Just a bad patch or beginning of the end?

[stellaschoice]

Sorry - this is going to be a bit long.

I have been with my dp about 15 years, we have three very young children - oldest is 4.5, so life is pretty hectic and stressful. He is SAHD and I work fulltime.

He is a very considerate, kind person who is great with the kids and good to me but he has always suffered from low moods, poor self-esteem, and a generally gloomy outlook. I wouldn't say he was seriously depressed but more like a mild, ongoing depression. Over the years I have encouraged him to get help for this. He tried counselling for a few sessions years ago but didn't really like it and it was expensive so gave up. He recently saw his GP as it has gotten worse and she didn't think he needed medication.

His low self-esteem means that despite being very clever and able he has never tried to have a career and has worked manual jobs that don't require any qualifications. Again I have tried to encourage a night class or similar and he has done a few but nothing that has had much impact.

He has never been very interested in sex and I nearly always had to initiate after the first couple of years. Since our first child we have only had sex a handful of times - our third was conceived after a total once off and we haven't had sex at all since then - a year and a half ago.

Recently I bumped into a kind of ex who I hadn't seen since I met dp. I was shocked at how much I fancied him. He sent me a msg making it clear that if I wanted something could happen between us again - he's single but knows I am not. I have no intention of taking up his offer but I cannot stop thinking about him and it has made me realise how much I miss sex and intimacy. After being rejected so much by DP I am no longer interested in him in that way as there is too much bad feeling.

Is this all connected with having such young children and life being stressful, or does it indicate much bigger problems? At the moment I just don't know. I am not optimistic about my future with DP if things don't change. He agrees but won't take any action such as organise counselling as he always leaves things like that to me unless I nag.

Thanks for reading - sorry it is so long

So you're basically saying that your long term DP has untreated mental health issues, you've given up on him and are a bit horny now?

Bit harsh travellingbird

OPs partner is an adult. He needs to help himself and want to help himself.

Does he know how unhappy you are? And you talked it through an let him know how serious this is to your relationship?

Don't contact the XP but make it very clear to your DH that something needs to change and if he is unwell he needs to seek treatment.

No one should stay in a sexless relationship where both parties are unhappy.

The only thing to do now is make it very very very very clear to your partner that continuing your relationship in this way is unacceptable and unfortunately for him he has to do something about his depression and if he isnt able to do that for you, himself and your children, and you have tried everything, then you will be perfectly entitled to end your relationship. It sounds horrible. I feel for you both.

The ex, please dont contact him until you are "available" to do so. I know through bitter experience how confusing this kind of thing is.

Sort your marriage then if its something you want to pursue, you can do so with a clear conscience, dont kid yourself it will remain platonic.

Agree with littlegreenlight.

And travellingbird - he is an adult, and OP is not actually obliged to nursemaid him to her own detriment as an alternative to him taking responsibility for himself. I wouldn't remain married to someone who made me unhappy and who was so unconcerned about that fact, proposed to do nothing about it...depression or not.
Would you?

If you'll pardon my saying - seems as if you think the problems in the relationship are all down to him. Putting yourself in his shoes for a moment: how do you imagine he would describe the relationship between the two of you? What issues do you think he'd point out about you? Rather than simply trying to 'fix' him - have you done any 'work' on yourself, or have you both done any together as a couple?

Finally - upon first reading, i thought about how it must really test a relationship to have 3 dc in 4.5 years - especially after approx 10 years of being a couple without dc. Perhaps both of you have handled this adjustment in very different ways, and you've not had a chance to ensure your relationship stays intact and healthy?

I don't think this is a blame thing. You asked if it was the beginning of the end and I would quite honestly say that yes it is. One reason being that you describe him as 'always' having been gloomy, insecure and uninterested in sex etc.... so there's a sense that this is a pretty permanent feature which has been tolerable or even endearing in the past but which is now an incompatibility causing real & growing resentment. The second reason is the 'nearly OM'. Once you start thinking about relationship in terms of there being other/better options I think you're automatically less committed to the status quo.

How old were you when you got together 15 years ago?

Lots of food for thought - thanks everyone.

We were in our early/mid-twenties when we met.

I have spoken to him about how I feel and he agrees that things are not good between us at the moment. He thinks it is all his fault but I have told him I don't agree and that it needs both of us to work on it to put it right. I would like to do couples counselling but he is reluctant until he sorts out his own issues - he is attending lectures on stress management but doesn't do any of the homework/practice so I am not sure if it is effective.

Earlybird - If we were having a row he would say I am a nag and that I am always on at him about something, which is probably true. I would justify that by saying that if I don't keep on at him the particular thing doesn't get done. I think you are right about the impact of having the kids so close together, it has been hard.

I have no intention of contacting my ex- it was just that seeing him kind of made me realise how bad things were with dp.

Cogito - yes, he has always been like this to varying degrees. I guess I used to think it was 'fixable' with professional help or as life changed, but recently I have begun to think that he might always be like this.

He's kicking the can down the road on the counselling thing, isn't he? As ever, he's probably not a bad man, just the wrong man. Vain hope to take on 'Mr 90%' thinking the 10% you can't stand will get fixed at some point. If he's late thirties/early forties now his personality is pretty much set. This is as good as he gets.

While I have sympathy for your husband, I couldn't personally stay with someone with continuous depression who didn't address it, and who, despite having a good brain, did manual work, and no sex. I'm surprised it's gone on this long tbh...

The ex is a wake up call.

An update. We have started couples counselling, but I don't feel it is helping all that much, even though the counsellor is good.

The counsellor has asked to try and set time aside each week to discuss various things, but unless I raise it during the week DP doesn't bring it up. He is going to get more help for his own depression/stress problems which is great, but to be honest I think we both feel the relationship is over.

The problem now is a practical one - we can't afford to separate. I work full time but don't earn an awful lot, his is a sahd to our 3 small kids. Our 2 bedroom house is deep in negative equity so selling is not an option and we can't even move into separate rooms.

I can't afford to pay the mortgage as well as rent for one of us to move elsewhere and neither of us have the option of staying with family. I won't leave my kids, I see them so little during the day I couldn't stand not to live with them.

If he gets a job his salary would be the equivalent of our childcare costs, so it's pointless (we don't live in the UK - no childcare credits, etc).

I can't see any options for now. Has anyone been in a similar position of wanting to separate but being unable to afford it? Do we just have to stick it out until the kids are older and childcare less expensive? The youngest is 1 so that will take awhile. We get on fine on a day to day basis, so I guess we could do that if we have to, but it means neither of us can move on in any way.

I am so sad about all of this.

OP hang in there. x

Twinkle is right.

"Has anyone been in a similar position of wanting to separate but being unable to afford it?"

If things are really as bad as you describe, lack of money shouldn't be an obstacle. Involves sacrifices and upheaval but, when the alternative is a 'dead' experience for both of you (and what's to say his chronic low moods are not partly a result of being with the wrong person?), what price good mental health? Your children are also growing up with this unhappy dynamic as their model of a healthy adult relationship. That's also pretty damaging.

I also agree with Twinkle.

You have a difficult situation.

Are you both British? Is there anything actually keeping you in your current country?

If there is no HUGELY compelling reason why you HAVE to stay, then I would recommend that you start looking for work in the UK.

Re: the house - you need to speak to a solicitor really.

Neither of us are British, we live in our home country where we have always lived and where our family and friends are.

We are going to speak to a solicitor about the house as the negative equity makes it complicated. We had a co-owenership agreement drawn up when we bought it as we are not married, but nobody forsaw the negative equity problem at that stage.

Thanks for all the input.