Am I overthinking this?

[QueenFuri]

I'm driving myself mad with maybe irrational jealousy please someone hand me a grip.

I've been with my DP for 10 years and apart from one blip where I was told he was seeing someone else 9 years ago when it turned out he wasn't had no reason to not trust him.

I overheard him talking on the phone to his friends ex gf and I could hear her going on about how much she enjoyed his visits as she is lonely. She was then texting him, I went off on one as 1. DP doesn't spend anytime with me at all he is either at work or out. 2. When I text him its rare he will text me back if I message him say 4 times in a week I'll get 1 reply so I don't bother now. I feel hurt by this I'm not going to lie I literally did not speak to him for 24 hours before he asked if anything was wrong that's when I went off on one. He said I was being stupid as for the texts she only texts to moan about her baby. I said ok I'll forget about it but I can't I don't even want to look at him I feel stupid for feeling like this. Then I picked up his phone and there are no messages from her? He said she had text him but he's deleted them all then? I'm driving myself mad with this and not sure if I can trust him? I don't know how to approach him without looking like a raving jealous lunatic! Or should I leave it?

I'm getting a lot of warning signs here... The deleted texts, lack of attention for you, the fact he's out a lot, he calls you stupid instead of reassuring you. I think you are right to have suspicions tbh, trust your instincts.

Why is he in touch with her? Are they friends too? Do you have children? Why has she chosen him to moan to specifically do you think?

Even if nothing is going on you need to sort your relationship out - he's not showing you much respect by ignoring texts and making little effort.

Is it an iPhone? I think you can search deleted texts somehow. Also try whatsapp, email etc if you do snoop.

Ignoring the texts to this woman why do you spend no time together? If my DP was always out or at work and never replied to any of my messages I'd be pissed off!

Do you live together?

Mmmm I'd react the same tbh. How about suggesting she make a friend of you if she's so lonely. See what his reaction would be to that?

I agree with the pp that he should be reassuring rather than calling you stupid.

No he is best friends with her ex boyfriend, he left her 6 months ago for her best friend. So he only knows her through him. Ive no idea why she is still in touch with him I personally wouldn't want anything to do with my exs friends. Before any of this he said he was going to be doing some work for her at the house she is buying he is a builder but I don't feel comfortable with him being there every weekend.

Yes we have 2 children aged 4 and 7 I know we have issues to resolve but its hard. I know I can be clingy but I don't interact with adults much I have zero friends and spend my days looking after my DC or alone while they are at school/nursery. My evenings usually on here it watching telling, I can get jealous of his social life, he does tell me I can go out when I want but I don't fancy wondering the streets alone! I've went s bit off topic sorry!! I do realise I sound a bit pathetic.

Yes we've been living together 8 years.

You are not pathetic!
Ok, it could be she is clinging onto your DP to feed an obsession with her ex, that's not healthy for her. If he is going to her house to do work I still think there is an opportunity to offer the hand of friendship and go round for a coffee with him. As it is weekend working I assume it's "on the side" (very bad choice of words there!!!!!)
Re getting out more, I know it's hard. I've lost some friends recently due to having a trauma in my life. Can you go to a local gym to interact with others?

You don't sound pathetic but you do need some friends or family to interact with. Do you have any old pals you can get in touch with? Do you like any of your kids' friends' parents, could you invite over during the day or after school? What about family?

Your DH may feel like you are relying only on him for your social life which is quite a big responsibility, moreover you will enjoy life more if you get out there.

Also I would start looking into the contact between your DH and this woman. It doesn't sound great but if it's all innocent and if she's lonely could you not be friends with her?

Do you go out as a family? Do you spend time as a couple? How often is he out? Every night??

We do go out as a family sometimes maybe once every 6 weeks or so. We don't spend much time as a couple he goes out 3/4 times a week to see friends sometimes for an hour or two but he usually is out for the evening.

I don't have much family I see my brother once a week for 20 minutes when he drops my niece off as I look after her. I'm trying to avoid my mother she has mental health issues and I don't want to be around her atm.

I had a few friends I would see and my SIL but they have all drifted away from me. I don't think I'm relaying on him for a social life though he has his I don't have one I've not had a night out from September 2011! I try to make friends and will sometimes chat to mums at school or when DS was younger we went to a toddler group I made a few friends but none of these stick. I don't know why either even my friend who introduced me to DP walks past me in the street they just find new more exciting people!

If DP were including you in messages or you were the one texting her to fix meet ups we'd all be saying how nice and supportive a couple you are.

Solo visits sound like he's getting something out of it rather than him being purely altruistic. If her ex got off with her best friend, in a warped way this female might think there's a fine chance to get even by being extra welcoming to her ex's best mate. And if he enjoys the attention you have a problem.

Who is the lonelier, you or her? Currently for all that you have a DP, there's a lot of time spent apart. This will sound like the opposite of what you should do but it would be healthier to start getting out and about yourself. After all presumably when he's absent you're the one looking after your DCs.

Would you consider part-time work? Start going to see people or take an evening class or join a gym or an activity but don't sit home seething. They're his DCs too. If he is out in the evening or at weekends that is a lot of time apart. If you sideline yourself he will take you for granted.

Keep an eye open, any unexplained absences or delays or a sudden compulsion to have his phone on him at all times might spell trouble.

OP you said she "enjoys his visits." Why is he going round there? Is it all under the guise of doing building work?

I don't like the look of this at all.

Trust your gut.

Ok me again. He has assured me theirs nothing going on and I believe him.

Here is the part I become selfish. I told him how lonely i was feeling and that it would still make me feel uncomfortable him going to visit her, he didn't say much to this.

Tonight we've had a massive argument and I'm made out to be the nasty cow as he was advising her on windows/doors and stuff I don't want him to do the work or visit her. This is all still going to happen as she needs all the help she can get she doesn't have anyone and is lonely. Well I hardly have people lining up the door to be there for me as and honestly get so lonely it hurts he's trying to spend more time with me but he still would rather go to his other friends house's, do his hobby, play his games 4 nights out of 7.

Am I being such a bitch I want him to cut contact with her? I'm am jealous but he should take my feelings into consideration?

So he is putting her needs and feelings above yours.

I would not tolerate this. I would want to be with someone who made me their priority over their mates ex gf. Only you can decide what is or isn't a deal breaker for you.

So, he is visiting her because she's lonely, but has no one, but he won't stay at home with you, although you are also lonely, and have no one to visit?

Have you put it to him like that?

I think if you're sure nothing's happening, you are unreasonable to want him to cut contact. However, you're not unreasonable to point out that he should take your feelings into consideration too, and if he plays games 4 nights out of 7, he should be cutting back on that to help her out, not cut time with you.

Do you get any time out of the house, do an exercise class or something where you get to see other people? If not, that's the imbalance you really need to address - so you both have a more equal spread of the leisure time. Share the childcare and spend time together, and then you each have nights out after that's all covered. It probably won't be 4 nights a week on games.