will he ever stop???

[davidsotherhalf]

been divorced from abusive xh for 5yrs, but he's still causing problems.
we have a dd with sn, (she's 20) if xh gets bored he will phone her up, sometimes 7 times a day for about a week, then he leaves us alone for a month and it starts again. I don't mind him talking to dd but I get the brunt of her anger when he's finished telling her she's thick, stupid, etc, yesterday he told her him and his wife are organising a family party. dd thought he phoned to invite her so asked when it was, he replied your not invited it's a family party and your not family. dd also told him she's been reading a lot of books over the last few weeks, his reply was I only read serious books not books for idiots like you. dd gets suicidal at times, he tells her the best way to kill herself and everyone would be happy if she did....
dd won't stop answering her phone to him as he's her dad.
he gets a kick getting dd upset and angry so she takes it out on me. he knows just what buttons to press.
will this ever stop?

I think contact between them needs to stop. He is doing more harm than good being in her life.

I don't really know what else there I to say, sorry.

NO!! I'm saying this as a parent of 2 boys with complex neurological problems...YOU need to protect your dd. She might be 20 but if it's as you describe, your exh is being abusive to your dd.

He obviously gets something out of being such an arse hole...

Get legal advice, protect your dd!

i would be thinking of recording the phone conversations they have prior to blocking his number and calling the police. he tells your dd to kill herself? what an utter cunt.

I'd be seriously looking at getting a restraining order to prevent him contacting your DD, he's really badly abusing her!

You really don't have to let him get away with that OP. My God that's harassment at best, really awful verbal and emotional abuse.

Your poor, poor DD. She shouldn't be in contact with him at all.

Only if you make it stop!!!!
Cut all contact with him.
He is a cruel and vile excuse for a human being.
You say I don't mind him talking to DD
Well you should mind.
He is verbally abusing her in the most cruel and callous way, and you are OK with that?
Wow!
Stop all contact immediately.
Intercept all phone calls.
Block him from all phones and if he calls, ignore ignore ignore.
She is 20 and an adult - but she has SN and she needs you to keep an eye out for her.
No wonder she is suicidal with her father putting her down when ever feels like getting on a bit of a power trip.
Put a stop to it today!
for your poor DD.

Should probably add, I also have two DC with complex neurological disabilities and I wouldn't hesitate either if it were them, he'd never have contact.

Do what ever it takes to end this contact for good.

I have tried solicitors, they can't do anything, tried the police, because dd won't record phone calls they won't do anything as got no evidence, tried sw as she was our last resort but she can't help either, dd asked the sw if the law protecting children from mental abuse would help to protect her, she was told no it's only for child protection not for vulnerable adults.

I'm glad you've tried your best to protect her.
But now you need to play hardball.
Block and ignore when ever possible.
If he does get through and DD wants to talk to him, tell him you are recording the conversation. Even if you aren't, he doesn't need to know that.
Tell him you will be recording all conversations for now on.
But the best thing to do is just ignore all attempts at contact.
I'm so sorry you are having to deal with such an appalling human being.

And she can always hang up on him - or you can.
You don't have to listen to vile outbursts.

How do you go about stopping contact. Presumably as an adult it's up to your dd to do this but I assumr the sn complicates this.
can you get a restraining order

Apols took s while to post, x posted

I told sw I was going to block his number but I'm not allowed to as it's classed as abuse, as dd wants to talk to him. I can't do right for doing wrong, I want to block his number from her phone but that's abuse, if I don't block it I'm allowing him to abuse her. dd doesn't understand as in her eyes dads are supposed to love there kids.

I think you need to talk to DD about her options. Does she want to maintain contact?
Will she agree to not answer his phone calls?
Or to put the calls on loudspeaker, so that you can record them?
Would she agree to only receive and send emails and texts and have them screened by you first?

She may need counselling to help her deal with this, even if it's to find the strength to stop contact. Talk together with her GP.

You said dd asked the sw if the law protecting children from mental abuse would help to protect her so does she actually want protecting from her father? You also said that she wants to talk to him. Have you tried explaining to her that she can help protect herself by blocking his number, you might not be allowed to block his number but she can.

Dads are supposed to love their kids. Your dd is spot on.
your dd sounds very confused - asking the sw whether the law can protect her but wanting to continue to talk to her abuser. I wonder whether counselling wout help her understand her feelings and see that she doesn't deserve this and can put a stop to it.
what a waste of oxygen your ex is.

This is so cruel and unacceptable. Agree that you should try to record these conversations.

Can you call mencap for advice. Also I think you should contact adult social care in writing. Set out your concerns and that your dd has asked for help and ask them to help. If they say no then ask them to put in writing why they won't help.

Haven't read the whole thread yet but so far no one has mentioned this so I will. Get her a new phone number. She needs protecting. People who have been abused can still want contact with their abuser. You need to protect her as she can't protect herself.

Get back in touch with social worker. Your daughter is a vulnerable adult. Mention 'safeguarding'. They have a duty of care to protect her.

Any update op?

This is an adult safeguarding issue - get in touch with safeguarding team.

Have you done this yet OP?

yes been reported to social services at least 20 times, nothing they can do, I have put a complaint in against social services, they didn't help a few years ago when dd was 15, she wanted to see her dad but kept coming back with bruises, was told then I wasn't allowed to stop contact, if I stopped dd seeing him I was abusing her......got to the stage where social services went to see him as dd came home with hand prints down her arms and black eye....sw came to see me after, and said what a fantastic guy he wouldn't hurt anyone...dd must of fallen over. because she has special needs they just won't listen, she gives them every minor detail of what's happened but they don't take it seriously.....(I managed to make dd see sense about visits) I have tried changing her mobile number but first chance she gets she texts him with new number....
she just wants someone in authority to tell her not to talk to him. believe me I have tried reasoning with her but she just keeps saying he's my dad and he's supposed to love me.....or one day he might phone me and be nice....
I know it looks like I'm not protecting her but I'm doing everything in my power to protect her.

OMG! what a fucking arsehole.
I've not got anything more to say other than I agree contact needs to stop ASAP.
Can you record the calls and use anything he says to get an injunction or something?

Depending on what sort of special needs she has and the impact they have on her ability to make decisions, it may be possible to ask the Court of Protection to assist. They can only get involved where an adult does not have capacity to make decisions for themselves [and a GP/psychiatrist/social worker has to a sign a form to say this] and they can make orders that would prohibit him from having contact with her, if contact with him is not considered to be in her best interests. As well as prohibiting all contact with a particular person the Court could also set out particular arrangements for contact with someone eg. mustn't be unsupervised, no more than x phone calls per day.

If she can make a valid ["capacitous"] decision [and "answers phone because it's her dad", sounds like reasonably valid decision making, even if lots of adults would make a different decision about an adult who was rude and insulting, regardless of family relationships] then the High Court may be able to assist using its inherent jurisdiction to protect vulnerable adults.