Online dating - am I wasting my time if I don't want to post my photograph on a public page?

[Modmother]

I've been single for over three years and have generally been quite content on my own. However, I've hd a bit of change of heart recently and would like to try and meet someone, not necessarily for anything serious, but for company, socialising etc. To be honest, I would also like to have sex again at some point, although I'm not someone who is comfortable with one night stands etc.

Anyway, my worry with online dating is that while I'd happily share a photo if asked, I don't want just anyone to be able to see my picture while casually viewing a site. This is mainly because of my job - I'm not famous or anything but I am in a senior role in my organisation which is quite high profile locally. I occasionally have be make statements to the press etc and I wouldn't want everyone who works for me knowing about things I'd consider private.

Is this a non starter? Surely I can't be the only person to have had this dilemma?

I met my husband through online dating many years ago and I didn't put a picture up for exactly the same reasons as you! Well, not so much that I give statements to the press or anything like that, but I held a senior role in a large company in a small town (I.e. I knew everyone and they knew me ) so I just concentrated on having a great profile and was happy to provide a photo if someone asked. I got a request very quickly and ended up marrying the lucky man so good luck and believe me - no photo is absolutely not a problem!

Oh, that's encouraging Vino! Thanks for such a positive story.

I just don't think you'd get many replies- the advantage of online dating compared to the old newspaper lonely hearts ads is that you can now see various profile pics!

Rather than all or nothing, how about something in between: a mid distance holiday photo, a side profile shot, or a close up with something like sunglasses so that you aren't immediately recognisable? Men will still be able to get an idea of whether they'd find you attractive from that.

The other thing I'd say is that most dating sites don't let you see pictures unless you are registered, meaning anyone seeing your profile is a member themselves, rather than just nosey members of the public. Just join one that does that.

I'm afraid I don't look at any profiles without photos, I think it kind of defeats the object of OD. There are so many men who include in their profile that they will not contact someone without a photo.

I understand where you are coming from with your career, and I am a very private person and initially didn't want anyone knowing I was OD but it's so common these days. I know lots of people who have had success.

Also, if anyone signed up for OD sees you then they are on there for the same reason as you.

Hmm, mabye the registered route is the way to go. I'd been looking at sites like Times Encounters (not pof), but you can still see quite a few people without subscribing. That's what I'm trying to avoid I guess.

I met my DP two years ago through OLD. I didn't post a photo because of my job. I wasn't short of replies. I agree with Vino, in the absence of a photo you have to do a kick ass profile.

Give it a go OP and good luck.

You can still post an ad in a newspaper if you don't want to show your face.

Of course, there's nothing to stop you subscribing without a photo and searching for men that you like and sending them a message with a photo.

It's not only about men contacting you, I know I'm stating the obvious

Good idea handful. I must keep reminding myself that this is now the 21st century - been away for all this for several decades!

You will have fun! I have made some nice friends on there too.

It's a bit like shopping

Just another bit of advice, it's something I was going to do but didn't in the end. You could get a pay-as-you-go phone for any calls from potential matches and also set up a different email account. This is handy if your email address has your name in and then you can keep that anonymity until you're certain about someone.

I have an OLD profile without a photo. I say in my profile just ask and I'll give. I don't have a senior role but I do a lot of voluntary work in the community and my job is also in my town. Sometimes when I go out, even in the bigger city near me, local people come up and say "Hey its the whereIWork woman". I really don't need that on the internet. I tried a picture and people contacted me I already knew. It was awkward. Someone even came into my work!

That said..it hasn't been very successful since removing the picture. I have had a couple of dates. I'm just looking for a some sex and a bit of company. Looking for something more must be very hard without a picture! The worst thing is when someone contacts you, you send your picture, then no reply! That has happened a lot. You have to be ready for that rejection, which you wouldn't get with a picture.

My experience on OD was c 9 years ago however no-one ever looked like their photo in real life so it was kind of pointless anyway! I'd be intrigued by a great profile with no pic so go for it but be willing to send an up to date one when asked

Hi - I used OLD and met DH on there. I did not have a photo on there which probably did mean that a few guys skipped past my profile. I would say it is still wothwhile though, I just accepted that I had to be a little more proactive about initiating contact, I made a joke about the lack of photo in my profile (something along the lines of liking good food but no that was not the reason for not posting a photo) and made it clear that I was happy to provide one once I was sure that it was not one of my colleagues asking!

Thanks for all the great advice. Have to say, I'm tempted to try without a photo but be quite upfront as to why, and then I can always add later (not that I think that will attract them in their droves by any means........).

I take the point about having a thick skin. I can just imagine sending a photo, only to to get a 'thanks, but I'll leave it' type response!

I can just imagine sending a photo, only to to get a 'thanks, but I'll leave it' type response!

If that happens, you just search again!

I've only had one bad response to one message I sent and he replied saying he really liked what he saw/read but I have 'had my babies' and he's looking for someone to have babies with!! I just thanked him for his honesty and breathed a sigh of relief!

As long as you don't mind rejection after you send a photo you might do okay. Certainly there will be men who will skip past your profile, either thinking it's a man messing about with people or that the woman has something to hide (maybe in a relationship already).

Men are very visual so I suspect that many will move on past your profile without a photo...

I "surfed" a few sites to see what kind of pool of men were out there but could only read messages once I had signed up and paid. I only got a couple of messages without a photo but many more with one.

I'm also wary of men who don't put up a photo although I have chanced entering into conversations without one and then they have sent one by email. And yes, when I looked at one (with his comb-over) I immediately changed my mind - rather awkward as he had sounded quite attractive up to that point! How do you tell them that the photo was the deal-breaker at that stage?

Funniest experience I had was meeting up with someone who refused to send a photo "for professional reasons" but after a long online chat on the topic of spies and the secret service (a very long story!) agreed to meet me wearing a pink carnation and carrying a rolled-up copy of the Times!!! Actually he wasn't that bad looking and we got on fine for a couple of hours over a coffee and had a laugh together. But I didn't sense any spark between us so it went no further however I don't consider it a complete waste of time - I think that the more you just go for the experience you build up your self-esteem and then simply move onto the next one...

I also agree about setting up a separate email account which doesn't show your surname - I don't want to be Googled until I know someone better. A separate phone sounds a bit too complicated.

I have a photo up on a dating site and feel very exposed. I've given notice of termination of contract with the site but can't get out of it until July. Its about ten pounds a week so at least I know that former pupils aren't casually browsing - on the free sites teenagers even put up false identities for a laugh. I only get to see photos of the men they 'match' with me - I can't see the competition so I assume that even in my age group all the women are absolutely gorgeous gym-bunnies. I have nothing to offer to a man who wants that! I get a lot of attention locally, but sadly mainly from married men, so I'm going to make what I can of that in future. If you're a single man between 45 and 65, and you live near me, don't approach me unless you're ready to be taken at your word!

OP, the dating sites I've been on have 'privacy settings' (a la FB) where you can opt for your profile to be visible only to other members, not the general public. IIRC they tend to default to 'visible to all' (so they can use their members pics for publicity) so you'll have to go in to 'settings' and reset it - but you can do it.

Also check the small print of the site you're on - a lot of them leave your profile up after your membership expires, so be sure to take down your photo (and I removed all my details) before your membership lapses, or your details will be on view and you won't be able to log on to remove them!

I'm on POF and I hide my profile (there's no charge). That way only people I contact see my profile.

I have a look at all the profiles and make a list of those who seem worthy of my attention, and then send a cheery message to five of them and see what comes back. Then another five.....

Its working beautifully so far.

I did something a little different (on plenty of fish). I listed myself as living somewhere else. Gave a completely different postcode and area so people searching for me by area wouldn't find me - so with any luck no one I knew would see me. I don't know how it works now but when I did it I was still able to search for people in my own proper area so I just took the initiative and messaged them saying pof had registered me in the wrong area :)

Worked for me ... been married to dh for several years now. Met on there.