Any other bi/lesbian mums out there?.... Feeling rather alone.

[merlotguzzler]

Hello

You may wonder why I haven't posted this on the lesbian/gay parents board, but to be perfectly honest, it's dead! So I'm hoping I'll have more luck here.

I'm 30, bi sexual and have a 7 year old DD from a previous relationship. I have a gf who I've been with for a year now.

Where I live is quite conservative and I don't know any other bi/gay people...........atall! I know we're not the only ones! But sometimes, I have to say, it feels like it. Also, living in this kind of area, we get a lot of disapproving looks and comments. Not nice as you can imagine, or possibly relate to. Also, we're both very feminine (especially me) and this seems to throw people completely! Some people (mainly men tbf) can't seem to accept that we're actually a couple. Quite insulting really. Anyway, brief rant over......for now

I looked in to local groups/meet ups etc, but tbh, I didn't really like the sound of any of them, so thought I'd see who's about on here.

Would be great to hear back from any like minded women out there.

Thanks ladies.

I'm a gay mum with three children and have been with my girlfriend for 7 years now. I'm in cheshire :)

Hello Pro

How are things in Cheshire?

Really good, considering it's a quiet little town we have really good friends here and our family has been accepted and welcomed. Other than the odd idiot we havnt had any issues with the children ether, they are 11, 10 and 2 and proudly announce they have two mummies without any worry which is great, and their friends don't see it as
an issue at all. I think being open helps a lot in that aspect.

I also agree seeing other alternative families helps a lot as well, our closet friends include a family of immigrants, a lesbian couple with children, gay couple and their adopted child and a Muslim family. The children are very used to seeing diverse families and know that everyone is different and that's ok. DD is always coming out with "the world would be so boring if we were all the same".

There are some great childrens books on amazon as well featuring gay couples, we initially bought them to show the children other families like ours exist and later they used them to take into school on show and tell days etc. tango makes three is a favourite of theirs if you want to have a look. It helps the children to feel proud of their family which really deters the bullies who target childrens insecurities.

ProtegeMoi, I may have to move to your town!

We're going to be moving soon and I'm so scared we'll end up moving somewhere even more prejudice that we are now. I don't really know how to go about finding out stuff like that.

The main thing is that DD is in a good, diverse school, so we need to work around that really. She has mild special needs and so it's really important that we find somewhere right for her.

Maybe we've just been really unlucky so far, with regards to negative reactions and comments. I hope so. Would be amazing to find somewhere where we don't feel any different to anyone else and that DD isn't judged either.

*prejudice than

I think prejudice exists everywhere and it's how you preset sometimes. This area isn't particularly diverse really but we seem to have sought out and made friends with virtually every non- traditional family in the area lol.

We are very open so it's "this is me, accept me or get lost" and it works. Those that have been negative are not part of my life and quickly learn that nothing they say is going to have any impact on me. My children are the same, one school child dared to question my eldest DD on her own sexuality and her response was basically "are you really so stupid to believe it's heriditary". The child never bothered her again and in fact they were friends for a while until she moved.

Just be proud of yourself, teach your daughter it's ok to be different and it's a good thing and ignore those small minded people who think otherwise.

So have your children really never been teased about it?

When it became obvious to the other mums at school that I now had a girlfriend, several of them started ignoring me and I've even seen one pull her ds away from dd when he went to play with her. This is a woman who only a couple of weeks before, I was having a coffee with. She looked straight through me and was acting like she was shielding her ds from some kind of infectious disease. I was really cross, but overall, I was just incredibly sad for dd and actually very guilty

Don't know how far south you mean by 'moving further south' but if you end up in Oxfordshire you should be pretty happy. It's quite a hippy-ish feel in most places and Oxford itself is very diverse. I live in a small market town and know a few same sex couples with children, no-one really bats an eyelid down here, once they know anyway, obvs you're usually going to get that double take moment while they figure it out :)

Just my tuppence worth!

Well anywhere between here (Notts) and London. Hadn't actually thought about Oxfordshire. Thanks for that.

I don't really mind the initial double take looks, especially given that we don't fit the stereotype. But it really can make your life miserable when you receive such negativity.

That's awful! I've never experienced anything like that. The children have had the odd comment, nothing serious, but they respond well so it never lasts. The parents however have never even said a word or been anything other than accepting. How sickening that people still act like that.

ProtegeMoi, it really is great that your dc's don't really have any trouble and it sounds like they're more than equipped to deal with any if they had to.

It is sickening that this kind of behaviour still goes on. When I tell people the kind of things we've had to put up with, I don't think they can quite believe it. My gf keeps telling me that we've just been incredibly unlucky and that these people definitely don't represent the majority.

Unfortunately, I think it's starting to effect our relationship. She doesn't understand why I care so much what others think and I completely understand why it hurts her that I do. I'm really stressed with the upcoming move, whereas my gf is just really excited. I think she's starting to take it personally, which is awful. It's not a problem I have with her, it's a problem I have with certain people and attitudes and the thing is, I have no idea if where we end up moving, will be an accepting and friendly community. The pressure I feel to find the right kind of area and school for DD is crushing. I feel a bit like we're going into this blind.

I can understand both your views. It is always a worry that you won't be accepted or have your children bullied etc. but she is right you have been unlucky and the majority of people do not care in the slightest.

At the same time you do have to stop caring to some degree. There are idiots everywhere who may have a few small minded comments to make but why care what they think? These people generally stop once they realise you couldn't care less why their opinion is.

You are who you are and if people don't like that then it's their problem and not yours! Don't be living your life to please other people, or avoiding moving to new areas etc. do what makes you happy and don't worry about anyone else.

I think once you learn to have that attitude it's a lot easier to deal with any negative comments, although it took me a while to get there. You will meet new people who are not so small minded and just avoid those that are. Hope it all goes well with the move.