Do I really want to get married anyway?

[kirsten123]

Hi all,

I have a separate thread about splitting up with my fiancé ("a bit like Caroline Wozniaki") but I was having a chat with a colleague today who has just split from her husband of 28 years and it got me thinking. (I think he cheated from what she said). She told me she would NEVER live with someone again.

BTW: I moved to London from Edinburgh to get married but he said he'd changed his mind! Now stuck here renting a room til my current contract ends and I decide what to do! Really want to go back to my own flat when I can get tenants out! But would have to look for work again up there.

A number of questions really:
*- how important is your independence?

• how can you be sure that your husband/partner won't have a midlife crisis, cheat on you, do "the script" etc. It seems so common?!
• is it possible to have a LTR without living together (if no kids)? *

I'm really grateful in advance - loving reading the forum although I'm not confident enough to give advice to anyone else yet!!!!! Glad to know I'm not the only one who dated a narcissist!

All I can tell you is that my mum and dad have been happily married for nearly 40 years, I on the other hand would never live with another man again if I split with my husband.

Don't give up your independence, its who you are.
No one can ever be 100% sure that their other half won't cheat etc unless they can see the future.

You've just got to decide whether to take a chance and hopefully find a decent one.

I think it's understandable that you're feeling very vulnerable right now. And no, there is no need for anyone to get married, but you would never do anything in life if you thought 'well this might go wrong'. You pick the best bet for your happiness based on experience and gut feeling and then you do what you think is right. That's whether you marry or not, have a relationship or not.

I don't think marriage is incompatible with independence, it depends what you mean. Parenthood is a much greater constraint than marriage - as it should be.

I don't think I would live with someone again if anything happened between me and DH. I prefer living alone and always have done.

Lots of people on MN have long term relationships without cohabiting. Esp when they've already done the children thing and have got used to their own company. Why not I say.

Sorry to hear of your current situation OP. I think it's a good idea to hold back on any long-term commitment until you've had time to adjust. Lots of women lurch from one relationship breakdown straight into a new one, and it ends up in a vicious cycle. It's good for people to spend time on their own without being in any kind of relationship, especially after coming out of a long term one.

I am married now but I never wanted 'to be married one day' before I met DH. I'm a very independent person and was living on my own for 13 years before we got married, and we had a LTR for 5 years before we got married and moved in. I was happily single for years before I met him.

I think it's relatively unusual to have LTRs without cohabiting amongst my friends, if only for financial reasons and because most women do want to have dc with a new partner.

I've found it difficult to adjust to living with another adult, and I'd be happier with more space between us tbh. I like my alone time! But DH is a lovely, supportive partner and it feels good to be in a partnership with him, so overall it has been good to be living together.

Nobody can be sure that their DHs won't cheat/leave them. I have to admit that I feel quite emotionless at the idea, I wouldn't be happy about it of course but it wouldn't devastate me. I suppose it is because I lived on my own for so long, and have dealt with lots of other challenging circumstances in my life, that I know I could deal with it. I haven't invested everything in DH or family life. I think it affects women more when they lose their independence and sense of themselves, so once their partners leave there is not much left for them.

I've been married 14 years and if dh and I were to divorce I would not live with anyone again either. I think he would because I've been a treat but even though most of our marriage has been good, I've absolutely no desire to do it ever again.

I have been married, now happily single. If I did ever have a man around I would not own property jointly with him. Then, when it finished (as it surely would because although I would be faithful I am not a "keeper") we would not have the difficulties of dividing assets.

What I see is mine, to be left to my children when I die.

I have lots of interests and am free to pursue them. I would never again allow myself to invest in any sense in a relationship, the ending of which could cause financial and emotional ruin.

(I am beyond having any more children though and that may be an issue for you OP)

I have been married and also now happily single. Like the PP, I'm at a stage of life where I'm not having any more children. Plus I've got some significant assets that I'm in no rush to put at risk. My independence and DS's happiness are very important to me, so much so that all relationships I've had since have been conducted on a 'non-cohabiting basis'. I may relent one day but, right now, I quite enjoy seeing people that fit into my life rather than making big compromises for them. Probably makes me quite selfish.... .... :)

A good few years before my marriage hit the skids I knew that if we were to divorce I'd never marry again and would not want to co-habit either - whether that was the very early stages of a dying relationship I don't know, but I haven't changed my mind on marriage. Like Cogito I'm at a stage of life where marriage doesn't mean anything to me, I don't 'need' it to raise children, 'complete me' or protect myself financially - in fact I need to protect myself financially by staying single or having a non-cohabiting relationship. Yep, I'm selfish and thank goodness for that

Maintaining your independence in a relationship is always important so you are not screwed if if goes pear shaped.

You can't be sure they won't cheat when the relationship settles into a normal routine orsomething large affects it.

DP and I were in a LDR for 6 years. A different country requiring flights to see each other. We are now both in England but he lives and works in London which I couldn't stand. It seems to be going well.

Well my ex followed the script.
15 years in.
I was happily single for a year.
Then got bf. bit on and off. Didn't co-habit.
He moved in properly about 2 months ago.
It's going great.
But I know I would never re-marry.

A number of questions really:
*- how important is your independence?
Very important to me, I love living alone and I am quite an independent person who likes having time to myself. I am living with my OH though and while of course there are some constraints on how independent I am now (I wouldn't go out and buy a large value item without discussing it, I'm not going to just swan off by myself for a week on a whim - the same as constraints on him) it's been worth that for me. If it's a good relationship it's no sacrifice - you gain more than you lose. It's wonderful to have someone there at the end of a rotten day at work who'll sympathise, cook me a nice dinner, and cheer me up. It's lovely to wake up to a smile and a cuddle. It's nice to share my life with him. But he is the right person. Previous relationships have not been so happy and I've felt trapped and unhappy a lot of the time. T

• how can you be sure that your husband/partner won't have a midlife crisis, cheat on you, do "the script" etc. It seems so common?! This time round, I'm not afraid of it going wrong and our splitting up. My boundaries are firmly in place. The only thing I'm afraid of is it going wrong and my not leaving when I should. You can't live your life not doing things because of fear. And most relationships are happy. But they aren't interesting to talk/gossip/write about. the bad ones are. So it skews your view on how many happy relationships there are.
• is it possible to have a LTR without living together (if no kids)? * I would think so, if you are both happy that way.

Taking the risk of being shat on and dumped in your middle years is the tax you pay on trust.

No matter what happens in the future I've had 20 years of daily comfort, laughs, love, support and companionship from living with DH. I wouldn't trade that in for anything, it's been a huge privilege.

As the saying goes 'T'is better to have loved and lost etc'.