What is a 'normal' relationship??

[justaplainjane]

I have come to realise in the past few months my parents relationship isn't normal leading to me not understanding what a 'normal' relationship is. By this I mean I've realised the constant rowing and swearing isn't 'just what happens when you've been married as long as us' but honestly wouldn't know what is and isn't acceptable in a relationship and this worries me that I will end up in a similar situation. So, sorry if you think I'm being nosey and that I should stay out of it because I don't know the half of things and I'm too young to understand, but in your opinion what constitutes a 'normal' relationship? Sorry if this makes no sense it's the first time I've posted, and I understand there is probably no such thing as a 'normal' relationship and could have probably thought of a better word!

A good relationship features respect, kindness, and championing the other - basically being the others biggest fan.

Laughter, shared goals, passion are all good elements too.

You are right it's not what should be expected from a loving relationship, but I would bet it's very common. This doesn't make it right.
I think we all have ideals about how a relationship should be.
I wouldn't say any two relationships have to be the same but I would expect a healthy loving relationship was:
Caring
Honest and trusting
Respectful
Equal
Loving
Affectionate
Encouraging of each other
Allowed for individual identities
Realistic about each other's needs

I'm sure there's a lot more but this is basically to me what a relationship should be.

I guess normal means different things to different people. However, most people generally want a relationship that is caring at the very least, supportive and not abusive. Relationships can be really tough to maintain and will often change greatly over the years. Perhaps the behaviour between your parents has become normal to them, and sometimes we can learn to live with our own versions of normal even though it makes us really unhappy. You are obviously quite young but you have great depth and wisdom. You have seen how bad it can get so now you know what to avoid at all costs. You must discover your own version of normal or acceptable and have the strength to walk away from things in life that make you feel bad.

Honesty, respect, laughter

Honesty, trust, respect, fun and no drama.

And having left a relationship of 23 years where I walked on eggshells and was scared to say how I was feeling most of the time, feeling like I was 2 different people, one when I was with him and a different person with my friends or in work. I'm now in a relationship with a wonderful man who loves me for me and I feel like I can totally be myself, I never have to hide parts of me. And that to me is a normal relationship. It's not perfect but I honestly believe it's about as close as it gets

In a healthy relationship neither partner should try to hurt the other on purpose. They shouldnt insult each other. If you have to change your behaviour or try not to upset your partner because you are afraid of their reaction then that is not healthy. You should enjoy time together and also enjoy time apart with your own.friends and hobbies, without your partner being angry or jealous.
I was witness to my parents unhealthy relationshio and i thought it was normal. I am now having to learn what a relationship should be at almost 30 years old. You have the benefit of knowing now that that isnt healthy, and i hope you go on to have healthy relationships.

A support worker at a domestic abuse project i use said "if they say or do something that maked you feel like 'this feels bad, i dont like it, it feels wrong' then you need to listen to that instinct. In a healthy relationship you should feel respected and safe, not worried and confused"

There is a wide spectrum of normal but I would say think about how you are with a really good friend that you've known for many years. It should be an 'easy' relationship above all..... kindness, affection and smiles should come easier than anger and insults. If there are disagreements or you fall out - and that is going to happen if you're with the same person for a long time - it's resolved and apologies made relatively quickly rather than descending into resentment, stewing and sniping. If one of you is in trouble or needs support, the other steps in without being asked.

If your parents are rowing and swearing at each other all the time they have lost sight of being kind to each other and they are not resolving differences constructively

Have you told them you find it upsetting?

'Normal' might be unusual!

If its someone else's relationship, even if they're your parents, butt out, its their relationship not yours.

If its your own future relationships you're thinking about, if you feel safe and comfortable, and he does too, and you have room to grow as a couple and as individuals, you've cracked it, your relationship is both 'normal' and 'good' and probably 'strong'.

Advice? Counselling. Get some to help you cope with your parents' relationship and its impact on you. I love counselling. It helps.

Butt out? It may be someone else's relationship but, as a child of that relationship & living under the same roof as the rows and swearing, the OP has every right to tell her parents that she finds their behaviour unacceptable. Being assertive now may do the OP more good in their future relationships than any amount of counselling to find ways to 'butt out' and rely on coping.

I haven't talked to them I just tend to ignore them because I feel used to it, and I know they worked so hard to have me and my sister (IVF and another form of fertility treatment, not sure what) I feel it would devastate them if I told them I would basically be happier if they weren't together.

Being 'used to it' is the danger zone. Means you've acclimatised to something that others would find unpleasant. Talk to them. Tell them you appreciate the efforts they went through to have you but you're fed up living in such a bad atmosphere and wish they could be kinder to each other. It might devastate them or it might be the wake-up call they need to get some relationship counselling. Or are you worried that the swearing and shouting would be directed at you if you said something? Do they intimidate you?

No they would never shout or swear at me, from where i'm sat I feel they are only together because of me and my sister anyway. I have spoken to my sister about how I feel but she just calls me pathetic and undermines me which makes me doubt myself and wonder if it really is a problem which is why I posted here, although she is at uni so isn't a home the majority of the time.

You say you ignore it but at the same time you say you think things would be happier if they weren't together. Interesting that you think they are only 'staying together for the sake of the kids'.... that's more common than you'd think. Be honest.... how do the rows and swearing make you feel?

By ignore it I mean go to my bedroom and listen to music so I don't have to listen to them/get brought into it because it upsets me and it's not what I want to sit and listen to.

You have to tell them that. FWIW my parents are the same as yours and even though I turn 50 this year and they are in their seventies, it still upsets me when they go off on one. I think your parents need to know how their behaviour is affecting you and I think - for your own sake - you need to express that, even if they do nothing about it.

I'm just realising that my parents dysfunctional relationship has skewed my perception of what is a normal healthy relationship.

I knew there was occasional abuse but it's the day to day atmosphere that I now see has shaped my expectations of relationships.

Ok I will talk to them when I can, weatherall that is how I feel, I'm not sure what a relationship should be like day to day and that is what worries me mostly.

Do you spend much time with friends at their homes with their families? How do they seem to interact with each other? I remember meeting the family of my first boyfriend and being quite shocked that, unlike mine who operated a kind of cool hostility, his parents actually held hands on the sofa whilst watching TV in the evening and seemed to enjoy each other's company. :)

There is a common misconception by many (otherwise intelligent) adults that they should stay together for the sake of the children. It is not true and by being told that by one of very people they are trying to protect will shock then-in a good way.

In order for you to take the first step into forming good relationships, you should tell your parents how their behaviour makes you feel.

You do not owe your parents anything because they went through a tough time to have you. That was their choice and they wanted you. If they are good parents, they will want you to be happy and to protect you (they probably think that's what they are doing right now).

The fact you are so aware and are thinking about what a good relationship will be means you are going to do just fine! You might have a few false starts as we all have to learn through experience rather than theory, but you will get there.

Yes I think it is spending time with other peoples families and talking to a friend in a similar situation which has made me aware. I understand what you mean y enjoying each others company, my parents love it when the other one isn't here!! I'm going to talk to them next week and you are right they probably do think they are protecting me. I don't think they would ever split up as I know they do care for each other deep down, if they don't it's amazing my mum has stuck with my dad through mental health issues he's had etc! Anyway thanks for the advice .

Justaplainjane- I really feel for you. It can be very isolating dealing with conflict and feeling the pressure of other people's problems. I am sure your parents don't realise how much it is hurting you. I do think a heart to heart may be the wake up call they need to reflect on how their behaviour impacts you. I know as a parent myself, our daughter means the world to both of us, and if we knew we were hurting her we would feel very sad and ashamed. I'm also sorry your sister hasn't been able to give you her support. I'm sure she realises there is a problem, but it's just her way of coping. I have been in a similar situation myself.

If you are wondering from a 'day to day' viewpoint of a 'normal' relationship I can describe what our relationship is like- which I think is pretty normal, if it might help.
Warts and all
We have a DD (3) and I am due to give birth any day so possibly not the same dynamic as a couple such as your parents. Been married 4 years and together 7 so again- not lots and lots of years but would say we have had our fair share of ups and downs. I am a SAHM. DH is self employed and works from home on average half the week so we spend a lot of time in each other's hair, but overall we tend to coexist very well together.
I saw a meme today saying "there's no one I would rather lay next to in bed and ignore while on my phone" which made me laugh as we have this kind of comfortable silence which comes from I guess...Feeling very at ease with one another. Other people might look at that as sad and want more 'pizzaz' in their relationship but I see it as a sign that we are solid.
I think DH is possibly more of a giver than I am. But that works very well for us. It makes me feel loved and secure and it makes him feel valued and appreciated.
He pulls his fair share of weight when it comes to housework, although we sometimes clash as I have a certain level of neuroticism when it comes to how things 'should' be done- I think overall though this is one small drop in the ocean when it compares with all of our endearing qualities.
He tends to be a bit domineering at times, and can be a little pig headed, but then not to the level where I find him unapproachable.
We do argue... It's usually not a big huge rage type thing but there have been times (I once threw a shoe at the wall )
We work together really well though. When the pressure is on I think both of us know when the other person needs to put their own pride to the side and step up with encouragement and support. If he has a stressful client and wants to vent I try my best to be positive and supportive of his hard work, if I have a really tough day with toddler tantrums etc and am beating myself up about it, he is always understanding and sympathetic.
Most of all we share the same sense of humour and laugh and joke a lot.

I like to think our daughter sees us as happy and loving towards each other, but I know that realistically she sees we have differences of opinion sometimes. But importantly that we resolve it and can continue being loving and kind no matter what.

Sorry for the novel