Ending a long term friendship..?

[TheOneAndOnlyAlpha]

More of a WWYD I guess. There is five of us. We've been together since we were nine, some of us since preschool. We've all been very close, surviving university apart, boyfriends, time abroad etcs. We are now mid thirties, 4 of us with children.

My best friend from this group made some extremely hurtful comments one drunken evening about 12 years ago, and our relationship never recovered. She said some awful things which although I forgive (I have never seen anyone so drunk) I can't forget as she pushed some very sensitive buttons. We never spoke of this but I distanced myself. Gatherings and dinners continued.

Then, when I was heavily pregnant I received an email again saying some very hurtful things. I know her family was going through some very difficult times, and I'm guessing this email was part of her dealing with it. Nevertheless, I cried for days. After having my son, I suffered PND and underwent counselling, during which both the conversation years ago and the email kept creeping back.

I'm recovered now, though I can't forget what she did. We still all meet, always together, and our children are friends (though my son not so much being the youngest and I live further away - 3 others live in the same village).

I've noticed that when we meet, days before I become anxious and the old PND triggers appear. We are all very civil, and have a 'nice' time, but it causes me great stress.

So. I feel I should perhaps end this friendship. But doing so will alienate me from the wider group and I would miss her son.

I genuinely don't know whether to grin and bear it, or end it, resulting in an awkward 'second' group.

Thanks for reading.

Anyone?

I would try to gentle and graciously leave the friendship. I was in a slightly similar situation and although making the decision to leave was hard and it was initially upsetting, long term it was the right decison.

I had feelings of dread before I met up with the group and always felt unsettled and upset after. It was completely the right choice for me and I'm very glad I did.

Do you have other friends who are not part of this group x

Yes, I do. But I would like to stay in touch with the other 3. It would be awkward not only friendship wise but logistically. And I suspect in the end I would lose another friendship due to 'taking sides'.

Another concern is that I never confronted or mentioned either the drunken evening or the email to her face. I know I should have but I was just too hurt, and chicken I guess.

What do you think might happen if you confront her? Do you think it might clear the air?

My situation was a bit different to yours. When I "left" the friendship group, one of the other girls took me out for a drink and tried to speak to me about it. I resolutely refused to engage and just kept things really pleasant and light and basically made my excuses. Because although I was angry and upset with how they had behaved towards me, I didn't want to have any arguments or say anything I regretted. I hoped that it might be a temporary break and that I might resume the friendship with the group or one or two of them.

As it happened several years later, one of them did get in touch and I think there would have been a chance to re-join the group.

Do you think a temporary extrapolation might be the way forward?

She sounds nasty. But you're a group, not a pair. If you break the group, the others might resent it. I don't know, I'm not good at personal relationships, but I think I might tread carefully.

Thanks everyone. It's such a hard decision to make so I really appreciate the replies. In many ways this feels harder than ending a romantic relationship!

ifiwill she's not nasty nasty, she just said nasty things if that makes sense. Her family are extremely complex and she suffered a bereavement so I can see how the email was cathartic for her... But I no longer want to be the one who suffers to make her feel better.

I think before you do this you should speak to her about it and tell her how you feel. I didn't use the word confront as its such a loaded word and i also hate 'confronting' people just using that word makes me nervous.

If you could tell her how you feel I think it will help you with your decision, she may feel really bad and want to make amends. If she doesn't then I think you have your answer.

Friendship issues can be as painful as any other relationship break up.

I think you have held all this in far too long. How did you respond to the email, which was more likely to have been written sober? You need to tell her how you feel and what damage she has done. This would be the first step in taking back some control here. You could email her?

and if the others take sides and don't wish to continue the friendship, then they were never your true friends.

Thanks cereal. I replied to the email saying I was shocked and did she want to end the friendship, to which she said no. That was it. I was entirely chicken and we didnt mention it again.

Well she will do it again and again. I think you must say something, for your peace of mind.

Start with an email/letter and use it to gather your thoughts. Then once you have said what you need, send, or use it as a basis for a conversation?