would I be mad to break off a brilliant relationship with dp because of his ex-w?

[blottielottie]

have namechanged in case ex-w lurks on here

we are very happy, dp adores the dcs, dcs adore dp. We have been living together for a year now and together for longer than that.

dp has one ds with his ex-w. His ex-w has said from the outset that she will never ever let their ds set foot in our house and will never ever let their ds associate with my dcs and has told their ds he must choose between her and him. I am not the first girlfriend to get this treatment. The last one, I met a year or so before, told me his ex-w's constant demands of dp and being totally ridiculous with their ds will never ever stop. I didn't believe it at first but I can see that she is not wrong. She said it was a major factor in the break up of their relationship.

I do love dp but the ex-w issues are constant. It is almost like she creates things deliberately to get him involved. So this week, dp has been at the school almost every day as she didn't send him in one day. Then she phoned dp and insisted they met so she could take ds off her hands to buy him a new school shirt. I said fgs he must have more than one but all she does is scream down the phone constantly at him then hangs up.

I used to not believe that dp was putting his foot down but tbh, I have seen him try. Their ds is quite hard work and because she has blocked him from seeing us, she can never get a break. She phoned this morning and said she is going away next week and dp must come and stay in their house.

I honestly thought that after a year or so she would tire of this behaviour but according to the ex-gf, she went through 7 years of this and never once did she let up, even when the ex-w had new partners etc.

Her phone went missing this week when she dropped ds off at dp's work and ds and dp helped look for it because she was screaming and shouting so much. Turned out it was handed in to the police station and they called ds as it was one of the missed calls. Dp picked it up on his way to work and dp had been calling it before to help look for it and when he looked on the phone, he saw that he was named as 'C*' on there!

She has told him that her and ds are a unit and if he fucks her off, she will poison him and I have seen her do it. Ds once turned up sobbing at the house because ex-w had told him dp didn't love him, that's why he was having such a nice time with his new family....sigh (poor ds).

I am just getting tired of it. I am not sure breaking up is the answer but I am finding it hard to deal with I think largely because I feel so sorry for their ds who is being used as a pawn in this all (even if me and dp weren't together, seems it has been like this for years) but I am just not comfortable with it all...

Okay so his son is 14 years old and he still talks to his ex wife every morning and evening otherwise she starts making threats?

Is your husband an child? why doesn't he just tell her to fuck off? forget about her pathetic threats! He sounds like an complete push over and no wonder his son is so engrossed with his mother if his own bloody father an pussy around her! He and his son went looking for her phone because she was screaming!! do you get how pathetic that makes your boyfriend look??

This is not an issue with the ex wife but an issue with your partner, he has allowed this to happen and it will never stop...ever.

I am sorry, bit you really do not have a "brilliant relationship" if your partner allows his ex to fuck up your life together to this extent

As he is 14. I would be inclined to hang on in there. A couple of years will make a hell of a difference in the dynamic and things should settle down once he is 16/17. Kids eventually 'see' their parents too!

Gosh, with more info I'm sorry I said it sounded unsupportive to leave him.
Your boyfriend sounds rubbish, sorry.

I'm very about him having access to her online banking 8 years later. She's not the only one not moving on, is he?

His 14yo - FOURTEEN! - has a £500 a month gambling habit, and he has done nothing about that?

She has no evidence of DV, he will not be convicted.
Why hasn't he been to the police and explained the threat?
He should do that, he should call her bluff. He should also stop spying on her spending. He should get access via the court and start giving this boy some attention, love and boundaries. Why hasn't he said - I will NOT take calls from you every day. From now on, I will not answer. If it is urgent, send me a text with the detail, then I will respond. And then: ignore.

I expect his last gf walked away not because of ex-w, but because of how her boyfriend, your boyfriend (wasn't) dealing with it.

I had this with my ex's ex wife. But he was also a cheat (and many other things!)

To be honest, she never changed throughout our relationship. Found emails from her ordering him around, giving her opinions on my pregnancy, her opinions on me (she'd never met me! :) ) etc. She treated him like a naughty little boy! When she couldn't get through to him, she'd text me demanding that I get him to contact her…………

I think she never quite understood that they were divorced (even though she instigated the divorce.) She'd also done the not meeting the children thing with his ex girlfriend and me. I think its a way of ensuring total control over the situation. Quite a revolting woman. But with the benefit of hindsight, he allowed her to do this (but couldn't or didn't want to see what was happening.)

The reason that they split up may be key to alot of this? Mine had been unfaithful with someone else, so she seemed hell bent on revenge (which I can understand on some fronts, but not years after their divorce on people who had nothing to do with their divorce!)

The reality is that your partner's ex wife will be a constant presence in his life until his son leaves home (and beyond.) Its whether you can deal with that or not (4-7 more years of this perhaps?) I quite frankly had enough of it (and his behaviour!)

I can see the pros for leaving here as it sounds like hell on wheels. Drastic changes must be made for your sanity but they have to come from DH. Have you made it clear to him that for you this is close to bring make or break?

Sorry to hear this but your partner is compliant in this ongoing situation so as much to blame.
Even after 8 years the ex has as much control over his life as if they are still married so it is a strange situation that has been allowed to develop. Can p not see this? He needs to tackle this head on with legal action all guns firing.

(The son has access to £500 or so a month 'pocket money' for gaming? of course she's not going to stop it - he may want to move to his dads otherwise).

Thanks everyone.

I understand where everyone is coming from but you really have to see this woman to believe it.

Dp and I have been to lawyers and we can try and fight her legally but she is extremely well off (she was left a lot in an inheritance last year, like 6 numbers a lot) and has a v expensive lawyer who seems to do nothing but encourage her to be difficult. We have a lawyer but the truth is that we do not have the financial ability to fight her in every little way.

Dp is concerned because one of ex-w's friends 'claimed' domestic violence when there wasn't any to get full custody of their children. It took 2 years through the legal system for this woman's husband to fight it. Eventually the truth came out and this man was awarded joint custody and cleared of all accusations but it cost him his job and over £150k in legal fees (he didn't get awarded costs for some reasons - I don't know how that works). Ex-w and her ridiculous hot shot lawyer know all about this and I suspect want/know how to follow the same path.

I hadn't thought about the waiting thing but you are right. Her ammunition at the minute is ds and once ds escapes from her it will be easier I suspect.

Re the phoning all hours, he has blocked her number, moved numbers etc but ultimately, he gives his new number to ds and ds then gives it to his mum...

I will have a think but thanks to everyone as it's been useful to me to hear different opinions.

she sounds a real nightmare.

you have to think about how you want to live your life. how good is your relationship otherwise? do you reckon you could weather the storm for another couple of years? apart from this are things all good?

if so, you could give it another few months and then come back to this thread and see if it's improved or you see a light at the end of the tunnel.

My dp's ex is a complete pita, she stops contact when ever she feels like it, blocks phone contact, is abusive about me and too me, she has attacked me, tells the children all kind of horrible lies about me and dp and generally makes life miserable so I do sympathise.

The difference is that my dp doesnt let her get away with it and we are a united front at all times.

Weve been to court several times to sort out contact despite not being able to afford it and having to borrow money for court fees, dp represents himself.

She doesnt have our home phone number and neither do the dsc, dsd has my mobile number (her mum doesnt know that) for emergencies but ex contacts dp on his mobile.

Dp puts all contact in email or text form so that he has written evidence.

There is no way in hell I would be happy with dp staying at her house and I think it gives the wrong message to the children. She tried saying the children werent allowed to stay at our house but the court told her that she couldnt dictate where dp took the children during his contact time.

In your situation I think the problem is your dp, why does he still have access to ex's bank account? Hes allowed the situation to ruin a past relationship but he hasnt made any effort to change things to save yours. Why do ex's needs and demands trump yours? I dont agree that you should have to grin and bear it until dss is 16 whos to say he will leave home then, what do you do then wait till hes 18/21/30. Your dp needs to changethings now not only for your sake but for his ds too.

He needs to contact families need fathers and mckenzies friends, they have been fantastic in helping dp over the last couple of years.

Well the phone one could be sorted. A separate pay as you go phone that the number she can have and turn the sound off at certain times so she can't contact him willy nilly. it's a way of controlling the onslaught at least and also it can act as a log as no doubt she'll be furious at not being able to contact him at will. Proof at how unreasonable she is.

Any shit you and your boyfriend have to put up with is nothing compared to what his son has endured. The only thing this poor boy has learnt from his dad is to capitulate. I get the impression that you expect this traumatised and abused child to stand up to his mother whilst your partner (the supposed adult) has lots of 'reasons' not to.

Hasn't your boyfriend gathered evidence of her DV claims? What support or advice has the schools counsellor offered? If the boy is missing school, what steps has the school or LEA taken to resolve the situation? From your OP it sounds like your DP has balked at the possible financial price tag of fighting for his son and had chosen to continue on the path of least resistance.

You have two options, except the situation and your boyfriends role in it or dump him because his inaction will onlycontinue to feed this tragic dysfunctional mess. Any support you give and have given to your boyfriend only enables him. He gets to play happy families with you and your children, which he uses as a substitute rather that a spur to fight for his own child. He has form for letting a relationship die rather than stand up to his Ex, which only demonstrates what he will sacrifice in order to maintain the status quo.

i agree with that payg phone.

get her to threaten your dp with dv, and you've got her. also a log over time of her abuse.

you can put it on silent so you're in control of when she contacts you.

unfortunately you can only give that number to your dss, and he can't have your dp's proper number but it's got to be better than this right?

Why can he access her bank account 8 years after they split up?

He needs to record her threats for a start. Once he has those in the bag he can make his next move. However I'd be tempted to tell the son that he is old enough to decide when he wants to see his dad and leave it with him.

However I'd be tempted to tell the son that he is old enough to decide when he wants to see his dad and leave it with him. So dad should let a conflicted boy who he parented appallingly now shoulder all the responsibility because he's reached the grand old age of 14. Dad needs to do what he should have been doing for the past 8 years, which is pulling his finger out of his arse. Ex sounds like a nightmare (he's not the only one with one) but I would find it very hard to love, let alone, find attractive a man who would let their child be subject to such misery.

Im reading through this thread and thinking no man/relationship would be worth it, for me.

A lot of the issues would be resolved if he'd set boundaries ages ago. He didnt/hasn't, because he doesn't want to. The level of control and influence this woman appears to have is nonsensical. & your dp isn't a good example for his DS either; its his DS I feel most sorry for, stuck with a mum who's obsessed with her ex, his dad, and a dad who's moved onto another relationship and is allowing ex, his mum, to be troublesome so as to have an excuse not to really be there for his son. That poor child. His parents are a joke...but its not funny for him.

The problem isn't the ex wife, its your partner. Tell him to grow a set. Its completely unacceptable how he's dealing with her. Unless it changes your relationship is doomed. its pissing you off now and at this rate IT WILL NOT STOP!!! But deep down you know all of this don't you?

I think this stops now. He should tell ex that when she goes away for a week, DS stays with you or she cancels her plans. Enough is enough.

You don't need fancy lawyers to fight this case, there are no legal technicalities to work through. DS deserves a relationship with his dad. End of.