Going NC alone

[Newnameforthis3]

Hello,

Regular poster but name changed for this post.

I'm trying to go NC with a family member, but am finding it difficult being the only member of my immediate family to do so.

I have an uncle who has hurt my feelings so many times that I just don't feel I can continue a relationship with him. He didn't marry and has no family of his own, which may explain why he is so over involved with my DGM, and downright jealous of her closeness to others at times. E.g. he gets very upset when grandchildren do the gardening for my DGM. A huge fallout can follow because he feels it is his job, even if he has been so busy at work that he hasn't been able to do the garden for weeks.

Anyway I digress, a couple of weeks ago he flew in to a full blown rage at me for something really petty. My DGM was asking him to stop moving the things she had on her table, he ignored her so I just said 'it's fine, there's enough room there now'. It was terrible. I was so scared. I feel I can't stay with my DGM any more as I am just too scared of him turning up.

I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and a few months ago when I was explaining my symptoms/ anxieties he ridiculed me, then grasped my wrist tightly, and leant in to my face shouting 'how can I hurt you? You aren't going to die from touching people!'

My immediate family have all agreed that his behaviour is unacceptable, but it is always forgiven and forgotten. They maintain regular contact with him, especially my Mum who is his sister.

How can I cope with this situation? I really can't put up an act as if everything is all fine anymore. I live with my parents and he comes to stay fairly often, so I don't even feel like my home is my sanctuary from it all. I've just overheard my Mum on the phone to him and get the impression he will be over to stay soon, how can I deal with this?

Thanks for reading through

How old are you OP?

I'm 23 cog

Unfortunately, if it's not your house and if your parents don't share your aversion to this uncle, you are going to find yourself in contact. Long-term I'd strongly recommend you treat this as a motivation to get your own place where you can set your own standards for who walks over the threshold. Short-term, you'll have to find ways to stand up to the guy, refuse to be intimidated and counteract his bullying rather than thinking you can avoid him. e.g. If he flies into a 'full blown rage'... fly right back at him.

I agree with cog.

I think that developing your own life, aside from the family, will also help, at your age it is time to fly the nest. The importance of the family will recede and reduce compared to other things you do. This is appropriate.

Thank you both for your replies.

I agree that ordinarily now would be a good time to find my own place, but my OCD is severe and at the moment I think if I lived alone I would just totally isolate myself and not allow anyone to visit. I am having therapy now so hopefully that will change in time, but am potentially looking at another 12 months before my therapy is completed. Also, because I am so so ill I am unable to work, paying rent would be impossible. At the moment, that is.

I will have to try to find ways to be strong when this happens. Not easy though - my normal reaction is to burst in to tears! I read somewhere that pinching yourself can snap you out of the tears, hasn't worked for me though.

Oops, only meant to but one 'so' there.

Facing down a bully is very daunting and stressful, no matter who you are. It could be something to talk to your therapist about. I don't what techniques you're exploring to combat your OCD symptoms but if they include constructive ways to face fears rather than running or crying, this would probably be a good example. Good luck

That's a good idea. I'm doing cognitive behaviour therapy so will ask if we can touch on how to deal with things like this next time I see her. Thank you Cog

I think you risk isolating yourself further if you attempt to go nc in your parents house. It won't come across as 'non contact' more ignorance.
I would instead draw attention to his rudeness when he does it eg ' do you mean to be so rude' and avoid unnecessary contact.
If all else fails I would look to move out.

Wanna that too is a good idea - I like the idea of having that phrase in my mind ready to go. I tend to get flustered in confrontations and come up with 101 things I should have said after it's happened.

Yes moving out is definitely the best long term solution. I'm so desperate to get in to the world and back to work so hopefully it's a realistic goal. Thank you for your reply.