Anyone had repressed memories of abuse re surface?

[Imsuchamess]

I had no memory aged 8-9 except about ten minutes of memory. During that time my mum had a boyfriend. The ten minutes of memory I had hinted at something dark going on. Things like remembering being held naked under water in a freezing bath and told I was dirty and had to be cleansed.

After when he had left and I had memories I remember showing signs of having been sexually abused. My dad went nuts because I kept having nightmares of being raped but couldn't see a face.

Well about 6 months ago a abusive man I had been seeing who knew about this decided to push me.

He kept asking questions and saying things like imagine a small tiny scared child being raped I begged him to stop but he continued. And much worse well he triggered me or something and it was like a wall came crashing down.

All of a sudden a years worth of memories hit me. And some of it made sense like the fact I don't like wearing pink. I have once burst into tears at age 15 as I got my clothes soaked and had to borrow a friends and she only had pink clothes. Well he used to like me wearing pink. Things like I had a major argument with my first love as I didn't bleed and he claimed I must not of been a virgin and was lying to him.

I haven't spoken about this to anyone but my questions are how do I know if the memories are real?

How do I move on?

How do i talk about this to someone?

I can't seem to find the words to tell anyone it's almost like speaking about it makes it real and then I can't hide any longer.

A line out of a song I know describes perfectly how I feel. The line is " hello I am the lie living so you can hide".

I feel like I need to tell someone every little detail because at the moment it's all locked up eating away at me. but I know what I have to say would upset most people. I don't know how to tell anyone.

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this.

But it sounds as if you are feeling very bad indeed - please, please, is there anyone you can go to in RL right now and talk? Can you call someone - the Samaritans even? I'm not remotely an expert but it sounds as if you are really in need of some help as quickly as you can get it. You can't handle these thoughts alone, nobody could.

I hope someone else will be along in a minute to offer some better advice xx

I am so sorry for all that you went through and for the way you have been forced into rediscovering things.

these people are fantastic:www.rapecrisis.org.uk/ they will not judge, they will not go faster than you can cope, they will help you and support you.

I hope that you find a way through and find peace and hope and love for the future.

xxfool

You need a safe place to talk about it where you don't feel you have to worry about other people's reactions to what you have to say.
Samaritans, or a rape charity will be the best place to start, and I think it would be a good idea to access therapy via your GP.

You don't have to decide in advance how 'real' or 'accurate' or serious these memories and impressions are. The important thing is that they are distressing you and it would be good to talk to someone about them and how to deal with them.

Wishing you all the best.

You need to ask for help, now. Immediately. Go to your doctor and explain the situation and ask for skilled help with someone specialized in this area.

Or get in touch with an organisation for survivors of sexual abuse. They have heard it all, and then some. They won't be upset and they will know how to point you in the right directoin. There is a good chance they are real, and also some chance that they are not real. They will probably know how to help either way.

Unfortunately as far as I've observed, memories do sometimes come crashing back and they can be extremely hard to endure. The mind (as far as I can see) protects itself by shutting off and can keep the memories shut off for years. When they finally resurface it's because at some level you are strong enough to handle - but given yours were prodded out by a bf who really, really, really sodding should have had more sense, you may need more support. You have a hard journey ahead though you have survived this far and you will carry on surviving.

All the best Imsuchamess.

Thanks all I will give rape crisis a call see what they say. The man I was seeing is a abusive twat who meant to hurt me and he meant to make the memories come back of that I have no doubt.

I want to go to my doctor but I don't know how to tell him.

Can you write it down and show your doctor, if you don't think you can say the words?

Or even print out your OP and take that with you to the doctor so you don't have to 'say it out loud'
That could be a good option.
Call and make an appointment as your first step.
I honestly cannot, for one moment, imagine what you must be going through.
The fact were in an abusive relationship speaks volumes about the lessons your learnt when younger regarding relationships.
I am sure you will get the help and support you need and you can come out of this feeling stronger.

Really sorry this happened to you. I was serially abused as a child from 3-6 and yes, the memories can come back when you least expect them. I had a blank spot too.

Get to your gp and explain in general terms just like you did on your original post. You don't have to go into detail on the memories. You should get a referral to a clinical psychologist who will work with you to recover. It depends on what services are in your area but your GP can give you the best advice. It may also be worth booking a double slot.

Also contact NAPAC who are a specialist charity helping adults who suffered child abuse. They have a helpline.

www.napac.org.uk

They were fantastic when I started to realise the need to address what had happened.

Subsequently I have seen a psychologist and have undergone psychotherapy. It is tough but there is a way out. It won't be this way forever

Sexually not serially sorry! Hope you feel better soon and good luck.

Thank you I'll print off my op and give it to him. I won't be forced or pressured into pressing charges will I?

I will also contact napac. Thank you everyone you posts have made me feel a bit better plus it's nice just to share it.

I won't be forced or pressured into pressing charges will I?

No.

Thank you Denzel I may want to in the future but right now I just feel too weak.

The support and counselling will be for you. what you choose to do (or not) in the future is completely your choice and people will support you whatever.

you have coped amazingly just opening up here, well done.

thoughts and strength to you.

This is our local service. Perhaps they can direct you to someone closer to you if you aren't in notts xx

www.isas-notts.org.uk/

don't even think of prosecutions yet, imsuch. If you do ever choose to go down that route, its a long way in the future. The first thigns will be to find the right support, work out what's actually gone on and to cope with the emotions that are brought up.

On a very pragmatic level, it might be an idea to sit down and literally plan out how you'll cope - which organisations you will contact and if there is any friend you trust enough to confide in. Also, I'm not joking here, make sure you eat enough good food regularly. If the memories are overwhelming enough, it can be easy to let things like that slide but regular good food is actually something that keeps your physical system in good shape. Exercise can help burn off some of the rage that you may well come face to face with, too.

Thinking of you.

meerka's advice is great. Physically you need to make sure you are OK. An no you do not have to worry they will press charges etc. Everything will happen at a pace you want it to.

When I wrote to NAPAC I just went blaaaaa on an email and said I had no idea where to begin, this was the situation, and what could I do. They wrote back in two days with the advice and were so wonderful and kind.

I found that I mentioned sexual abuse and that memories were resurfacing as a result of recent trauma (in my case workplace bullying) and this was enough. Then the discussion was around the impact that was having on my health. It's this latter one that you can focus more on and explain how this is now affecting you so adversely.

You can go into as little detail as you like - normally just the mention of abuse/child/memories resurfacing is enough. If you feel able to elaborate then do so, but you don't have to if you don't feel comfortable. Do be sure to catalog its impact now and explain your symptoms as a result of all you have been through so he can refer you correctly. He will be very sympathetic and he will understand.

Everything will be done at the pace you are comfortable with. Difficult to realise I know, but honestly just acknowledging something like this is half the war won already. You are very brave and I hope you get the advice you need soon so you can make a plan

Thanks all no I haven't been eating properly you see I also have scizoaffective but I'm on a episode right now and I been ignoring a physical health problem for a long long time at least six months. I have not had a non water bowel movement in that time. I have been having a lot of pain in my stomach. I have previously had extremely low b12 levels they were 90 and my red blood cells where meglomastic I think he said ( he said it was where you don't have enough red blood cells so your red blood cells mutate and grow larger to fill the space) to the point where my first pdoc who discovered this said I was on the border of causing permanent nerve damage. I also have extremely smelly eggy burps.

He begged wrote phoned and pleaded with my gp to investigate but my gp refused. So he asked me to keep pestering him till he referred me but I became too ill to bug him.

So some days I just don't feel like eating then others I binge on crap and take aways. The bad stomachs are getting worse and my fingers and feet feel numb. My spine hurts and I have no energy. I feel constantly fluey and weak and I feint a lot.

As my doctor refused to investigate why I had such a super low dose of b12 I have at least been buying b12 supplements.

But my first psychiatrist feared either Crohn's or pernicious anaemia he said this to my doctor but my doctor said they were very rare illnesses.

Change GPs is the answer! You poor thing. So you are at least under the care of a psychiatrist?

Honestly, I know it's a faff but do go and see someone else, get a new GP who lives in the real world. It's so frustrating as all the referrals have to come through them even though they are no expert. Maybe find a sympathetic lady doctor you could talk to?

Have you explored any of the abuse with your psychiatrist?

Chron's is hardly uncommon by the way - my grandfather had it and my brother has it, and a colleague. Treated, you can live quite happily but untreated is where the problem lies.

Tbh I would first focus on getting a gp you can trust. I sound like a drama llama sorry :) but a good gp can literally be the difference between life and death. If it was not for my lovely sharp eyed gp three years ago, my bipolar would have gone undiagnosed yet again and I would have probably ended up in hospital seriously ill yet again. You need someone on your side.

To have an outlet to talk things through, NAPAC or another rape advisory service will be good. A

Oops I was going to say, I had something similar. My psychiatrist was desperate for me to start treatment for hypothyroid but my new gp was refusing to do it. Cue getting sicker and sicker for six months and it wasn't till I could literally not get out of bed they ran the tests again and lo and behold my thyroid had gone kaput. It was such a battle but worth fighting for.

You must feel dreadful and tired and not well and all this stuff going on in your head I can imagine the last thing you want to do is schlep around gp surgeries. But please if you can, do so. To be physically healthy will make the mental strain ease. Thinking of you

The thing is my gp is normally excellent he refers at the slightest thing and is always willing to listen it was him who referred me to adult mental health services only he told me how to get help the quickest way. But for some reason he refused to run tests on this matter. I don't want to change him as I have a new psychiatrist who is a actual twat and I'm going to try and change him.

My gp is normally over cautious (I wonder if he just didn't like being told what to do lol) and very supportive. I have made a appointment with him for a week Monday to try and sort this out.

Ah OK :) that's good to know, I'll stop ranting about it! Just seen too many cases where people should have been sent straight on and the bottleneck was at the gp.

But sorry about your psychiatrist, it's important to click with them isn't it. Will you discuss your physical symptoms again?

Really hope you get some answers soon.

I will discuss my symptoms with my gp I have made a appointment for a week Monday.

I have recently been diagnosed with pernicious anaemia, and it sounds like your symptoms fit. You say you are buying vit b12 suppliments? But if they are oral they won't be helping as pa means you can't absorb vit b12 from your food. You need injections so it goes straight into your bloodstream. It only takes a special blood test to check the diagnosis, then the injections, and it could be really easily sorted out and have you feeling much better. Go to a different doctor!

Hello,
I hope you can get all the support you need during this really tough time. Can I very gently ask if you get delusions with your schizoaffective disorder, and whether these memories could in fact be delusions? The reason I ask is my brother is schizophrenic and one of his delusions is childhood abuse by family members. Obviously I can never be 100% that it didn't happen but I am 99.9% sure it didn't for various reasons.

Please please don't think I'm trying to dismiss your situation, I am a very strong advocate of the #webelieveyou campaign and it is so important that women reporting are believed and supported, but I wanted to pose that question, because getting you the best and correct support and treatment for you right now might depend on the answer.

Anyhow I'm thinking of you, and I really hope my question doesn't upset you, but I felt it important to pose, I know how hard schizoaffective disorder and schizophrenia is, especially with other serious health conditions and getting docs to take seriously. Wishing you all the best.
Xxx

Knitting mama thank you.

Ladycurd I have pm you.