I think I hate my sister - apologies long story.

[HowsTheSerenity]

So here is the back story.....

So my sister has had problems with drugs and alcohol since high school. She met a guy, got pregnant and had three children. She, unbeknownst to is was still drinking. She passed out with the kids in the bath, next to a heater and burnt her leg, forgot to feed them etc. My parents in the past tried soft and tough love, kicked her out of home and have sent her to rehab. Nothing worked. The alcohol always wins (long history of alcoholism in the family but nothing like my sister).

Our dad died suddenly last year and she was there in the hospital whe he died. She is now using that as an excuse for her behaviour. Since the. She has been evicted from her home, lost her kids (ex partner has them)' been drunk every day to the point of unconscious and wetting herself. Mum too her in and it got worse. Stealing, lying, drink driving, being so drunk and crashing her car she was helicoptered to hospital with a suspected head injury.

I had to 'debridesmaid' her. She has assaulted me, our mother and brother. She had spent two weeks in jail. She was evicted from a halfway house for assaulting someone and being drunk. We don't know where she is living but suspect it's with my stepsister.

She keeps calling me and blaming me for her problems. I tried to get her into counselling and rehab. I've even had her forcibly assessed by a mental health worker. I think she has undiagnosed bipolar disorder. She refuses to see she has a problem. Everything is her life is my fault. The reason her life is bad is my fault.

She is also the middle child.

Soooo I have blocked her numbers. Deleted her on Facebook and so on.

She keeps calling me from pay phones, randome people's phones.
I don't know what else to do.

I have huge exams in three weeks. I'm dealing with infertility. I'm constantly sick.

Has anyone disowned their own sister permanently? I don't think about her or miss her. Have I done enough to help? Should I just wash my hands of her?

That's such an awful situation. It does sound like you have done enough and have had enough. Time to go NC if it will help you. She is not your responsibility.

Change your number and cut her the hell off.
She sounds helpless and you need to look after yourself. You have tried more than some people would, to help her. You need to grieve for your father.
Tell her you are doing this, its offering one more chance of help, then say goodbye.

You have been nice for long enough. You are now just her sounding off post, her whipping boy, scapegoat.

You can't have a relationship with her whilst she chooses to remain so dependent on alcohol.

Change your number. Tell your mum why - and anyone else who might be tempted to pass on your new number.

You are not being hard hearted, you are saving yourself from co-dependency. No-one who has an ounce of understanding will blame you. Anyone who does is lucky enough never to have had an alcoholic in their family!

Good luck.

You need a break from her, you don't know how long that break needs to be.

Xx

I really feel for you OP. I was in a similar situation a few years ago with my father. He's a violent alcoholic and has an emotionally unstable personality. He is blind to his own faults and blames his (dire) situation on everyone but himself - also has an incredibly selective memory. I changed my landline number, blocked him on my mobile and broke all contact. The police and health services have it on record that I am not to be contacted by them concerning him.

It was difficult for a while but I can honestly say it's the best move I ever made. Do what feels right to protect your own wellbeing, and good luck.

I am in a similar situation but it's my mother went off the rails after dad died. It is horrendous. I agree with littlegreen that you need space, time to grieve and on top of that you have exams, it is so much for you to deal with.
I got proactive about contact. I switch off my mobile from 7pm to 8am. I have her number blocked on the house phone and if its a number I don't recognise I let it go to the machine or let Dh get it.
If we do have to talk (estate to be dealt with etc) I keep a positive tone, if she starts the 'poor me' I change the subject, give her no opening. If she starts to rant I hang up.
I found great relief in taking power over MY reactions and realising I have NO power over HERS. I reiterate regularly to myself, Dh and her that I will always help her if it's positive but will not facilitate her drinking/behaviour and will not be the focus of her bitterness. I think for too long I was weak and manipulated and needed to be strong and realise putting myself first is not selfish. If I am not happy and functioning I cannot help anyone else.
In your situation I would ONCE tell her you will not take her cr$p anymore and in future will hang up/shut door. Only when she stops blaming everyone else for her behaviour can she begin to heal. Till then there genuinely is nothing positive in contact.

Yes, definitely wash your hands of her.
You need to set these effective boundaries, barriers, to protect yourself from her behavior. Nothing to feel guilty about... You did not cause it, you can not change it, you can not cure it (if I got that right). Maybe find some support from AlAnon?
Good luck on your exams!

Shut the door and move forward, anyone with a relative who is an alcoholic will know how agonising, futile and draining the constant worry and drama is.

Wishing you every success in your exams.

This sounds horrendous. I'm so sorry you're all going through this.

As bad as it sounds it doesn't seem like she's hit rock bottom yet. People are still there to help her out which I understand enables her drinking.

Your self preservation has to kick in right now because otherwise she will wear you down.

You have done everything you possibly good. You've been a good sister. I know that wont minimise any sense of guilt but it's time to go nc.

Hope you're okay.

You have tried. She hasn't stopped drinking. She'd rather pin blame on anyone but herself. She's not your responsibility. Good luck with the exams.

Hi Hows. I am permanently NC with my sister. We have never been close even as kids she used to try and run my life and organise everything. She used to put me down at every opportunity. As we got older she would deliberately try and make me look foolish in front of others and is still a very unpleasant person. Things were great with her as long as my life was worse than hers. In adulthood though of course there are ups and downs and although her life looks better from the outside, I actually have a more comfortable life and this ramped up her resentment ten fold.
I finally ended my relationship with her when our DF got ill progressively and from the point where he moved in with me and went into respite care/hospital with a broken hip/rehab after/ care home and then his final care home, she did not visit him once. It was five years and four months!!! The last home was closer to her than to me. Surrounding his death she behaved appallingly, blaming me for her not seeing her DF and yet at every move I informed her of where he was. I used to call her every ten days or so to let her know how he was and then on one call one March day, she could not have shown less interest so I decided to stop calling her. We saw each other at Christmas then a year went by and another family member asked after DF the following Christmas and she said, 'Oh yes, how is Dad?' A year and nine months had passed without her knowing anything about her own DF and she did not seem to give a tuppenny cuss or even notice I had stopped calling!
I had a tirade of abuse when she got the proceeds from his will which she considered too little.
From total NC I started getting friendly texts from her one spring and I thought it was weird until my DH pointed out that an uncle had died and he suspected her of trying to find out if she was in the will as I was closer to that uncle than she was. She is utterly vile. The day I went NC was like coming up for air. I see her at funerals and family events and she makes my flesh crawl. I love having her out of my life.

You could twist yourself into shapes it will make no difference. Go totally NC - it's lovely here in the sun!

Thank you for the replies and advice. I guess I needed to confirm what I already knew.
In realise that addiction is a disease but it is a disease of choice and this is one she is choosing to suffer with.
I hope that everyone else in the same boat who made the non contact decisions much happier. I think I will be.

Hi OP, I went NC with my sister about 15 years ago. She is the 3rd generation of narcissists in a family rife with mental illness/disorders. I can say that my life has been far better without her as she has never brought anything positive to it. She would actually call me in the phone to tear me down so that she could make herself feel better.

Although the reasons are different, its important to realise that you have a choice in the matter, and that you don't need to sacrifice yourself in order to have a relationship with someone who is as damaging as that. A relationship with your sister comes at the expense of your emotional health and well being. There are situations where you must put yourself first, unequivocally, and I think this is definitely one of them.

She sounds like my mother, I disowned her and never looked back. It took a massive thing to make me do it and stick to it (ds1 birth) but I have never looked back, she is blaming everyone but herself for her problems by the sounds of things and she is an adult, adults need to take responsibility for their actions right or wrong. Leave her to her own devices, she wont sort her sh*t out just because you tell her to so focus on yourself for the time being and it sucks because she will always be a blood relative but it will get easier once you accept what you are doing is for the best. I wish you all the best in your own journey but for now I think you should leave her out