Am I allowed to feel this way? Hw do I move past this?

[Stateofaffairs]

I had an affair. It ended in January. My DH suspected something was wrong and confronted me in March. I confessed all. It just all came blurting out. He was, understandably, devastated.

So many factors involved here...hard to give the whole picture...but...

After an initial period of wanting me out, DH has decided to try to forgive me and work on our marriage. We have talked, cried, talked...I am committed to trying to make things work, too, and to doing whatever it takes to make my DH feel loved and secure again. I love him. I really want to move on and help him move on, too.

I am now having psychotherapy for some of my own issues (I am bipolar). In time, we will probably have couples counselling, too (he doesnt feel ready yet). I have urged DH to have some counselling first, too, as he hasnt really talked to anyone other than me (other than one conversation with a close friend) about what happened, and I know he has a lot of anger and pain he needs to express, too. He is considering it.

My problem at the moment (not being selfish and thinking about 'my' problem...but its a massive barrier to us moving on) is my grief over the affair. Everything about it. Regret and shame at the pain caused to DH and the OM's wife...terrible shame/shock almost when I look back at what I did...awful awful grief over something very shameful (I got pregnant as a result of the affair and had an abortion...my DH knows this)...very bad pain over the way the OM treated me after this.

I know people will probably flame me and many will have the attitude 'serves you right'. I agree. I sowed the seeds and am now reaping the pain. Nobody has escaped this mess we created. But I guess I am saying the unspeakable...that I am incredibly hurt by this mess, too. I dont know how to get past it. Therapy (so far) isnt touching the pain. It just feels like raking over things, but never moving me past them.

I need to be strong and concentrate on my DH, on our relationship, on making things better. But I just feel broken inside, really. I feel as if I am the one that has been hurt. Ridiculous. Am I just a really terrible, selfish person?

No.

For one thing, you've had a pregnancy which you chose to terminate, you had the abortion, you will be in mourning of a kind. You have to live with that choice forever. Hopefully it will hurt less as time goes on. Remind yourself that your circumstances were very difficult and you did what was best at the time. Do not be ashamed - you did what you had to do.

Another? It isn't wrong to love people and to want them. That's how we're made, its natural and normal. Sometimes it leads to affairs.
Bipolar disorder will give you 'highs', will it not? When you feel unstoppable? And it is known to increase libido. I'm not making excuses for your affair, but there could be chemical as well as psychological reasons why you didn't want to resist it.

You don't mention grief over the ending of the affair. You've lost someone you loved, even if only for a while. You will mourn, surely? And the OM was unkind to you about the abortion? That isn't going to make you feel good.

You say therapy isn't working, but its very early days and there's a lot of ground to cover. Keep at it.

You want things to be 'right' with your DH very soon, but realistically this will take years to overcome, with advances and setbacks all along the way. Don't be too hard on yourself because you can't make things perfect right now. Maybe there were problems with your relationship with DH before your affair.

So no, I don't think you are a bad person because you are hurt, and needing support right now. Keep with the counselling, and encourage your DH to talk to a counsellor rather than a friend.

Take things slowly, be kind to yourself. Good luck.

Thank you, IWill.

I don't know what I am expecting. I know I don't really deserve sympathy, as such. But I have nobody I can talk to about this in real life. I do feel very ashamed.

Yes, my bipolar disorder had a huge part to play in the affair. I am trying to stay well now and ensure that I never let it get that out of control again. However, we are still left with the mess I made and all the wreckage, no matter what the reasons behind my behaviour. Thats the hard truth.

I know the abortion is a huge part of how I feel. I kept it a secret from everybody but the OM, and he pretty much cut me off when he found out I was pregnant and offered no support at all. I didn't grieve at all. Looking back, I just went into a panicked survival mode. I don't know if I really wanted to terminate, to be honest. I just didn't feel there was any other option.

I do grieve terribly for the loss of the OM, too. This doesn't make sense (he has treated me very badly...I don't want to be with him...I love my DH and want to be married to him)...but he rejected me terribly when I needed him. That does still hurt, as self absorbed as it makes me sound. And I have to hold it in, as my DH does not need to hear how hurt I am over another man, does he?

I guess I know that you are right - this is all going to take a lot of time and work to get through. I feel so completely stuck, still, though. Like I want to move forward, but cant. I still cry every day, go over everything constantly in my mind. I swing between anger, self loathing, genuine grief. Its a very bad mess.

I think you have to go thro the pain. You say that counselling is raking it over and you just want to get back on with your marriage. Don't be unwise. You don't get to choose how you feel. The problem is, will your husband want to watch you feel it.

Why do you want your husband again now? Because the OM was so horrible?

My husband is amazing. He is 100% committed to making it work. Bottom line is, he absolutely adores me. That makes me feel very lucky and ashamed at the same time, to say that. He absolutely LOVES the bones of me.

I want to be with my husband because, with a clear head and out of the mania, I love him very much. We have built so much together over the years and through difficult circumstances. Of course - it would be a lie to say otherwise - the affair put my marriage in to sharp focus and made me realise how lucky I am, how much I almost threw away.

I am not trying to wave a magic wand to make it all better. I know there will be pain. There IS pain. For my DH, for me...at the moment, though, I feel like the pain i feel is so intense it is stopping me from focussing properly on all that is good and on the future.

I am not explaining myself well. Sorry.

I hate using cliches but in this instance they are very apt - not least 'what's done is done'.

Sounds trite I know but it's the reality. You can't go back, you can't change anything, you can't undo it .. and by going over and over it you are perpetuating that cycle of guilt, shame, remorse, regret and grief. The only place this affair exists is in your mind and memory and to an unknown degree, in the minds of memories of those affected by it.

I hate to say this, but you are wallowing. That might sound harsh but the constant rethinking and analysing, picking over the bones of what is dead and done is stopping you from moving on.

You have to try and set aside your emotions and allow your logical thought processes to take over. And before you say 'I can't' let me assure you, you can. This is how all recovery works - the transition from emotional response to thought response. It's the whole premise on which CBT is based.

You made a horrible, horrible mistake. You cheated on your husband with another woman's husband. You got pregnant by him, were abandoned by him and had a traumatic abortion.

That's a lot of shit to contend with and of course you aren't going to be able to wave a magic wand and make out like it didn't happen. Of course there's going to be emotional fallout – you wouldn't be human if you didn't feel hurt, grief, anger, shame and all the rest of it. But you can't (and won't) go on feeling like that forever, so why prolong the agony?

Just for a moment, set your feelings aside and look at it logically. You did it. End of. No going back, no changing it. The guy you had the affair with turned out to be a prick. Nothing you can do about that either. That's his problem, his wife's problem, or his next lover's problem, it's not yours, so set it aside, better still discard it. Stop reliving your 'hurt' over how he treated you and start thinking in terms of how lucky you are to not be with someone like him.

Your husband still loves you and you love him. The affair has brought into sharp focus just how much you love him. You (and he from what you have told us) have come out the other side of this. You have. You are writing about your affair in the past tense. You are writing about your abortion, your confession ... all of it, in the past tense, because that's where it is. In the past. You are through it, it's done - what you are left with is the emotional aftermath. You now have to deal with those emotions otherwise you will never be able to give your loyal husband who you tell us 'adores the bones of you' the love and commitment he deserves.

Set a time limit on your grief. Allow yourself a day, weekend, week whatever ..... a period of time when you give yourself permission to 'wallow' for want of a better word to your heart's content. Revisit it if, relive it, go over it, allow the emotional response free rein, weep, wail, shout, scream, write about it, talk about it, whatever comes, let it come. Then set yourself a date/date from which you are going to stop wallowing and consciously make an effort to start moving forward.

If you want to spend your time hating yourself there's not much anyone can say to stop you. However, in the context of the bigger picture, it is rather self-indulgent and could even trigger a repeat episode. If your partner is prepared to forgive you, try to meet that in kind. Things are not going to be the same again, but there's no need to make it more unpleasant than necessary.

Thank you, Fontella. I will try to take your advice. I know it is sensible. The difficulty is, the 'wallowing' isn't just a conscious thing. It invades my life at random moments. I wake up and cry, involuntarily. Just burst into tears and have to hide in the bathroom and cover my mouth to stop the sobbing. I have terrible dreams about the abortion and the OM. I could be sitting at work or in a cafe or at the park with my kids, and suddenly, this grief will come up in my throat like its choking me and I cant breathe. It is very, very powerful.

I have had CBT in the past, though. I will try to hold on to those principles and try harder to control my emotions.

Cogito, I always read you responses on MN and respect your opinion. Thanks. I do hate my self. I know it is self indulgent. I think the main thing. Hate myself for is the abortion. That has really come up today, from writing here. I need to get some help with dealing with the aftermath of that. I dont think just willing myself to pull myself together is going to work, unfortunately.

Could you seek counselling just for the abortion? It may well be that they offer a different kind of acceptance,and when you are ready, closure.

I know I didn't use the phrase 'pull yourself together'. You've clearly got multiple and severe MH problems as a consequence of and pre-existing the affair and I hope you get the professional help you need. I also hope your partner is getting some support

Its so hard to know what I should be doing.

I'm seeing a psychotherapist because of my bipolar, primarily. I was offered CBT on the NHS, but after six sessions, the therapist thought I should be referred back to a psychiatrist for a further assessment. Psychiatrist referred me for exploratory psychotherapy. My PCT doesn't offer psychiatric care for bipolar disorder unless you are psychotic/delusional/suicidal, although that is what I would ideally like, as I dont know how well my psychotherapist understand bipolar.

I only pursued the psychotherapy after the affair exposure...it felt like it was time and also that I am making a commitment to my DH to face up to my issues that have caused this whole mess.

I have thought about this a lot - should I be having abortion counselling as well/instead? Or couples counselling?

Confused. I cant see three different therapists, surely? Feel so fucked up.

You've made mistakes and other people have suffered but so have you. You are sorry and it's now time to say sorry I made a mistake and I regret some of the things I did. You can't change anything now but it is totally pointless spending the rest of your life beating yourself up about past mistakes.

Could you do something positive like volunteer for a charity and then you would actually be doing some good. Not that I think you should feel obliged to do this but it may help you get over your feelings of guilt. And I agree with seeking counselling for the abortion.

I didnt mean that to sound snippy, Cogito. I wasnt paraphrasing you. I was just saying how I feel. That I feel beyond just sucking it up and moving on. If I cOuld do that, I wouldn't be making a tit on myself on MN

Fwiw, I have bipolar disorder, not multiple mental health problems. Its not severe. I have rapid cycling type 2, not classic type 1. I work, I mother my children, I function to a high degree. I am getting the help that is on offer on the NHS. It is difficult, though. For my DH more so than me, I think. Certainly for me it is debilitating. For him, God knows...awful. Poor DH .

Thanks, Vivienne.

I do work in a 'helping' profession and historically that has always helped me keep perspective. It hasnt helped lately though. I have reduced my hours since April, as I felt like I was going to crack up and wasn't giving my best to my clients (essential in my line of work). I will look int abortion counselling, though. I think today has made me realise I must do that.

I'm very worried for your DH - can we talk about him for a bit? I don't want to sound too harsh but I'm worried he's just a innocent bystander in what sounds like a multi-faceted nightmare. He's remarkably loyal, I'll give him that, but does he feel like he has obligations or options?

Hi Op could not read and run, none of us are perfect we all make mistakes at times some big and some small.
You made a mistake which did have implications BUT you need to forgive yourself now.
Of course it will have ripples when a big event happens in our lives but the ripples do get smaller over time particularly when you are both working so hard to make it work.
My Dad had an affair when I was a child and left my Mum for a few years for the other woman.
They eventually got back together and have been very happy for 20 years.
You have been under so much stress, have you seen your Gp recently.
Do you have a best girlfriend you can chat it out with?
Please be nice to yourself x

I can only say what he has told me.

He is hurt, he feels shaken by the affair, and he is worried that I dont love him, that beneath the bipolar fucked up ness, maybe I just dont want to be with him. I am trying with every breath of my body to show him that this isnt true, and am answering any question he has, letting him set the pace for talking things through etc. I do love him very much.

He is, by nature, broad shouldered, a coper. I'm not saying that to take the piss - like he should just suck it up and cope because thats what he always does. Trust me. I know - I absolutely see and feel and understand - how this has shaken him to the core. This is not a little hiccup he can just deal with and move on from. I am trying to say this to HIM, to encourage him to get some support away from our marriage. I am worried for him, too.

Thanks, Norem. I have confided in my two closest friends about the affair, but not the abortion. I am too ashamed. Still got a way to go before I can tell anyone else about that. Thank you.

Stateofaffairs... I'm sorry for your pain. You have a lot to come to terms with and, if you think that you're not getting anything from your counselling session, perhaps you could looking into trying something else. From my experience, counsellors vary tremendously and it also very much depends on their own experiences and bias when dealing with any problems you may have.

I think you must get some help coming to terms with your abortion; it actually doesn't matter that he was a married man, you become pregnant, he was unsupportive and you decided to abort. That is a lot to deal with. Do you have any friends you can this through with?

You've already urged your husband to seek counselling, it's up to him whether he takes that step or not. There's no need to talk about him here if you don't want to. It may be better not to, it's one thing to talk about yourself but he may see discussion of him as a further disloyalty.

Ultimately, this is about you and what you need to do to get yourself through this situation. You're in the unfortunate position of having had an affair and discussion of that is generally taboo, inexplicably moreso than anything else. As Fontella has said, 'what's done is done' and I think her post is hugely helpful. Get support from wherever you can State because you MUST forgive yourself in order to start to repair.

Why did you tell him? You could have avoided much of this if you hadn't.

Thanks LyingWitch - your response is very kind.

Jane - it wasnt planned. The affair was over. But I. was acting out of character, apparently - he asked me outright if there was someone else, and it came tumbling out. It might sound rich after all the deceit of an affair, but when he looked me in the eye and asked, I just couldnt lie again.

I didnt tell him about the abortion. He did some digging a week or so later and found a receipt that he thought was suspicious (Harley St). He asked me, I admitted it.

I dont think any of this would have been avoided by keeping it from him. That I am sure of. It would have just been deferred.