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Original poster

Do you have a lot of friends? What is normal?

47 replies

Thatslife72 · 22/05/2014 20:54

Hi,

I've moved around alot over the years, and although I've stayed in touch with old friends from school and were I used to live, I don't really have a lot of local friends, I probably have 5 or 6 close friends only a few of them are local as I have only lived here 3 years, though i know alot more people than that, that I chat to and go out with friends of friends . I don't really click with the school mums, I chat away with them no problem but they haven't really become friends as such. I work for myself so I don't really meet friends through work, they are just clients really. Before I uprooted I had so many friends but found it hard to make new ones. My bf has lived in the same place the whole of his life, when he goes out there are about 15 or 20 of them, this for some reason is making me feel well I'm not sure what the word is, insecure? Jealous even not sure strange emotion really.

Just wondering what the norm is, and how you met your friends? Thanks

OP posts:

Original poster

Thatslife72 · 22/05/2014 21:53

Superfly u sound like your doing ok! X

Chickonamission my best friend who I have known for nearly 30 years lives 2 hours away, we stay in touch and go out sometimes, she has put me up when I have had bf problems in the past, so your not alone I only have a few local friends but my friend from school knows me better than anyone. I'm glad it's not just me that finds it hard.

OP posts:

lavenderhoney · 22/05/2014 21:56

Watching the thread with interest. I think the lack of social networking via smartphones etc has contributed to my lack of long term friends, as its not THAT long its been available!

I moved around a lot from leaving school for work and have no friends from that time ( they all married each other and live in the same village)

I've lived abroad for years as an expat so not long back in the UK.

Work- travelled and seconded everywhere so no friends from work, and it was only in London I made friends I still have. I have known then for just over ten years. We all live about 3 hours apart and they don't like each other! As below.. Current status!

dropped me when I left dh. Massive shock as thought she was going to be great. Haven't heard from her since the day I left. Have given up.
Been around on email but said couldn't cope with her stress and my stress so possibly a fair weather friend.
Someone who lives overseas and tbh thought would be crap as v high flying, busy and important. How wrong I was. Amazing support. Still ongoing.

Otherwise, am slowly building friendships where I live. Slowly though, as these things can't be rushed. I have a lovely new friend I met on MN and she knows who she is! ( waves)

nottakingsides · 22/05/2014 22:11

Neither DH nor I have close friends. I have acquaintances through activities (work, study, sports) but if I stop doing those then I won't stay in contact with any of them. I used to be sad about that as it made me worry that something was wrong with me, but I've realised that it suits me to be this way and I can't really be bothered to stay in contact with people purely for social reasons. I've never been the type of person who feels the need to talk over problems, and DH is my companion for any events I might like to go to, or I'm happy to go out alone. It meant we had a very cheap wedding too!

It also means I have a sense of personal freedom, in that I don't get gossiped about as I don't really have a social network. It's true that there's more anonymity in cities like London, but that is perfect for me as I hate the idea of being held back for fear of being talked about or ostracised.

Original poster

Thatslife72 · 22/05/2014 22:13

Oh perhaps I'm not doing too bad then, only lived here 3 years, I think it just hits me when he gets invited to stuff how many of them there are. When I go out even if it's just for coffee it's in various different towns lol ! Maybe I am normal lol

OP posts:

Original poster

Thatslife72 · 22/05/2014 22:25

Well that sounds great nottakingsides , that however would make me feel very lonely, if I've had a bad day or week I find a meet up with some girlfriends or a friend helps me no end, I feel I need other people in my life other than dp. I have no family locally either ! But I get what your saying about gossips etc !

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GinUtero · 23/05/2014 09:11

I have perhaps 6 close friends, 3 male 3 female, all of whom I've known for at last 15 years. None of the friends know each other, only one lives in the same city as me these days and most of them are married / busy with their families, so I'm lucky if I see each of them more than twice a year, but whenever we do see each other it feels like we've never been apart.

When I met DH I found he had a large very tight knit group of friends who socialised together at least twice a week. There's about 20 of them in total and over past 3 years I've spent so much time with these people they're not DH's just friends but my friends, especially 5 of the women - I now go away for weekends, etc just with these women and not DH.

I've also made friends through the hobbies that I do (playing in an orchestra, creative writing, going to the gym) although I don't know if I would see them outside of those hobbies.

I love spending time with my friends, but equally I relish spending time alone. I was an only child, so grew up being used to a lot of quiet time. I rarely feel lonely, but I think that's because it's my choice when I want to just stay at home and not see anyone, it's not enforced on me.

Original poster

Thatslife72 · 23/05/2014 09:39

Well over the last year I have met a few of his friends partners and although at the moment I don't really feel I know them, there is always the chance they will become friends over time I guess, I just feel a bit of a fish out of water at the moment, did you feel like that ginutero?

OP posts:

GinUtero · 23/05/2014 09:54

Thatslife initially I found the men in DH's friendship group more welcoming. Some of the women had been friends with DH since school days and I felt as if they were sussing me out, almost like older sisters would be protective over their brothers, but clearly they decided they liked me and now it's the women who go out of their way to include me in things the most.
That's not to say there hasn't been friction and fallings out within such a large group of friends. DH is the kind of person who gets on with everyone and through him I now feel very central to the group. I know he often feels stuck in the middle of our friends squabbles and gets tired of being a peacekeeper. It's all new to me as in the past I was used to just having one on one friendships with people, so I never encountered those kind of problems!

PinkSquash · 23/05/2014 09:59

I have one friend and another acquaintance that's it. It is very hard to find like minded people as an adult.

DSis doesn't understand. She has a good uni group of friends, known for over 20yrs and only two others have joined the group in that time. She doesn't see how exclusive that makes her friendship group and how difficult it is for others to join.

PinkSquash · 23/05/2014 10:00

I'm in Devon btw.

BauerTime · 23/05/2014 10:03

I think blokes always have more 'mates' than women.

Ive got 3 'best' friends and we have all been friends since we were 14-15. We are a nice bunch and over the years our group has grown and shrunk as people float in an out of each of our lives and they are/were all my mates but i really only would count the original 3 as my true 'i can count on you for anything' friends because they are like my family.

Kim82 · 23/05/2014 10:08

I don't have any real friends I could rely on at all outside of my family. I don't mind though as my two sisters are my best friends and I'm perfectly happy with that. I know they'd drop everything in a heartbeat if I need them and I'd do the same for them. I do have other friends I see occasionally but I wouldn't trust them with any secrets and if I had a problem they probably wouldn't help so I don't rely on them.

If I fancy a night out or need someone to talk to then I call either one of my sisters, we don't go more than a day or two without seeing, texting or speaking to each other. I guess I'm just lucky that I happen to be related to my friends...

TheWordFactory · 23/05/2014 10:23

I have a constant friend who I have known over twenty years and was my bridesmaid. She moves very frequently with her job so I only see her a few times a year but I trully love her and she will be in my life forever. I also have another close friend (a school mum friend) and she has become sa constant too. I see her most weeks. Apart from those two I have always had lots of people I hang with wherever I live,or wherever I work (I'm a loud sociable type) but not the same as those two. They won't be constant and am sure we will lose touch at some point.

TheWordFactory · 23/05/2014 10:26

I suppose also (though it sounds toe curling) that DH is my best friend. We share the same interests and have a real laugh. I go out with him more than my friends really.

Bonsoir · 23/05/2014 10:38

Why do you think it sounds toe curling to say your DH is your best friend, Word? My DP is most definitely my best friend and I am most definitely his and I find this entirely normal and straightforward, not toe curling!

Jellybellymummyofsix · 23/05/2014 10:39

Reading this thread, it's apparent that 'friends' are very personal. Often if you have sisters/family/dp or dh you won't feel the 'need' for friends.

My family situation has changed beyond recognition this last year. I feel so isolated & lonely now, its impossible for me to create the support, I had just a year ago.

Bindibach · 23/05/2014 10:41

I have moved around my whole life so have had many friends over the years. Born in Aus, moved to UK late teens and have moved around about 20 times. I think I got to the stage a couple of years ago when I decided that I didn't like the friends I had as the friendships were a bit one sided and they had run their course. I do have lots of acquaintances that I keep in touch with through email . I actually prefer my own company and that of my DH and my daughter and son. They are grown ups now but with them I can be my true self. Didn't realise when I had kids that one day they would turn out to be such close friends. I think being an only child I have never needed friendships as I had to rely on myself a lot. Friends can be great don't get me wrong but I just cant be bothered anymore.

clenchthebuttocks · 23/05/2014 13:23

This seems a good place to ask if anyone is going to Workfest in London on 7th June?

I lived in Surrey for a long time too nes and thats. The social climbing thing was a big reason for me moving away. Now on the south coast but often back in Surrey during school holidays.

Bindibach · 23/05/2014 13:30

Clench definitely not me. I am starting up my own business at the moment but I live a long way from London and its a different world to the one I live in now. Did live there for 10 years before children though.

catbus · 23/05/2014 19:30

I'm useless at making friends. We are in a new area now and I know one good friend, although I'd like to meet more and go out of an evening etc.. I'm a bit limited though as not currently driving and in a village.
Also I find that I'm not what you'd call mainstream and yet not an out an out hippy. I don't seem to fit in any particular group
I'm in Cornwall btw

Nasturtium89 · 23/05/2014 22:28

I just realised the only person I spoke to verbally today was a shop assistant, just niceties O_O scary!

LibraryMum8 · 24/05/2014 05:36

One good friend that is out of state whom I've known for 12 years. I had one friend here but she went back to work and was kind if a 'user' friend so we haven't seen each other for a long time.

I haven't made any good friends here. When your kids are older everyone had their set and really isn't looking for any friends either. I do get lonely but I've tried for three years and honestly it's all too tiring any more!

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