Anyone in a long-distance relationship? How long for?

[wishesandchaos]

Hi all,

Don't really have anyone in RL to talk to about this. Been in a relationship since 2008 and we are still living separately. He is here on weekends but during the week it's just me and my ds.

Recently I've been finding it really difficult, particularly as we (me and ds) are soon moving to a slightly bigger house and I was hoping that after years of being apart that dp might show some signs of pro-actively moving in but nothing. He says he wants to but there is always a 'but' and it's been so long I've started wondering if I'll be waiting forever?

Sorry to moan at you all, just a bit lost really.

A very difficult one this OP. You're asking him a lot here. You're asking him to give up the life he knows. A friend of mine has been seeing someone for 8 years and they live 250 miles apart. He won't move and has asked her countless times to go there, she has no intentions really, same as your guy she always has a "but". I feel you need to seriously think about whether to continue this relationship. It's absolutely fine if you both like it that way, it seems though that "you" don't.

Long distance relationships are hard. If anyway I knew was considering one - id say don't. Whilst they may wok for some I think for others they can lead to problems.

Was it always a LDR? I ask because if you only see each other at weekends it's not much of a relationship in terms of normally day-to-day life. It's kind of the excitement minus the commitment in a way.

Why does he not want to move?

You've been together 6 years and this is how it still is...

It's always been like this since the beginning. He has a dd and they live with dp's mum (dd's mum not around). I was planning on moving to be closer to him but even the. He was thinking is move to a place by myself to start and then he'd join with his dd. I then found a fab job, very understanding of family commitments and work/life balance so now can't move to him.

I'm not sure what to do, I love him so so much but I'm going mad lonely in the week and think I'm starting resent the fact that we are still apart.

Is ds his?

LDR are very hard, and its certainly easier if there's an end to it. Do you live apart for work reasons or friends and family reasons? Ie, neither of you want to up sticks and move?

You've been happy for years, so what's changed? And why can't you discuss in rl with friends and family? Because I would have thought you've been together so long its a normal conversation - unless everyone thinks you're happy with it. You have been, and tbh, it sounds quite nice to me.

Just seen your post. It sounds like you need to get busy during the week and not live for weekends. Does he stay home and wish you were together or is he out and about?

If he moved in with you, its a big step and he might want to build a new life, making friends etc, and be surprised you expect him there for company.

I don't mean you don't do things, I just mean that having been like this for so long, I don't see why suddenly you want him there. Is your ds older now and less full on time consuming, so you've suddenly realised you would like a more committed relationship?

What sort of distance are we talking here?

Sounds like he's dangled a carrot for a very long time (as has my friend). If it was going to happen it would have happened by now. My advice would be to let him go. He should have done this and not kept you there.

Is he with you every weekend? What does his DD do at weekends, is she with you or does he leave her with his parents?

All sounds as though he wants his cake etc .............

Ds is not his. We speak daily on Skype before bed. Neither of us goes out during the week (I don't have childcare and ds is only 8) I work during the week as does he.

It's not a recent thing that I want him to move in, I've suggested it for years and he's always said he wants to.

I'm not sure how to figure out what he really wants, that's what I need. Surely if he wants it he'll move? I know it's a big step but i would (and was willing before I got my job) have done it to move to him.

Hey, hard it is. My mind says you need to cut the relationship if you want more, but neither one of you is prepared to truly sacrifice, which of course can also lead to resentment. Your heart of course tells you something else. Thing is whichever way you turn it is a sacrifice.

I am in LDR. We love each other, that is very clear, but the problem is more to do with uncertainty of future owing to previous relationships (ie divorces) that have not turned out to be the 'forever' that one was hoping for, this is transferred into the newer relationship, and because of the distance stays ever present.

The hope of the 'traditional' family unit is gone, but we have to understand that there are many 'normals'.

For now, my doh and I have our own businesses that require us to live in separate locations, we have children at primary school, his he cares for on a 50;50 split with his ex, and therefore him moving is not an option either, just for now. Ultimately we don't know how our relationship will develop, but we do talk of future, we make holiday plans, we talk about when retire, we talk long term, and really short term, never mid-term, because mid-term is not achievable right now.

So for the moment, we skype EVERY night, we are the last person we speak to, and we remind each other that we love each, and RESPECT each other every day...when that stops it will be time to re-evaluate the relationship, until that time...(It's hard somedays though - that unfortunately is just life regardless of LDR or not)

When I was in my mid-twenties I was in a long distance relationship for 2.5 years. It was only 80 miles, but neither of us drove and it used to take hours chopping and changing on trains. We took it in turns travelling to see each other for 1 or 2 nights a week.

His city (in my opinion) was a godforsaken characterless boring place with property prices far higher than in my city - there was no way I was going to move there. He was living at with his mother and had a job he hated. I landed a great secure job and bought my own house and imagined that he would relocate in time.

At first we were besotted with one another. However, as time progressed, I didn't feel the relationship really progressed. It was all lovely and romantic when we were together, but during the week we led separate lives and it didn't feel like we were a team. As odd as it might sound, I missed having someone to do all the "normal" stuff with, like going to the supermarket - I wanted a partner, not a boyfriend.

Ultimately the relationship ended because it was clear he was never going to leave the only place he'd ever known. It frustrated me that he wasn't willing to broaden his horizons and when I tried to envisage a future with him, all I foresaw limbo. I knew that even if I'd moved to be with him, he was so stuck in his ways that being with him every day would stifle me. Not once have I regretted walking away .

Funnily enough I have been in one since 2008 also. I also live alone with DS.

Ours was country/flight away apart from the last 6 months. It is now an hours drive and we see each other at weekends.

He wanted to live/work in London which is my idea of hell.

It works well for us but I a happy living without him. You are not as much so. That is the difference.

I was in a LDR for two years before I married my STBXH. He was 250 miles away and we saw eachother approx every other weekend. We did plan for the future though and knew one of us would move to be with the other eventually. We also spoke all the time and really felt like a "team" made joint financial decisions etc and always spent our weeks off together.

I think there is a world of difference between a LDR with commitment and a LDR without it.

I was in a long distance relationship with a bloke I fell in instantaneous lust with. I was on a business trip and he walked into this pub/hotel I was staying in, in his scruffs (builder) with his workmates and it hit me like a freight train.

Never been so instantly attracted to someone in my life. I was with a male business colleague having dinner and I soon got shot of him haha and manoeuvred myself into meeting the gorgeous builder bloke and yep. copping off with him that night. It was like a vixen hunting down her prey! Never done anything like it before, or since but the moment I clapped eyes on him it was like being hit by lightning

Luckily we were both single, although he too was in that town working away from home, and his actual home town was about 300 miles from me - we exchanged numbers etc. and that was the start of a year long relationship.

A hell of a lot of driving was involved on my part. Because he worked all over the country (skilled specialist building work) he got taken back to his hometown each weekend in the works van along with his work colleagues who all came from the same area. So I would go and visit him. He did occasionally come to mine but it was rare.

Eventually we couldn't sustain the relationship. It was just too much of a slog for me I'm sorry to say, and I wasn't in a position to move and neither was he. We didn't end it as such, it just sort of fizzled out, visits less frequent, calls less frequent, texts less frequent ... until they stopped altogether.

I've had relationships since .. but have been on my own for 7 years now. I don't look back fondly on any of my exes, apart from him. I do often wonder 'what if'. He was drop dead gorgeous as well. But one of those incredibly rare things - a bloke who just wasn't aware of how good looking he was. Sigh. To be honest I wouldn't be at all surprised if he was still single. He seemed perfectly happy being single (was 41 when I met him and had never married) and if I hadn't gone after him like a rat up a drainpipe he would never have chatted me up.

If he says he wants to but does bugger all about it, I'd say he doesn't really want to. He is pacifying you, and tbh, you've been ok with it.

Now- you want more. That's fine. So bring it up again but be prepared for him not to want to. Can he have a couple of weeks at yours anyway? Because living with him might not actually be the romantic fairytale:) and you might wish him back on Skype as heartily as you wish him with you now.

I was in this situation for eight years. I called it a day last autumn. He had his kids 50% of the time, and his ex lived round the corner so he couldn't move, and I have DD who sees her dad twice a week. It would have been easier for me to move, but he avoided the issue, and raved to anyone who would listen about how it was the "perfect relationship" because we got to just do the fun weekend dating (usually child free) and not argue about the bins etc.

I started a few threads very much like yours, and it took me nearly two years to decide that it wasn't going anywhere. When I finally told him, he started making all sorts of promises - even proposed! It was too late by then because I know it's not really what he wanted and he was just trying to salvage it rather than be single.

Your DP probably likes the set up he's got. There's nothing wrong with that as long as he's being honest, and as long as you are happy with it too. If you're not then you need to get out, but if you're anything like me it'll take a good few months years to actually do anything about it!