How can I stop being anxious/passive aggressive when DP goes out drinking?

[AngelsInWinter]

I admit, I'm a control freak and I used to be a bit of a bitch when DP went out with his mates.

Nowadays, Im pretty good at keeping my mouth shut and trying to be positive when he goes out. But then I just tie myself in knots all night and end up fuming. I'll take it out on him at some point... maybe send him an attention seeking text while hes out, or try to stop him having a lay in the next day. It's horrible, I know it's wrong and I want to stop.

E.g. He is going out tonight. Tbf he NEVER makes plans to go out - his friends ask him. And for the past year and a half he's rarely gone out drinking. He used to go out a lot more often and let me down quite a few times e.g. Coming home later than planned or not coming home all night

I went out last night, so it's not like I don't socialise (although I didn't used to when he was out all the time). I've planned a 'nice' night for myself... Think bath, takeaway, early night etc. yet Im still anxious and annoyed about him going. His friend is single and is always on the pull and it makes me mad just knowing they'll be chatting to girls (although DP is a bit shy in these situations and I wouldn't describe him as a flirt - he certainly wasn't when we first met and obviously he was a young, single guy then!).

No matter how calm I am at the beginning of the night I'm always seething with rage when he stumbles in at stupid o clock smelling of booze.

How can I just be normal about him going out? :(

Does he get into a state when he's out?

There must be some problem that you're not saying..........

Get some professional help to deal with your anxiety, anger and control issues OP. Your first port of call should be your GP.

But why are you so raging when he gets in? What exactly do you think is wrong with him going out?

I've had some counselling, but because my anxiety/depression score sheets were amazing towards the end, I was told I didn't need any more sessions.

What would I say to the GP? I feel like such a freak.

And yes he does drink a lot, he can't have a few then come home early. Neither can I. But then it's not that often tht we go out anymore - me hardly ever.

You're just going to have to sit with the anxiety. Just because you have an emotion does not mean you have to act on it. Feeling uncomfortable about him going out is entirely your problem, please don't make it his it's very unfair.

Do what I do with clients who engage in problematic behaviours and 'urge surf'. If you get an urge to send a text just wait and go and do something else for 15 mins, then see whether you still have the urge and how strong it is. If still strong, repeat and wait another 15 mins. After a while it usually subsides or becomes more manageable.

Do you still go out together sometimes?

ThinkIveBeenHacked - well tbh I think it's because deep down I can't stand him having a fun/amazing/eventful night that doesn't involve me. I'm being very honest there, please don't flame me. I deal perfectly well with the DC when he works away yet as soon as he says he's going to be out with friends I get all needy and moody because why should I deal with kids blah blah.

He never minds me going out and actively encourages it.

The Counselling that you had may have been enough at the time, but you need more in order to get to the root of the problems and bring about lasting change OP.

As for tonight: ask yourself how you would feel if your DP did this to you because you went out. Write out a plan of how you would like to react (I will not phone him, I will let him sleep until...,etc) then stick to it.

We do go out together sometimes.

Jaycebee thank you, very good advice. I've started thinking like this before I say something:

Is it kind?
Is it true?
Is it necessary?

If the answer is yes to all three then I go ahead and say it. Cringey, I know!

Dione - I'm actually going to try that. I'm very stubborn so want to use it to my advantage in trying to change.

I don't think your op bodes well. You can't stand him having fun without you? Is that insecurity? It will lose you the man. Set him free to have fun and deal with yourself before you lose him. What you are doing is mean. Well done I guess for asking for help with it...

The way to deal with it is to say bye nicely, be busy, don't fume, don't imagine things he is doing, do your own thing. Then when he comes in, laugh and be nice to him and make it about as normal as him getting in from work. No one likes to be on a leash feeling guilty.

I wouldn't flame you OP because you're admitting the issue is yours and owning it. Massively the most important factor in making changes if you were on here asking for help on how to make him stay in, then I would!

Did you're counsellor teach you any mindfulness/meditation breathing or similar? Now would be a good time to practice if so. Just detach from any negative thoughts you get, just because you think something it doesn't make it true! And act as if you are cool and breezy, even if you don't feel it inside. Fake it til you make it!

"He used to go out a lot more often and let me down quite a few times e.g. coming home later than planned or not coming home all night."

Past experience has taught you to be angry and resentful at his selfish actions, so it's not surprising that you feel the same emotions at the prospect of him going out without you.

Have you ever come home later than planned without letting him know or gone out and not come home at all? If not, I suggest you try it some time.

something2say - well, thanks for being honest... Yes I suppose it is insecurity. I'm VERY insecure. I've been treated badly by my parents, siblings, all my ex boyfriends and a lot of my ex friends so I kind of expect it. I know I shouldn't take it out on DP - I'm just trying to explain myself. I know what I do is mean and of course it pisses him off. It doesn't really achieve anything for me, either.

I'm definitely going to keep busy tonight - got loads of stuff to sort out in our bedroom, it's a right tip!

Really like the idea of acting as if he's just got in from work. I'm always nice then!

This will sound really really odd but here goes... I think I feel that when he goes out, he's doing it on purpose to upset me, and he's having a good laugh about how I'm stuck at home alone. I realise that makes me sound like a completely egotistical twat but my ex boyfriend was exactly like this - everything he did was to get a rise from me, or upset me.

I do this too OP. Glad I am not the only one butI am very ashamed . The only reason/underlying insecurity I have is that my ex husband cheated on me whilst out on a work night out and then had a year long affair which destroyed the marriage .But my lovely DH is nothing like him and would never do they yet I still feel incredible anxiety .

Those are the issues then, not him and going out. Deal with them fully. All that anger, heading their way, not his.

X well done. You'll be fine. Get a massive grip and send the anger where it actually belongs.

Thanks Jaycee. She didnt teach me any of that unfortunately :( I always try to act cool and breezy but it nearly always gets to the point where I can't hold it any longer and make some sarcastic comment. But again, I'm going to REALLY try to think before I speak.

Bitter - after nearly 4 years together, I think last night was the FIRST time I've gone out and then come home way later than expected. But I was still relying to his texts until he fell asleep, and he didn't mind me being late back. I had the opportunity of not coming home (friend said I could stop at hers) but I just wanted to be home!
You're right in that I've become quite resentful. But things are pretty good between us at the minute so I don't want to spoil it.

watching this with interest, as I do the same thing!

Something - to be fair he has done some shitty things whilst drunk. Not involving other women, but still shitty nonetheless. I do need to move on though because he has changed and matured LOADS in the past 18 months.

Smoked garlic - Jesus, that sounds awful. I'm sorry that happened to you. It is really hard to trust again after something so horrible! Someone once said to me that there's no point worrying about things you can't control, which may help you. It never helps me, because I hate being out of control!

Update: he didn't even go! His friend is the most unreliable person ever and didnt get back to him. I'd rather he did go - he was quite grumpy about it... Seems to have lightened up now though!

Next time I'll have to take all your suggestions on board...