I made sure I made time for him and my DD separatly and together as a family. I just forgot to make time for myself and am now trying to get back some normallity.

Maybe you could get a babysitter and go for a walk together (with a big thick coat on, lol) it won't cost anything and you would be able to get a bit of time together. Maybe he would open up and tell you what is really bothering him.

As for the job, I'm not sure. He might just be a bit overwhelmed by all the responsibility of everything, I know I am.

Sorry if I'm not any help. Hope it all gets a bit better.

How was he with working before DD was born???

Actually, reading into some of the things he's said I think he does feel a little left out and misses the time we used to have together... but so do I! You are right though wintye, i should make time for us to be together.

As for working, well he wasn't happy with the job before dd came along, i think she was either the last straw or an excuse!

Make sure you make time for yourself as well though.

I am just realising that it's ok to have time away and not feel guilty. DP could have DD when you do something, It would do them good and maybe help him to bond a bit more. Don't force it though as it might push him the other way.

Hope it goes ok and don't forgeet make time for yourself. There are loads of ideas on previous threads for things to do by yourself and with DP and they cost nothing or little.

Actually, reading into some of the things he's said I think he does feel a little left out and misses the time we used to have together... but so do I! You are right though wintye, i should make time for us to be together.

As for working, well he wasn't happy with the job before dd came along, i think she was either the last straw or an excuse!

oops wasn't supposed to post that twice! can tell I'm new to this!

I didn't read the article in The Observer but dh was talking about it the other day. Like twig, I think PND is the wrong word, as there is a strong hormonal element to PND, but depression..yes, I think men can and do definitely suffer after the birth of a child. There is also a strong correlation between a woman having PND and her partner suffering depression too but that doesn't seem to be the case with you stellarmum (oh and welcome btw )

Men run the same gamut of fears and emotions as a woman when a child (particularly the first) is born - their lives are turned upside down too, they may have money/job worries in addition. Perhaps your dp just felt completely overwhelmed at the thought of this new person to be responsible for, financially and emotionally, so he has sort of "opted out"?

He definitely sounds depressed - can you talk to him about it? He really needs to see his GP and get some help. That's often hard for men - they are not used to talking about how they feel, and especially not admitting that they are not coping. I know it's hard, especially when you have a new baby to look after and everything seems to be falling to you, but he really can't help it, and he can't "pull himself together."

I feel sad for both of you (having seen it from both sides - have suffered from PND and lived with a depressed dh) - you need to talk, best of luck xx

I think your dp does sound depressed. But I also think that you could find yourself having to look after him, at a time when you really have very little energy for anyone beyond your baby. If he misses the time you had together, you've put your finger on it - so do you.

I have to say I read the Observer article and, tbh, felt quite unsympathetic to the men involved - and I speak as someone who has had depression and does take it seriously in others. I felt the men involved, who all spoke about 'the loss of their previous life', were leaving their partners to cope with all the stuff they were avoiding (the man who said 'one week I changed a nappy...the next week I changed two' particularly incensed me).

Try the counsellor option. And look after yourself.

I have to agree, I didn't feel overwhelmed with sympathy for them either!
After a big talk last night, during which I pointed out a few home truths re: finances and the realities of young babies, he has agreed to seek help. Just making this decision seems to have helped, he got up this morning and began actively looking for work and seemed far happier.

He seems to have suddenly realised that we are in this together!
Thankyou all for your advice xx