I just don't understand the attitude,any advice?

[mrsericnorthmaniw1sh]

I left my husband nearly a year ago(been unhappy for a few years but never had the courage to leave)he was ea and a bully and violent on a few occasions. Since I left I have discovered that he has financially screwed me, I was a sahm with no income other than the tax credits, he fixed up the house with family members(without my knowledge) so I can't make a claim on it, he is living there all on his own, while I am living with family with our three dcs and face starting all over again with very little. I am getting over all this,sometimes I get really angry and upset but have one to realise that there is nothing I can do and also that we may be financially worse off but otherwise we are much happier and I have found myself a future and intend to study for a career:) what I don't get is his attitude, he has taken no responsibility for anything, he behaves like nothing has happened and can't understand why I am not all smiles and friendly when I have to see him(I am not rude either!) I don't expect him to be down and upset etc but it's the way he just continues and seems to make out that I am the one completely in the wrong and he is the poor victim, he has even lied through solicitors letters, once again making out that it's me I left him,yes,but with good reason - I didn't just decide to up and leave a fantastic marriage one day, he had plenty of opportunities to talk and try to make it better over the years but he did nothing, in the last few months when things got really hard he has actually admitted his attitude was 'if I doubt do nothing' really I just wondered if anyone else had experienced this attitude - it drives me potty. Thanks for reading:)

A bully operates from the basis that 'I am always right'. Everyone else is wrong, inferior, stupid etc. Any female partner (automatically beneath him) disagreeing with this has to be controlled, intimidated, forced, browbeaten or manipulated round to their point of view..... abuse. He had no interest in talking or understanding in the past because, as far as he was concerned, the relationship was working exactly how he liked it. You downtrodden and upset... him in charge.

Just because you are no longer his wife, it doesn't mean that attitude ceases.

I hope your solicitor secures you a better deal. In the meantime, better to be poor and free to do exactly as you please than be financially reliant on an abusive man. His loss.

Thank you - that makes sense to me:) yes, I would rather be as I am now that a year ago - my life and independence/freedom is worth more than money, I can do what I like without the fear of what he may think/say:)

Have you had independent advice from a solicitor re the house? I am surprised that you aren't entitled to more than half of it as you are a SAHM. The fact that his family has fixed it up is neither here nor there I wouldn't have thought.

They own the property,I was given the impression he did. It's all the deceit and lies that have been told and now everything is supposed to be ok as far as he is concerned,I understand what cog said about bullies - that makes sense to me

So, he's nice and polite and generally ok to be around when you see him? He's financially screwed you and sounds like he was a dick when you were together, but what's he now doing wrong? You sound upset he's getting on with things like you are.

Or have I got completely the wrong end of the stick! :)

Ah so he has to be right & to be seen to be right at all times by others. Therefore its all your fault!

Yes its an infuriating attitude. There is no good reason why you have to forget or forgive all the past hurt & EA & there's no reason why you have to be civil now. Just because you have split does not meannone of it happened.

Ignore it OP, the truth will come out in time....

I empathize completely. Cognito is spot on

If it helps, one day his own DC will see him for the total shit head that he is.

Like BeCool I empathise totally.

My stbxh actually all but crushed me before I kicked him out.

He simply sloped off, and then extended my hand for a handshake and said, 'well, let's be friends then?'

Now acts like nothing ever happened.

Arsewipe.

Eventually the dc will see him for what he is. In the meantime, counselling is helping me work through the abuse and lack of closure.

Re: the property, get legal advice pronto.

my X keeps on saying how great it is we are friends now. I just laugh as it illustrates very clearly what I have always expected - he has no idea what friendship is.

It's certainly not when you aren't allowed into your 'friends' house, and even your DC think it is normals that Daddy never crosses the threshold of their home, but stands outside with his head hung like a dog because Mummy (me) won't allow the abusive, piss taking, defensive, angry, half brain into her home.

Foolishly after about 8 months being separated I started to let him back into the flat for handovers, but then one day when I tried to have a conversation with him re DC he lurched back to form being nasty, abusive, threatening etc.

I won't make that mistake again. He's out, absolutely minimal contact between me & him. I am totally neutral/poker faced when I see him. The DC will figure it all out one day.

**A bully operates from the basis that 'I am always right'. Everyone else is wrong, inferior, stupid etc. Any female partner (automatically beneath him) disagreeing with this has to be controlled, intimidated, forced, browbeaten or manipulated round to their point of view..... abuse. He had no interest in talking or understanding in the past because, as far as he was concerned, the relationship was working exactly how he liked it. You downtrodden and upset... him in charge.

Just because you are no longer his wife, it doesn't mean that attitude ceases.**

Just wow Cog you sum it up perfectly. OP I was (until last week) still being controlled, bullied and manipulated by my ExH nearly 18 months after we separated and I was allowing him to do it! The way my counsellor put it was he wouldn't grow another head - it's him, it will always be this way - you can't control him but you can control how you deal with it.

I have cut any face-to-face contact with him and the DC are packed and ready to leave the house when he arrives for them. He was still sending me text messages/phoning criticising my parenting and my choices about other things and I was rising to it! I now ignore any texts other than rota to do with the DC. It's been a week now since I put this plan into place and I feel so much better. As another posting said counselling has been a huge help.

The best thing you can do is look at where you are now, pat yourself on the back and ignore any of ex's games. He is hoping it will all segue into 'water under the bridge' in double quick time so he can tell himself everyone's fine and tell outsiders it's all settled and very civilised.

I assume if you didn't have DCs together you wouldn't waste a moment's breath on him so you certainly don't have to play act at any wrmer feelings. For the sake of your DCs just stay civil and don't badmouth him but any digs about frostiness just ignore. All the easier if your ex PILs never reached out - you don't have to worry about keeping his lot onside or about how much they pass onto him.

Thank you for your replies,it's not me obviously:) although it feels like it is sometimes:( I also refuse to have any contact other than with reference to him seeing the children,anyhing else I ignore because I have nothing to say - I said it all over the years and he never listened then,no point now is there!