Separated after 25 years 8weeks ish ago and confidence in everything shattered . Is this usual ? Any hand holding v welcome x

[fakeblondie]

Recently separated from DH after long unhappy relationship .
Without going into details of relationship which I never thought I'd escape from ( but wasn't entirely all bad as had 4 beautiful dc) I feel I am doing really really well.
Am concentrating almost entirely on being the best mommy I can and after some good advice on here am doing a little of looking after me also so that I can be a good mum. Eg reg meals sleep seeing friends etc . I name changed originally when we split as needed to tell all and get some specific advice for which I am very grateful .
Anyway having separated which is something I never ever imagined I would do I seem to have lost all my confidence and I don't know why ?
i m a worrier anyway but this is more than that.
My parents are the " but I took you too stately homes type " but have been ok . When I say ok they haven't asked me if I'm ok or the children , in fact haven't asked how I am after 25 years even once , but I did get a text ( after I'd texted dm ) saying as long as I was happy she was happy .
I'm floored by the support of so many friends I mean really overwhelmed .
For the first month I just cried lots and drank lots .
This seemed to be followed by a few weeks of almost elation that I was ok and could do this . I started to tell people and eat better .
Now I seem to be going backwards again in that I am over analysing everything people say and do . I ve lost my confidence in my parenting ability big time and feel like I'm a bad mum sometimes . Find it hard to get the youngest two to bed on time because I have a log drive home from work, often need to stop and pick up milk or something and it can be 6 or 7 before I get in . Then I have the dinner to cook and usual chores, and before I know it it can be 9pm and dd4 just going to bed with no bath and no story . I feel awful . I then seem to get into bed myself about 1am because I have so much to do to prepare or next day for us all and have no help from anyone . I get up at 545 to sort us all out and get ds to breakfast club which is a long way away then drop dd 4 at her minder then dd2 at bus then drive an hour to work .
I ve started to feel like I can't do anything well and when people are talking to me I'm thinking of other things like where I have to be next . I miss appointments or forget to pay things on time or go to school events .
I feel like I'm the messy one everywhere I go with no organisational skills and can't even look at people like I used to . I feel like i want to disappear or hide From everyone . Sometimes I want to sell the house and move as far away as possible and start again where nobody knows me and can judge me.What doesn't help is that the reason we have split is so private I can't tell anyone . I can't risk the dc ever finding out something about their daddy . To everyone here we were the perfect couple I think so when peoplefind out they initially look gob smacked and then go in for details . I just don't know what to say because I just can't so I imagine they think I just fancied booting DH out because of some mid life crisis or something and I can't tell them the real reason so say nothing . I just feel like all my confidence has gone at the moment and is it common and if so what can I do to gain some back , or how long will it last ? in fact hiw long is this transition and what other emotions can I expect over what sort of timescale ? X

Well I think you are doing marvellously! Remember, this is the really tough bit, you are coming to terms with a major life changing event, your emotions no doubt riotous, and here you are, the Mother, getting it all done. In whatever way you can.

25 years? 8 weeks is fuck all!

Don't give details to anyone you don't wish to. It's a private matter. Tell them that, 'It's private'. You don't have to give the gossips any fodder.

Give your self time. Remember to breathe, be gentle with yourself, one day, one hour, one moment to the next.

I had eleven years with my exH, eight of them married, and it took me 25 years to get over it. You're doing fine.
Counselling, gp and all that. You must. Relate or whatever they are called now. Anything on those lines. People to talk to in confidence.
Be very kind to yourself and make a mantra about how good you are. 'I'm great, I'm good, I'm doing what I should' etc.
Be firm with your mind when it starts over-analysing. When you think 'Why did X say that?' change it to 'I don't care why X said that'.
Good luck.

I think you should probably talk to your GP and that you sound a little depressed. Unsurprising really in the circumstances. The period around planning to end the relationship and the first few weeks of getting some kind of normality up and running will have involved a lot of adrenalin to carry you through - the elation you mentioned. Once that wears off, you're bound to feel a little low with a few doubts and insecurities but people may think you're coping and not be quite as supportive as they were initially. This is the time to ask for help.

You can also tell your GP some of the details that you don't want to share with others since they have to maintain your confidence. It may help.

You are doing brilliantly! It's very much an uphill struggle with 4 DC in the first few months, it feels like shovelling snow off your drive during a blizzard I know - I was there too over 20 years ago. I couldn't tell why I'd kicked the creep out either, his family still despise me today.
This is what I did, I broke my days down to what I needed to do, by the hour so I knew exactly what I was doing and then I didn't have time or the energy to overthink. Slowly, things fell into a routine, all the DC were calmer and I started to feel I could do it. If I missed a need off the list, it was ok, I didn't browbeat myself and tomorrow was always just a few hours away. Some nights without a story or bath or home cooked hummus won't harm anyone.
just for you! You are amazing!!

Wow, I am full of admiration for you, four young children and a (full time?) job. No wonder you are feeling its all too much right now.
I am nearly a year down the line, with only 2 children and a part time job and have felt often that its been one step forwards and two back at times. It does feel like you are on a roller coaster but life does settle down after a while.
Have you told work? Are they supportive? Could you get your GP to sign you off for a few weeks and take some time out? You should expect to feel that you are not performomg as well as you'd like at home and at work for a good while as your head cannot keep up with all that has happened.

It will get better just hang on in there

Just reading what you do every day wore me out! You're doing brilliantly, honestly. You may be knackered, you may be a little late but You ARE doing it.

You're still getting over it, processing and grieving. Don't underestimate how stress will make everything harder.

Thank you so much . So I'm doing ok . I thought about some councelling too as it could only help to offload what actually happened . It's so expensive and normally I would pay but I need to cut back a lot now . Gp councellor will likely have a 2/3 month waiting list but won't do any harm to put my name down . Hope it doesn't take me another 25 years to get over this Lordstrange ! Am trying to be kind to myself and dc and be as organised as I can I know it will be worth it as things settle down . I just siding expect such a huge swing if different emotions . I honestly don't think I'm depressed . Maybe have been for last ten to twelve years but not know its over . Just shocked and stupidly happy one minute then feel like ill never manage it and am crap mummy the next . Nothing wrong with beans on toast once a week ( or 5 times ) tho so getting there ! X

Beans on toast is the perfect meal. Especially if you burn the toast a bit for the carbon. The nutritionist told me this when I was at college, it covers all the food groups seemingly.

You could mix it up and have scrambled egg or poached egg or spaghetti or Nutella - scratch the last on there
Have another
You are still doing marvellously!

You are doing VERY well . Getting everyone to their designated places on time is bloody amazing. Really, don't be so hard on yourself. I remember after my ex moved, out 2 yrs ago now ,I left the dog outside the shop (all night) by accident. Luckily someone took her home (and she has a short memory). I had panic attacks ten mind after arriving at work - "did I drop dd1 here, and dd2 there?". Taking ADs now, they help get me through all the jobs so it's not so much one step forward and two back anymore. Though with kids that is to be expected anyway, no?

Things that helped ... Asda on line shop if there's one near you , a small chest freezer in my cellar to put extra milk and bread in . Rope the kids into laying table/tidying /sorting out dirty clothes etc.

Is your ex seeing the dcs? I clean the house and shop in the few hours my ex has our dds.

Have you let work know? My manager knows it's just me doing everything , also school know that I will pay school dinners ... Eventually. People do understand. You're probably doing a better job than some couples!

Here's a pat on the back and some

Hi its hard when there doesnt seem enough hours in the day.
ive got a 4 week meal plan, I have a cooking day, usually sunday where I batch cook and freeze. I stock up on quick cook veg, broccoli only takes 5 mins and frozen mash is good enough in this house.
I have a quick look at list in morning and take whatever out of the freezer in the morning and it gets heated in the micro when I come in.
Bath and bed after dinner, then I do a little ironing to keep on top of it.
Are your children at a childminder, if so perhaps they could provide an evening meal for a couple of pounds extra ?
Oh and get a calendar and write everything on it.

fakeblondie don't disregard counselling as expensive. I was given the name of a local charity in my area that does counselling on a sliding scale for payment, and I'm paying £5 per week for counselling. It's been a god-send and has helped me immensely. Ask around and see if you've got similar programmes locally, you might be pleasantly surprised.

And 8 weeks is an astoundingly short time - you're doing well - take it easy on yourself!!