I want to end my marriage but don't know if I can

[SunInTheNight]

NC for this. Together 17 years, 3 DC's aged 12, 10 and 8. I'm late 40's, he's early 50's. Second marriage for both. My first was child free, he has two other children in their 20's.

I want to end the marriage. I am not happy, I haven't been for several years. He is not a bad man, complacent maybe and guilty of not addressing issues. The main problem which is becoming unbearable for me is that I no longer have any sexual desire for him. He would like to have sex every day. I would happily never have sex with him again. We have sex between 1 and 3 times a week I suppose.

It's not a case of loss of libido on my part, I fancy other men and 'take matters into my own hands' regularly.

I'm guilty of just letting things go, not addressing issues at the time, putting my needs last and so on. I feel like it's my fault that I don't fancy him any more but I can't force it, I can't help how I feel. I can't imagine it ever changing though.

The trouble is I'm a 'pleaser' I don't know how to put me first, 'I don't hurt people', I find it very hard to cause conflict, I've always been a 'good girl', done the 'right thing', done as I'm told.

My worst fear is hurting my children. I fear the disapproval of my family.

I just know that I cannot go on like this for the rest of my life.

Sun, I'm sorry, I have no advice but am in a similar situation and trying to weigh up the situation. I had 2 children in my first marriage and do not want to put our child through that again, but the thought of hanging on until she's old enough is daunting.

I avoid conflict and do what I can for others all the time. This makes it very difficult for me to have the necessary conversation with dh.

Have you told dh how you feel? Do you think counselling would help?

Sorry I can't offer advice, but if you want to chat or exchange thoughts feel free to pm me.

I'm very worried that you're having sex several times a week with someone you have no desire for. I hear what you're saying about pleasing others and I don't know what mechanism you're using to be able to endure that kind of forced intimacy, but it must be seriously damaging what sounds like already low self-esteem and making you feel very depressed.

Are you saying that you are not assertive in other aspects of the relationship as well? Does 'letting things go' and his complacency that you describe mean that things usually go his way? And would that be purely because you don't like conflict or is there any element of control or bullying present on his part?

I can only speak from my own experience but, whenever I've found a partner unattractive, it's usually because they've annoyed/upset me or I've lost respect for them in some way.

kazza I've not told him how I feel. I know that if/when I do that the pain won't just be mine any longer. It's partly a control thing I know, I'll have lost control of the situation. I know it sounds mad written down but it's like I'm absorbing it for everyone else.

Cogito the sex sometimes makes me feel angry, it makes me despise him for wanting me when I don't want him. I deal with it by switching off, I count to myself over and over again and other stuff.

I find being assertive hard. Housework is another example pre-kids we shared 50:50 and also when I was working and the first two were small. Then I was a SAHM for 7 years and naturally took on more (most). Then I went back to work full time 2 years ago but not much has changed. He cooks but that's about it.

He's not actively bullying or controlling at all but does always say how busy he is, why he can't do things, everything is too difficult for him so I just pick it up.

He's a push over with the kids when it comes to discipline he just complains to me about what they do (as if he expects me to deal with it), does things they should be doing himself (which gives him more to moan about) or blows up and shouts at them (which they ignore as he does it so often).

Yes, I've lost respect for him. He only shows me affection when he wants sex. He doesn't compliment me for being slim, he tells me I'm skinny and women 'shouldn't have a six pack and no tits'.

He does have good points too - honest. These are just the bad bits. :-/

I don't think you can realistically 'absorb' this any more. Keep brushing everything under the carpet and your resentment and unhappiness is likely to start affecting your physical and mental health. I feel rather sorry for your children growing up in the environment you describe. It's very damaging for a child to feel trapped in someone else's miserable marriage and, be under no illusion, they will know that the way you relate to each other is wrong.

Please call a halt to unwanted sex as a first step. You are entitled to say no and he should respect that. If he doesn't then you're in sexual abuse territory - very serious. I'd also recommend you seek personal counselling to help you work out why you are so afraid of asserting yourself and why you tolerate mistreatment. I'm sure he does have good points but that doesn't excuse the other.

What Cogito wrote. Stop absorbing this and start making definitive plans to leave.

What do you get out of this relationship now, what is really keeping you within this still?. Your need to still"people please". Look where that's got you. You also sound codependent in relationship terms and you likely learnt how to do and be that from one of your own parents. I would suggest you start reading "Women who love too much" by Robin Norwood and "Codependent No More" written by Melodie Beattie.

Love your own self for a change. Counselling for you alone would be certainly a good idea, you need to talk in a both controlled and safe environment.

Your children are perhaps wondering why you and their dad are still together and they won't thank you for staying with him. They see far more than you realise and they also sense all the unwritten tension and unhappiness on your face and in your day to day life. Do you want to teach them that your loveless marriage is actually how adults relate to each other in relationships?.

Thanks Cogito and Attila. We are about to go on holiday for a couple of weeks - guaranteed to compound any problems eh?

I had some counselling a few months ago but I wasn't ready to move on then. I am now so, I will go back.

I have to go now and finish packing. I will take on board what you've said and I will be back.