advice needed pls..sorry a long one

[rushour]

brief background:
married for nearly 10 years..ds1 7 and ds2 3.
living with inlaws (dh is an only son)

I love DH and I?ve done everything a "golden daughter in law" would do to tolerate living in THAT house. I've never called it home and its come to the point where i can't take living there any more. Esp. since my MIL has not spoken to me or DH for 6 weeks now. And she doesn't make no effort with her grandchildren. All she ever goes on abt is how she feeds the whole family and no-one appreciates it. well there's more to relationships then feeding the family

i've tried to build better relationships with my in-laws for years now, and have come to the stage now, where I;ve just given up hope..i?ve changed many of my ways to conform to them, however they don?t reciprocate?and compromise? I don?t think they know what the word means!

They continue to treat me like an outsider, who is not allowed an opinion in their house. They can also be so unreasonable, they are too set in their ways and very traditional..they hav no social life and they expect us to be exactly the same as them.

well thank god for DH..who is the complete opposite of them (prob down to being married to me too!! (cheeky wink)

Yest. as a result of the no communication between us and MIL, she turned round to us and said that she doesn?t want anything to do wit us anymore. she wanted a reaction and we didn't give her one. we?ve learnt the hard way to keep our mouths shut when she starts on us. because she always seems to twist the conversation into something else, which is completely irrelevant. I told DH that i don't feel comfortable with her having the kids, while i'm at work, esp. if that?s the way she feels. but DH said that she doesn't really mean it. and she often says things which she doesn't mean..

What gets me down the most, is when all they ever seem to do is put-down the kids and put down us..esp. in front of other people. they never have a good word to say abt any of us..wat must this be doing to kids self esteem and confidence? its constantly.."don't do this, don't do that..ur making a mess..can't u just sit down..ur so naughty and you don't listen"..i know we as parents say this from time to time..but not ALL the time..i am being serious..a positive word NEVER EVER comes out of her mouth..she truly is a miserable woman who never smiles. I have even questioned whether she suffers with depression, but she will not open up to anyone, which is another problem..she has no real friends and has fallen out with her family over the years..so why doesn?t she make the most of her children and grandchildren, who love her and are living with her?if she made the effort with us, then I could tolerate living with them, but I know that this relationship is going down hill..

How on earth do I convince DH to move away? I actually think moving out may salvage something between mother and son. I really want us to leav, but I don't want to leav on bad terms. How long can we continue to live like this? i keep telling DH we've got to get ourselves sorted..kids are growing up and we'll want them to have their own space to do their own thing..he agrees, but financially its not so great..unless we were both in better paid jobs.

I am a strong person, and I know I should not allow the kids to be subjected to these constant putdowns and i'm well and truly sick of it, but i often feel so helpless. I'm so fed up to the point I just want to pack our bags and leave..but don't have anywhere to go..and more importantly don't want to disrupt ds1 schooling and what he considers his normal way of life..i want to change this, to somewhere we could live in more peace and harmony, where the constant bickering and shouting and foul behaviour (my FIL is an alcoholic and can become verbally aggressive) doesn't exist.

i just feel so low and shit at the moment, that I often wonder how on earth I can get out with DH. Any ideas and advice much much appreciated..thanks in advance..

AND i actually think MIL is jealous of my relationship with her son..seriously..do u think this is possible?..isn't that a little sick?

It sounds awful and definitely not the best thing for your or your children. Why are you living there in the first place?

Can you look for somewhere locally, so ds1's schooling wouldn't be affected? Maybe present it to MIL as needing more space or wanting to give her a break after all her years of 'looking after' you all (obviously biting tongue at this point!)

Your DH is obviously not blind to her faults, which is a plus point. What is his reluctance to move out? Cripes, even next door would be better than this.

hi tribpot..we are living there, because my DH is an only son and his parents depend on him very much. We are indian and I suppose the whole living with them issue is part of our traditional culture, but many of our generation don't live with their parents anymore.

The main reason I want to move out is so that we (DH and kids) have our own space, where i am in control, where i'm not stepping on someone else's territory, and that i have ownership of every room, every bit of dust, grass etc etc in MY family home. I want to be able to invite people round for dinner.(can't do that now, for sake of the 101 questions from in-laws), i want to decor my house to my taste, i want the kids to make as much mess as they want, without having someone breathing down their neck abt it all the time, so I hope you get my drift!

DH is reluctant to move out, cz of being the only son..and i think he would feel like he was abandoning them..we actually wouldn't be doing this, and i truly belive we could have a better relationship with them, as we wouldn't be living in each others shoes all the time..living locally is a good idea..but its really difficult getting to that point..i think abt it all the time..and just don't know how to make it happen..i want to be able to say to DH that i can't live in this house anymore and i want to move out. i don't want to come across as inconsiderate and i know this issue will put pressure on DH to decide on who he ought to please..i often wonder, whether something really bad has to happen, before we're 'allowed' to move out..and i hate this thought..but sometimes i think this is the only option..

have you talked to DH about it?

It sounds really horrid for you. I am an only child, and struggled to leave home, for that reason. My father really didn't want me to go, and in fact disappeared off somewhere the night before I left - I think to make his point. but I knew that if I didn't go, then I never would. I have to say that initially my parents still felt they controlled me, my house etc etc but gradually they have eased off. I only live around the corner from them, so I know that I can look after them if need be, but still have my own space. Sure I would never have met DP if I'd stayed there. You really must try to leave, preferably with your husband, but possibly without. It would force him to make a choice, and I would hope that he would choose to live with you and your children, after all you're his future, whereas his parents are more about his past. Try to think of all the fantastic positive things about having your own home, and keep that in your head all the time. I know it will be really scary, but think how great it will be in the end

thanks surprise..those positive thoughts are ALL i think abt every nite before i go to bed..but sometimes I worry whether moving out will ever happen..(more so, that it won't!) All these positive thoughts of having my own place, seem like a fantasy and if not achieved within the next 12 months, then i don't feel i could go on living in this house and the thought of leaving DH here without me and kids, is just making me cry even typing it on here..

Aunty M - i've talked to DH about how i'm finding it difficult living here with his parents..how im becoming less tolerant of their behaviour and attitude..and the impact it has on the kids..DH has tried sooo many times to sort his parents out. to the point where he had a massive argument with FIL abt his drinking and swearing and DH told FIL that one day DS1 will swear at him (not that i would ever allow it, but just imagine), and how would that make him feel..

has DH's interventions made them think again?. no, of course not..which confirms to me they just don't give a shite abt us and the way we feel..they think they know best and we're just being awkward..

rushour,

My Indian friend has a DH and two children and they live with the inlaws, she cannot abide it either. She is treated like a slave to the family and feels like an outsider. You could continue to live like this indefinately but something is going to snap one day.

This comment of yours is telling too:-

DH has tried sooo many times to sort his parents out". Admirable yes but that approach simply does not work. He needs to realise that an dmake the break from them otherwise they will continue to suffocate him with emotional blackmail behaviours.

Your DH needs to realise that he cannot and should not take ownership of his parents' toxic behaviours (emotional blackmail and alcoholism).

You have talked to DH certainly but how exactly does he feel about moving away from his parents?. Is he primarily staying out of some misguided loyalty to them?. Due to the above reasons his loyalty is misplaced; he needs to consider you as his wife and his children primarily now.

rushour, I don't know much about the Asian way of life you're describing - would DH's parents be very offended if you left? To the point of disowning him or anything? If he is an only son, I can't imagine that any parents would risk losing their only child purely because he wanted to live elsewhere, or is that too simplistic? I think you and DH need to find a place to live, then simply thank the in-laws and move out. (or light blue touch paper and retire, as I think it's known!) would this approach work, or would DH not be up for it? I feel so sorry for you - but you only have one life, and you must try your hardest to make it a happy one for you and your family x

i know what all of you are saying is right. I think a time will come when i finally 'snap' and that will prob be the moment when i decide to leav with or without DH. i just can't imagine being away from him, and it'll prob b the hardest thing i ever do. I hate the idea of Dh having to choose between me and his parents, because it shouldn't have to be that way. But if I am to have the kind of future I want, and to live the one life that I have, then this is the sort of action i'll have to resort to.

Thanks for listening. and will keep you posted with how its all going.

how are things, rushour? been wondering if you'd managed to sort anything out yet.

Been wondering if you were ok rushour? Did you manage to improve your life?

what about a different perspective? You PIL are obviously not happy with life as it is now- consider perhaos you all living with them is making their aging years more miserable (even if it is their own doing)
I think you would definatley save your dh/mil relationship if you moved out and if you stayed nearby you could be there to help but not on top of each other.

Is it fair to your PIL to stay? Try to get your dh to think this way- he may be doing them a huge favour by giving you ALL more space.

I appreciate it is a cutural thing that has lead to this arrangement but this is modern world- our living arrangements are different because our needs are different to how they used to be.

Save your marriage, your relationship with your PIL and all your happiness- move out but close. Good luck honey.

Rushour,

Don't post on MN much these days, but had to respond to this. I am Indian too, and until recently lived in the UK. I have recently moved back to India. I have been amazed by how conservative Indian familes in the UK are. India has moved on-most middle class people live in nuclear families now-but British Indians still seem tp be using traditional culture as an excuse to get away with abusive behaviour. MY DH is an only son as well, and his parents would probably love to live with us, but we are both agreed that it will not happen, despite his parents being a lot nicer than yours.

Rushour, you need to move out for the sake of your children. DH has to choose between you and his parents. It will be very hard for you, but you have to do it.

hi, just wanted to give you all an update. Still stuck in the same situation. More chat with DH but basically, he can't make a decision on whether he wants to move out or not.He's explained how he doesn't want to be held bac and wants to build a future for the kids and me, but he wants it all on a plate. I'm trying to convince him, that its goin to be a struggle and we'll need to watch finances, but he doesn't want to live a life like that, in which case finanacially, we'd be better off living with the in-laws.
I told him there was much more to life than money! and that my mental state of mind and the kids for that matter, needed space, and to feel in control must come first

He is so torn, between having to make a decision. I hate having to put this pressure on him, but he must decide and soon, cuz i feel like my head is goin crazy. MIL is driving me mad everyday. Everything she does gets on my nerves, even her voice. I just want to scream. I'm surprised I've remained calm and tolerant, throughout, mainly by not wanting to display agressive behavoiur and conflict in front of the kids. I've contemplated leaving him, hurting myself - I told him this and even then all he could do is just hold me. He doesn't want me to go, but I feel so trapped, that I don't see any other option.

I've sussed my MIL as someone who does not have a maternal bone in her body. I'm not saying this is a bad thing, but she had a child out of obligation to her husband / family tradition / culture. Why? When she shows no love, rants all the time and just constantly wants the house clean so all toys as soon as they are out, need to be packed away. And that's only 1 scenario.

I'm just going to have to keep trying. But feeling really down, cz I feel I'm getting no where. Tears streaming down my face, as I type this, so just need to go now.

Couldn't read this and not reply. You sound like you are at breaking point. Something similar happened with my parents - Dad had always promised my Mum that after we had all left home they would go back and live in her country where they had originally met and married - but then he wouldn't - she finally decided she was going whether he came with her or not - it was a very bad time for their marriage but eventually he followed her. He died a few years later, but ultimately I think the last few years of their marriage were happier than they had been for a long time.
I think what I am trying to say here in a roundabout way is if your DH is too torn to choose then you choose for him. Take your boys and go. Let him follow. From what you say I would be prepared to bet that it won't take long.

Thanks for responding. I just can't bear the thought of having to resort to that, and the impact it will have on the kids. DS7 and 3.

Besides, I really don't think I want to have to put DH in that kind of situation. I'd feel so guilty, making him choose and of course it would mean he'd follow me, but under such horrid terms. I want him to move with me, because he wants to. Not because I made him too.

Does that make sense?

Rushour, I started a long response on my own experience with living with my inlaws, but it's not really comparable because I have a pretty good relationship with them. Suffice it to say that I found it really, really difficult nonetheless and it took a great deal of persuading to get my DH to move out. If you can possibly manage it I would suggest (as we did) renting a flat locally for you and your family-- present it to your DH as a temporary measure if you like, just to get some breathing space and figure out your options. You may have to do all the legwork of finding a place and figuring out the financial side yourself if DH is resistant. We now stay in a flat that would fit in our old bedroom at the inlaws' but it is SO much better; even DH admits this. And I think you are right that it could help your DH's relationship with MIL. I really wish you the best of luck, you are a trouper to have put up with this situation, and to have risen above your MIL's sniping.

hi, some of you may remember my message i posted a while back, when i was feeling very low and trapped with regards to my whole life situation.

i wanted to give you all an update. I just can't believe this is finally going to happen, but i collect the keys to my, yes, it will be MY house tomorrow. I cannot tell you how i feel. Excited and anxious all at the same time. Excited, because finally I get control over how I want my family to be raised, what food to cook and how to organise my home to the way I want it, allow kids to make a mess, play with toys indoors..hurray! Anxious, because with paying a mortgage comes a load of stress. My life will certainly get busier and I'm happy to make that sacrifice so that I can live a sane life in my own house and to allow children to have their own space and freedom of choice. God, they are sooo excited!

But it took a while to get to this point... When we put the offer in for the house, we had every intention of moving ALL together. One big family, in one great big house, however, when DH told them that we'd like them to come with us, they said no! I couldn't believe what I was hearing, but then I thought, they could change their minds. We've asked them several times since and each time, FIL has got angry and told us not to ask again, so we won't, because we want to leave on good terms.

I know DH is upset about this and I want to support him througout, because him leaving his parents, the mother that cooks, cleans and if she still could I know would wipe his arse after he's been to...AGGHH, i'm just winding myself up, because she is such a control freak.

I should put all this behind me now and think about the future. The bars are coming down and I'm going to be free from this prison, not in the physical sense, but mentally.

I just want to thank fellow mumsnetters for being so incredibly supportive and understanding. Thank you.

Congratulations Rushour!
But I'm confused. Why did you want them to move in with you? And, did they know you were looking to buy a house?

hi, we've been looking for some time and when we decided to finally go for this house, they then tell us that we should've moved to the area we desired most, which is miles away from them. I was soooo angry with them for not communicating this at the time when we first started looking (3 years ago) We had no idea they were never planning to move with us, until now.

I suppose asking them was more to do with respect than anything else. Plus DH being an only son, I suppose he felt obliged. Can you imagine what they'd say if we hadn't asked them? Well, at least it can never be reflected badly on us. I think we've done all we can, considering our circumstances. I just pray and hope they don't change their minds, because I've finally come round to the idea that I'm getting my own place!

Sounds very complicated.
Enjoy your new house,free from their presence!

rushour you give me strength, loads of respect for keeping it together, and good luck

So pleased to hear it is going to work out for you. Enjoy your new home - you have more than earned it.