How to stop hating someone?

[HateFuelledHangover]

Apologies if this is in the wrong place, I've not posted on this board before.

This problem concerns an ex-friend of mine. She treated me very badly when we were 'friends' but for multiple reasons, I never said anything and put up with it for many years. Then there was a straw and camel situation and I stopped speaking to her and removed her from fb etc. Initially I felt much better not having her in my life (she would constantly put me down and was extremely competitive).

But for some reason I can't let go of this red hot anger and hatred I feel for her. There will be something that reminds me of her and I experience physical symptoms associated with my strong feelings and burn with rage. I hate the thought of anything nice happening to her and at times actively wish bad things to happen to her (nothing drastic - just small things like hoping it rains on her birthday etc). I wince at the unfairness of it in that she has a large group of friends despite being quite an unkind person and generally has quite a nice life despite, IMO, being totally undeserving.

I hate feeling this way and wish I could just let it go. I try and remind myself of the saying, 'hating someone is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies' but it doesn't help. Intellectually I know I'm just damaging myself but emotionally I can't let go. What can I do to stop feeling this way?

You need to talk to someone about it - a trusted friend, a counsellor, perhaps even the person themselves. You need to make her not matter to you. Writing a letter to her might help - you don't have to post it.

What do you do in your spare time?

Oh hang I totally get you. You get walked on and the are nasty and yet so popular.

All I can say that helps is time. Time and more time.

You can't compare your life or happiness to anyone else's. I had to distance myself from a 'friend' who put me down and put me down. In the long run it was draining as she kept coming back but I'm happier now. Less friends but better quality is what you need

Look after yourself .. It's normal how you are feeling

Witch, I've seriously thought about getting professional help but what stops me is it all sounds so pathetic .

Not, this is the thing, I'm actually stupidly busy at the moment and things are going well in general. I have hobbies etc. I don't think I obsess over this woman, it's just when I am reminded of her. Whenever I experience a blip, my first thought is how smug she'd be to know about it and thinking bad things don't happen to her.

little, thank you. It helps to know that someone has experienced this and managed to move past it. I think a lot of it is to do with unresolved anger towards her - I'm sometimes cross with myself for not 'having it out' with her when I had the opportunity. I should have told her how horribly she'd treated me all that time. It's been over a year now and I still feel this way but there have been some 'incidents' along the way to stole the fire, for example I found out fairly recently that she'd been spreading false rumours about me.

How long has it been since you stopped speaking and blocked her? Give all your pent-up pissed-offness a chance to come out. You put up with her for years, so it might take time. Draw some scrappy pissed-off cartoons about her. Really. Always helps me a lot when I'm angry. Draw one about her birthday being ruined.

If you do any physical exercise, think of her while doing it. The physical symptoms of your emotions will be released, instead of making you tense.

If you still see her, start to see the humour in situations.

Sorry, x-post.

I've learned from these boards that having it out with these people can backfire, or just not bother them at all. I'm sorry to hear the way she treated you.

Don't get cross with yourself, though. Be grateful to yourself for walking away. I'm glad you have.

I think time does usually help but maybe try and put a different mental twist on things. Ask yourself what you learnt from the situation and in what way had it made you stronger.

It's been just over a year since I stopped speaking to her. I did remove her from Facebook but didn't actually block her (because I didn't want her to know I was that bothered) and I have taken to checking her profile now and then. It's like I want some sort of evidence that things aren't going so well for her but I inevitably feel worse. She's lost a lot of weight recently and I was annoyed by that .

I like the idea of drawing cartoons! And also the exercise thing makes a lot of sense too especially as I fantasise about seeing her out and me looking a million dollars as she was always quite critical of my appearance. I've put a lot of weight on since then though so there's no chance of that happening.

There is someone I detest. And have done so for years.
Make yourself laugh about it. It will give you distance.

Create a list of people you are going to bite when you get rabies. You are only allowed ten people, and in practice 3 to five before the men in white coats get you. She's obviously on it. But is she the top at the moment? Maybe not. And if she is now, perhaps she won't be soon. You need to refresh the list regularly.

Hth

It's not pathetic at all to seek help in this circumstance. 'Issues' are rarely about the thing that triggered these feelings.

You're actually angry at yourself rather than your friend (for getting into the situation and for not getting out sooner). Talking to someone will help you understand your actions (or inactions!) a little better, and that in turn will give you the reassurance that you could make different choices in the future.

You're shaken up. Be kind to yourself and take this opportunity to understand yourself a bit better. x

I can sympathise. I had a 'friend' like this. I was basically there for her to feel better about herself because she was putting me down. She was also extremely competitive for no reason at all. I think she perceived me as a threat although I never felt that I was particularly.

I met someone who told me to cut out all the dead wood from my life, and I did - including her, but lots of other people too. It was really refreshing, and it opened the doors to meeting loads of new friends. This was about 17 years ago, and I have to admit, even though I have moved on, and have a fabulous life, I still have a lot of bitterness towards my ex friend and how she treated me. I suspect it is more anger at myself in allowing her to treat me that way.

Strangely, I had a colleague at work who acted the same way as this ex-friend. All smiles on the face of it, but would stab you in the back when she had a chance, and was ultra competitive. She would speak in a tiny little girl voice, all wide eyed innocence, whilst she was plunging the knife. I think a lot of her jealousy was directed towards me when I was pregnant and when my DC were young, because she wasn't able to have children. Terribly Sad, But Not My Problem. I hated her.

Strangely, but perhaps unsurprisingly, it turns out that both these women are best friends.

I wish I could offer advice on how to move on. I can't really - I still dislike them both.

Sorry no good advice just empathy with your situation.

I too have been constantly on the receiving end of a so called friends put downs and nasty comments for about 4 years.
I stopped contact at the start of this year and it's been great not having to put up with her moods, competitive parenting and general put downs at all times.

However I have found out that she is complaining to people that I have been rude to her friends (when? ) and she is waiting for me to apologise to her. Haha that's not ever going to happen.

Try not to think about her OP she is not worth it.

Whothewhat makes a lot of sense. It's not healthy to hold onto such negative feelings towards a person like that. Talk to a counsellor to help you understand what's happened but you need to let it go in order to move on. Easy said, I know. I've been troubled with unresolved feelings relating to ex best friend since we fell out in spectacular fashion 4 years ago. Slowly I've been letting it go. Time spent thinking about it now is just a waste of time, it won't change what happened in the past & is just stealing the pleasure out today. Your friend & all the other wagons are probably deeply troubled & unhappy themselves

Thank you everyone . I was slightly worried I'd be flamed for this but it's reassuring to know that these feelings are 'normal'. Ancient, that made me . I've also drew a picture which did help .

In an ideal world I wouldn't have any reminders of her and then I think I could start letting go, but in reality I am reminded of her by people who tell me things and I actively look for it too (on fb) which I really need to stop doing.

How would I go about seeking help for this? I'm guessing some kind of talking therapy or something else? I've not got on terribly well with counselling before and if truth be told, I've got a lot of issues about a lot of things (I'm making myself sound fabulous right now aren't I?) and I'm almost scared to open that can of worms because I'm just about functioning whilst I've buried them as deep as possible.

I don't know if it helps but I love thinking up means of taking revenge, though I have never actually taken revenge on anyone in real life.

Hi HateFuel,
Imho, the holy grail here would be a state of complete indifference towards the rude one. That is also known as emotional detachment. Although you have distanced yourself from her, (and well done on that!), the hate that you feel for her is evidence that you are still connected to her. Hate is a connection.

Go ahead and block her on fb (fb autocorrected to f-bomb, lol) now. Do not be concerned with how she might react. Her reaction is her choice, something you can not control. If/when others come to you with the tittle-tattle of what she said, just tell them you do not want to hear it. Do not allow them to continue to feed this drama dynamic. Get up and walk away if they do not respect your boundary. They may turn out to be not such good friends either-dump them too if you have to. Do not ever say anything negative about her, no matter how much they may bait/beg you to.

Imho, your anger is born of frustration that you did not defend yourself in the moment (and I have been there!). Disconnecting is the defense now. Do not say anything, because it will just be a pissing match and not end well. Keep your dignity. It might help to journal the rude incidents and what responses she deserves-raw tactless truths (what journals are for). This may help process the events, get closure so to speak...become a working script if she ever crosses you again.

Ancient, Create a list of people you are going to bite when you get rabies. My dh had a version of this with "who would he kill if he got incurable cancer". And he is the most kind respectful man I ever met.

And.....learn to stand up for yourself more at the time.

I went thro this sort of thing and began to feel bad that I always sort of let it go at the time and then seethed later. So I learned to stand up and say something at the time. I was at a New Year's Eve party, my friends friend said something about her saying I was a complete nightmare....to my actual face...them later my actual friend said something horrible about me in front of everyone.....I took her in the kitchen in front of everyone and said something back.

Then I no contacted until her birthday in early march.
Then I said no I wasn't coming to her invite because I didn't think she genuinely liked me and she did that thing at new year. And that I was never coming round again either. But it felt great to stand up for myself, even tho I lost a friend, and then I realised I had felt nervous of going round there for a while anyway and life was actually a relief not to have to do it anymore.

X. Some friends are mean and they put people down to feel better. Leave them behind.

The rabies list isn't mine. Was taught it ages ago. But boy, is it helpful in stressful situations.

OP, it is hard and understandbly you are angry. But, I would look at it in the way you have been very graceful. I mean, if a small child came up to you and said some silly stuff, you would not argue back, more talk to them like a child. I think the fact that you stopped contact with her, gives you the upper hand.

I asked someone I know who seems to have no hatred at all for anyone. He has done the AA 12 steps and seems to have a very different view on the world.

Me: I hate {insert name of person here} and I dont want to keep hating them but I dont know how to do this.

Him: Pray for her.
Me: What? Pray for her? I am not religous and neither are you... why would I pray for her?
Him: because it will make you feel better. Wish her good things, everytime you catch youself thinking about her, wish her all the things that she would want for herself, keep doing it. The hate will dissipate.

Me: hmmm, not sure this will work.

But though gritted teeth initially and now with a smile, I change my thoughts to speaking good wishes out loud to her (them!) when I am driving along in my car. And it works. I don't feel so angry, I am not feeling anxious or sick and although I am not wanting to be friends again, it feels like a release, a let go of the stuff that was eating me up. It takes effort and initally the good words were said with such venom I could barely get them out but gradually, it has softened and I feel so much more benign and just, not bothered.

I feel the same towards partners ex. She really kicked off when I fell pregnant with our son and made out pregnancy hell. Suffered anxiety afterwards and only the past year have I made progress (sons 3 and a half now ). I've just firstly tried to put myself in her position and how I would have felt about an ex of mine ,the father to my children ,going on to have more kids when I wasn't over him properly and also having another woman in my kids life. I would've dealt with it better though but the emotions would've been the same no doubt. Secondly ,I realized that it was never personal to me ,it was the situation as a whole. She would've done the same to any other woman ,and her hatred towards me was never personal as she never knew me that well. Thirdly I just grew to laugh at her. That helped actually ease the tension between us and can actually say hi to eachother Down the street. I don't mean laugh at her misfortunes etc... I mean whenever she has one of her moments and wants to cause an argument I don't get the anxiety I just laugh to myself ; she'll forget all about it tomorrow !!

Well, you've got a big storehouse of anger that piled up over all those years. Perhaps let it out (eg rabies fantasy), give it a good airing, let yourself hate her with Full Hatred for a period of time. Perhaps it's the trying to block it out that is giving you jip, not the actual hatred itself. What you describe sounds like a rumbling volcano, reading to burst. imo that much hatred indicates how much she hurt you.

I do think this is precisely the sort of thing one would see a counsellor about. I haven't had the best time with counsellors, either, but it's worth plugging on. Perhaps have a look at the BACP website to see the type of therapy on offer. It could be that you have a lot of residual anger from other things and she has become the conduit? Then again, it could not. I once went on a week's residential therapy course and in one of the (daily) sessions we each had a go at bashing the shit out of a cushion with a baseball bat. The cushion represented the person we were going to be dealing with that day. I cannot TELL you have cathartic it was to scream with rage at the wrongdoer/cushion and beat it to death.

I don't see my sister because she is evil. Yes, I hate her but I work on not hating her, balancing out the need to sometimes vent the hatred and the need to rein it in so I'm not drinking too much poison. And I pray for her. Someone that sick needs praying for, frankly. Your ex-friend is a weak sort to have to do all that, remember.

There is no such thing as "normal" or not normal. I wish people would stop doing this comparing thing. What I do is this. We all have a gut instinct, and we have to learn to grow for ourselves in our own ways. If some friends are bad for us, then we have to leave them behind. We can learn to adapt towards them, or other times, we cannot cos they do drain us.

I have left friends behind too. I also realised that I used to feel jealously between when two friends are close. But then I came to realise that (and through research on my own) that these two friends are close is because they have the same personalities. Whereas myself and this girl do not. So I would hope to treat others like they would treat me too. I just let her go.

I am annoyed with her the most because I gave her my heart. When I was stuck in the middle between her and other friends of mine. I chose her over others. This hurt me the most. Cos I knew the others from uni days and they mean a lot to me. I gave her my loyalty only realised that I was betrayed later on. I cut her out asap. I also realised that because of what happened, the course and the direction of my life changed.

Sometimes we have to learn to realise why we have to let certain things go, and it is okay to learn to let things go.

The last straw was when I have spent money to go and see her and watch her complain to me. Or that she made me choose between myself and my sister. Which was absolutely ridiculous. She can guilt trip me and manipulate me so much that it is SO unreal. So I have to let her go.

To be honest, it is okay to be jealous, but you got to remind yourself whether the jealousy also means that you want friends of your own. If so, then find like-minded friends. It is not the end of the world, and it is okay to leave friendships behind too.