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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

being thankful for a good relationship, and finally understanding what is important to me

11 replies

Aoifebelle · 23/05/2014 22:30

These pages are so full of angst and heart break and justified anger. Ghaving a destructive relationship seems so common, and having a healthy one illusive and hard to come by. Life has been tough for me and dp the last few years, been trying for a baby, multiple miscarriages, job losses. Not awful, but tough. Somehow we are closer. Been reflecting on how this is. I am thinking now that kindness is so important. I can be unkind, a judgemental cow at times. But Dp is a sensitive soul. A thoughtless act of unkindness to him is much more hurtful than it would ever be to me. As a result I have learned to be a kinder person. This has made me more open and vulnerable than I have ever been, because I know that no matter how batshit mental I can be, I will always be met with unconditional kindness. I am gradually learning how to do this in return.

He has not a penny to his name,shit with money, can't change a plug, a stone or two over healthy weight, starts shit he never finishes and fucking annoyingly chirpy of a morning. Lots of stuff that would have some sections of mumsnet scream dump the bastard. But for me, I think I may finally have gotten it right. What about you ladies? What is it that one thing that let's you know you are onto a winner? What are the green flags?

OP posts:
jogonby · 23/05/2014 23:05

I had a loveless marriage that lasted many years, it contained everything i now dont have (some good, some bad). A year ago i met a man who i can put my hand on my heart and say is my soulmate (i almost puked typing that!).
He loves, supports, doesnt even question what ive done or why, he just accepts it was for the best intentions and thats good enough for him. He is strong enough to say no-i dont agree with us doing that, so think again. He is stubborn-but that makes life easier! i know know-theres just no point trying to persuade him he'll never budge, but that takes the pressure off. I could also batter him for being so stubborn! Hes a good guy.

Aoifebelle · 23/05/2014 23:14

So two green flags, kindness and acceptance. Any more?

OP posts:
Pinklaydee1302 · 23/05/2014 23:14

Well I finally understood I'd met my soul mate but was too late I'd scared off a man who really loved me n wanted to be with me because was insecure Hmm

Sorry maybe for another thread but happy for you guys Smile

Auriga · 23/05/2014 23:15

Spent two days last week listening to (different) friends talking about their awful marriages. Made me think a lot about how lucky DD and I are. He is utterly devoted to us, interested in whatever matters to us, always ready to do anything he can to help and support us.

My DF had excellent qualities but nobody could claim that being a good father was one of them. I want DD to know, and I do tell her, what a good father she has. But she doesn't need me to say anything because she adores and appreciates him already.

venusandmars · 23/05/2014 23:24

After being in abusive marriage with a handsome, high-earning, charming man, then a steamy relationship with a man who made me weak at the knees, but who was so financially inept that I could not risk a long term commitment with him, I finally met a man who is just so rock-steady solid, dependable, honest and good.

He is not drop-dead gorgeous, he is not in a high-power job, he is not exactly Mr Personality, but he is 100% loyal, he trusts me 100% (I trust him 100%), we share the same quirky sense of humour, we have the most equal relationship I have ever had. I imagine that we will happily grow old together Smile

Aoifebelle · 23/05/2014 23:44

So we have kindness, acceptance, complete trust & honesty

OP posts:
Pugaboo · 24/05/2014 03:53

My DH is so supportive, emotionally and practically. He's a brilliant dad too - patient, loving, thoughtful with our son. He's incredibly considered and intelligent too.

He lacks self esteem and can be taciturn and negative, he's not perfect - but I'm lucky to have him.

LIttleMissTickles · 24/05/2014 04:22

My DH sees the very best in me, always. And it still surprises me! After 18 years he KNOWS what a cow I can be, but he still thinks the world of me as a mum, wife, interesting person. The other thing that makes me very happy, is that I know for sure that he loves spending time with me (and DC). Even boring stuff like grocery shopping, he loves being together.

Meerka · 24/05/2014 12:31

willingness to work at the relationship.

dependability in times of need.

A certain quirkiness of outlook, something a bit different and sparky

something2say · 24/05/2014 16:11

My partner is loving. He clings to me at night. He strokes my face with one finger. He is very capable and hugely successful with very high standards. He loves keeping in touch with me and is like my best friend, he is also quite funny. There never any question of whether he is committed or anything like that. He's just basically a well brought up northern lad who came south and made good. And his friends are also very nice to me, I was ill yesterday and his friend bought me stuff from the shop!

LuluJakey1 · 25/05/2014 00:13

something2say Yes that is my DH, basically a very well brought up northern lad. Kind, thoughtful, funny, loving. Not amazingly good looking , certainly not stylish, never mean. Very supportive. We talk about everything and anything. Could lose a bit of weight. Untidy, quirky, intelligent. Completely decent person with integrity. Very affectionate.
Not George Clooney but if I had a choice I would pick DH.

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