DH Facebook perving at close female friend

[Schnoob182]

Hey lovely ladies, need your advice. I have been happily married for 2 years to my partner of 8 years. We are best of friends but like most people we have our pasts. I have just returned from a girlie minibreak and for some reason decided to check our laptops 'history', don't ask why, I just felt I wanted to, probably out of curiosity. It seems DH spent most of 1 night looking at photos of his close female friend (one I might add, who has just spilt from her fiance). He did like her at school, before I knew him but nothing has ever happened between them (as far as I know). Apart from her flirting in the past. This has really upset me, because she is in our circle of friends and that particular night I was away, he didn't reply to my text until 3 hours later (clearly otherwise engaged looking at pics...). What should I do? I feel hurt and angry :( xx

Say nothing. Don't tell him you know. Keep a close eye on him. A very very close eye.

Second what nunyabiz said. Keep your powder dry.

Facebook makes people do silly things. As long as it's silly curiosity that's ok. Forget it.

Thanks so much Nunyabiz. That is my plan but i'm so bad at hiding my emotions x

When you say 'perving'.... what kind of photos were these? The regular cheesy FB output that anyone could look through when bored or something more intimate? There's a saying.... 'eavesdroppers never hear good of themselves'

If you are insecure enough in your relationship to go checking laptop history, reading something into a 3 hour delay between texts and so forth then you two really need to talk to each other - and not, I would suggest, solely about the female friend.

Thanks Universal and Cloggal! If it was just a random I wouldn't care but I see the way he looks at her when we're in a group sometimes and it's very hard to ignore the chemistry. I guess you never quite forget a highschool crush (especially an unconsumated one, so to speak). I know if I saw my highschool crush on a regular basis, I might behave the same. It's just the timing that's bad as she's newly single and it's hurtful as I was away and that's how he chose to spend his evening. (I might rewatch Spartacus on my own, but it's not the same thing!) x

Thanks for the sound advice too CogitoErgoSometimes, you're right, why would I check the history if I was secure. On reading back this does sound like it's about my ego, but I'm a romantic and although her presence in the group hasn't really bothered me before, when you know that's who your partner is thinking about, it kind of dumps on everything. It's a bit too close to home, that's all x

If you get a bad feeling about someone... the 'chemistry' as you put it.... then the answer is really to be up front with your partner about your observations & get some reassurances. Once you start snooping through lap-tops and using words like 'perving' all you're doing is feeding your insecurities and making yourself look jealous and unreasonable.

If he really does have the hots for this female friend, a well-placed word might get him to modify his behaviour.

You're completely right and very wise, thank you for taking the time to reply. I'm not naturally a snooper and it makes me feel bad that I did. I'll speak to him about it x

I get the impression everyone in this story is pretty young. How old were you and your DH when you first became partners?

"You never forget a high school crush"

Yes you do. If you are a grownup who has moved on. The people I had crushes on in high school I wouldn't be interested in now, because I was a different person and they were different people.

I agree with Cogito that you should talk to him. You don't have to say that you have been snooping if you don't want to, if his behaviour in public has been enough to make you already think that there is something worth discussing or worrying about.

He was 25 and I was 29. You're right Trills, I actually have no interest in the life of my high school crush but then I have moved on geographically aswell as emotionally. The past is the past. My other half turns 30 next year and i've heard 29 is a bit of a wierd one for men or is that just BS? x

He was 20 and I was 24 when we got together (25 and 29 when we got married)

It's BS. There is no predetermined weird age for men, or women for that matter. If this 'flirty' female friend is making you feel insecure that's the thing to fix. Longer term, might be a good idea to make some different friends, move in different circles etc.

Thanks CogitoErgoSometimes. We live in different places which helps but meet up with the group for most birthdays (they are DH's school friends). I would say i'm pretty secure but a similar thing happened with my ex (a close female friend basically pursued him and it ended up ruining the relationship because he was a bit secretive and didn't tell her to back off, so I gradually withdrew, then ended it).

There was a bday I couldn't make last weekend, so I don't know what words were exchanged between DH and this girl that night. I know a realist would say get a grip, men do fancy their female friends but I know this will eat at me and I will start to resent him/go off him..

Anyhow, first world problems and all that. Thanks for all your advice ladies, DH is catching up with a male friend tonight, so I will choose my moment carefully tomorrow or Monday and try and keep some perspective. This scenario probably says more about me than him but I guess it's hard to change your behavioural pattern. Night night and thanks for all your kind and helpful words x

a night alone, an internet connection....no porn? Strange bloke.