questioning sexuality

[whynowblowwind]

I know I seem to have made loads of threads lately, I'm sorry, I'm so muddled.

I am married but it isn't a happy one. That's covered in other threads though and you were all great then.

The thing is this. One of the things that became an issue with DH a few years ago, was my friendship with another woman. He said it was as if I was having an emotional affair with her, it's easy for me to dismiss this but if I'm honest he had a point. I won't go into details as obviously they're not appropriate but the upshot is, I've not felt sexually attracted to DH for ages.

I have however felt attracted to women. Very attracted. I have no interest in men but I do in women. I've had at least three 'crushes' (and as anyone who's had one knows they feel VERY intense) on women in the last two/three years.

So it should be cut and dry. I like women, I don't like men. So I'm gay? Is that it, is that the long and short of it?

I honestly don't know. But I suspect (and an offhand comment from a friend made me realise how obvious it probably is ) I think I'm looking for a mother figure, I definitely have a type with the women I fall for, they're all so similar they could be related. I lost my own mum young.

Does it mean I AM gay? Or am I just looking for something else?

Sorry about all the threads, I just really Really need to talk.

Were you attracted to your husband? Have you felt real sexual desire for Men before? If so you are more likely bisexual than gay. The label isn't so important though. You know you don't what your husband so you shouldn't be with him. When your single if the people you are attracted to are women then be with women. You don't need to identify as gay to date women just do what makes you happy.

If you don't feel attracted to your dh, then that's the problem you need to work on. Put your sexuality questions aside for a minute and work out if you want to be with him.

I was with my ex with nearly 10 years and assumed I was pretty much 100% straight for the first 5 years or so. I had the odd thought about women, but assumed that every woman did secretly and I certainly didn't need to question my sexuality.

A couple of years ago, my feelings suddenly switched and suddenly realised that my thoughts about women, were very often and very intense. To cut a loooooooong story short, I left my ex, met and fell in love with a woman.

I identify as bi now, but being with a woman feels more natural to me. The longer I'm with my gf, the less attracted I am to men. Also, when I look back, I realised that I did actually have crushes on girls, I just didn't know that's what they were at the time.

I don't think you should worry too much about whether you are in fact, gay. The fact is, you're not attracted to your DH anymore, so it's not really a relationship you should stay in, regardless of gender.

If you're saying that you're really not attracted to men generally, then yes, chances are you're gay, but sexuality is a complicated thing and it can change. We're all on a sexuality spectrum and very few of us (I believe) are on completely to the left, or right side of the line.

Before you do anything else, you need to work out how you're going to discuss this with your DH. He deserves to know the truth and you need to be true to yourself.

I understand the confusion you're feeling, so pm if you like.

My old mum used to have a saying for when people are unsure of new things:

'Suck it and see'

I'm 100% sure this wasn't what she had in mind, but that doesn't stop it being good advice. It doesn't commit you to being a lesbian for ever.

That aside, if you have issues in your marriage you need to address these first. Either you want to commit to making a go of it (which takes both of you) or you need to end it as respectfully as you can.

Maybe losing your mum when you were young combined with something lacking in your marriage is behind your attraction to certain types of women and you are seeking something from them that isn't actually sexual.

Have you considered counselling for just you? It might be a good first step.