Fear of getting hurt

[RollerCola]

My marriage ended last summer after 23 yrs together and I've suffered various levels of trauma and guilt since then, all of which I'm gradually working through. Exh was emotionally abusive and I'm still getting used to my happy new life. I try to be amicable for the kids sakes but I still get quite anxious when I see him because of how he used to be.

I've been seeing a lovely guy since Oct. At the time I wasn't at all ready for anything serious. However his friendship and company were infectious and I carried on seeing him each weekend. I didn't tell the children and just enjoyed it for what it was - evenings out, new friends, laughs, nice chats. He's a very nice guy.

I've deliberately taken it very very slowly because we're all adapting to our new life and he's completely fine with that. No pressure, complete understanding, it's all at my pace etc.

So 7 months later, and nearly a year after my break up I do actually feel ready to move forward. The children know about my friend and are interested in meeting him. I'd like to see him a bit more often and he seems very keen to see me more too.

But I'm scared. Scared that once he ventures into 'my world' that things will start to go wrong. My exh changed beyond all recognition while we were together and I'm scared that that happens to everyone. He spent much of his time contacting other women for God knows what and I'm scared that all men do that..

Basically I'm terrified that the same thing will happen again and I'll end up a ruin. How do I deal with that? Should I say something to him before it goes any further or will I just sound like a paranoid, needy wreck?

To be honest I think he guesses at my insecurity because he has said that he'd never let me down. And my instinct is that he wouldn't because he's a very good person. But, well you just can't tell can you?

I want to love and adore him, unconditionally, without worrying about this stuff. How do I let go of all the baggage?

I still want to take it slowly, I can't even think too far ahead as I know I don't want to live with anyone again for a long time let alone anything more. But I'd just like to see him a bit more, and 'let him in'

Nothing in life is guaranteed is it? Stop overthinking and enjoy his company a bit more. Bring him in, if it's not right then he goes. I have let men into mine and my sons life over the years and he's a fantastic 16 year old now.

As for the loving unconditionally.... the only people we love that way are our children. Relationships are give and take, full of compromise but never unconditional.

I wish I had advice to offer but will watch the thread with interest. I'm not as far down the line as you but have started a new relationship which I'm very much enjoying and hoping it lasts.

I wish u well and think its so hard to make yourself vulnerable like that again. It scares me too. But if u don't open up how can u get that love again? Im trying to take the advice of only trying to control the controllable which is advice I've been given. It is helping :)

From what you've said he sounds like a very lovely, thoughtful man.

Thanks, he is very kind and respectful. I'm grateful to him because he's really allowing me to take my time. If he'd been any more full-on I would probably have got too scared and run away. But it's exactly this that makes him so attractive. He's not crude or immature. He seems very caring and thoughtful.

I'm so inexperienced (was with exh since I was 15) that this all seems so strange to me! I'm honestly amazed that a man can be so good. My exh obviously did a good number on me and I can't quite believe that not all men are like he was.

That was then and this is now.

OP the past is a learning thing not a stumbling block, its there to show you what you don't want anymore, if you live in the past then you cant go forward.

My marriage ended at a very similar time to yours, Roller. My x also did a good number on me after 14 years. I am the sort of seemingly 'strong' and capable person who 'manages' and 'gets through' stuff. I have been going to counselling and only just getting through the euphoria of having him out of the house, and starting to acknowledge / get in touch with the feelings of pain he has caused. It's a very slow process for me. I am still working on reacting to him in a different way (we have 2 dd so there are handovers etc). You have already let him 'in' on some level. I like the line about controlling 'the controllable' remember you can keep controlling the pace of this. No advice here I would be petrified!! If he is really willing to wait then he'll do just that.

It's true about not living in the past. I need to separate the past and put it in a box, but it's difficult not to let past experiences colour how I feel in the future. To some extent I do need to draw on them to protect myself.

I also like the 'only control the controllable' saying. Makes sense.

The thing is, if he turns out to be no good, you will sack him off. You will see it and you will deal with it.

We all live and we learn as we live, and we take what we have learned and use it for the future. It's a shame that older wiser people are not listened to more!

Firstly, am so pleased you have met such a decent sounding guy (I remember your thread).

Secondly, I have no advice but I can relate totally. I'm a year on too. I haven't met anyone or even started dating but I am thinking a lot about how it would be to be with somebody else. Even the thought makes me scared if being treated the same/feeling the same. To make it worse my ex got nasty when we split and said nasty things about my ability in the bedroom!!! The logical side of me knows it was pure nastiness and not true BUT I feel like I have a block on the idea of meeting someone else now.

I agree with the other posters advice- you can't live in the past but I do really understand how you must feel. You should be proudof yourself for coming this far.

Thanks mamma, I've gone through a full spectrum of emotions since then but I do feel strong. I'm surprised that I got involved with someone else so soon to be honest. I thought I wouldn't have wanted to meet anyone for a very long time. I'm not really sure how it happened.

I still feel like I need time to heal, but my friend seems to understand this somehow and has been respectfully keeping his distance while I get my head together. He checks in on me most days and once a week we have a fun night out or just watch films and stuff. It's great, he really makes me smile.

That's fantastic. He sounds lovely. I think taking it slowly is the key.