Do you actually tell your friends when they upset you or do you just act as though it doesn't bother you?

[Tangerinefairy]

I feel pathetic writing this. I've had 2 weird incidents with friends this week. I should start by saying I am generally a very happy person who is lucky enough to have lots of really great, supportive friends and I am also close to lots of my colleagues.

Anyway, first of all a very longstanding friend and colleague really humiliated me at work in front of several staff members including 2 students that I am responsible for. I don't want to go into details but she is basically getting very het up about a forthcoming inspection at our workplace and her various anxieties are being taken out on others, myself included. It was a really embarrassing situation, totally uncalled for and in the end I left the room basically saying "wow, you seem pretty certain that I am going to screw this up for you!". 5 minutes later she came to find me to say that she was terribly sorry, she didn't mean it, she knows I know my job, I am marvellous etc.....I was really angry and upset about it but because I totally loathe confrontation and didn't want her to be upset I just said "It's fine, don't worry" Then I spent that evening feeling really humiliated about what she had said especially in front of so many people.

Today a lovely friend sent a group email concerning a hobby that many of our friendship group take part in. She had attached some photos to the email of a big party that she'd recently had and said that it was fabulous, thanks to all, they had an amazing time. I wasn't invited to the party....boo hoo! I realise how pathetic that sounds but I consider this person to be one of my really good friends. We've been through all sorts together. Shortly after I received the email I got a panicked text from her asking if I was upset by the pics and she was terribly sorry and it was only a small, spontaneous thing (it didn't look like either!) and could we meet up soon. I think because of the first incident today I felt really cut to the quick about it but of course I texted back "No problem at all, hope to catch up with you soon".

Do you behave like that or are you honest with your friends when they upset you? I don't know what's wrong with me, I seem to spend my entire life trying to avoid confrontation and then feeling really upset about it.

Your friend who held the party knew she had been a cow by not inviting you, otherwise she would not have thought there was anything to be sorry about.

Yes, I always tell people when they have done something unpleasant that upsets me. I accept the apology, if I believe it is sincere, but I never say something is fine if it is not.

When I was younger, I was the opposite. I have more friends and a better and happier life now.

seriously both of these incidents would deeply upset anybody!

However from experience, and I am not easily offended it is best to say really if you value the friendship as things can easily be misconstrued.

In the case of the work situation that just sounds like she is under stress and I wouldn't take it personally. She did also try to explain and back track and why would she bother if she meant what she had said. If it's a one off I'd let it go and put it down to her being under pressure.

The second incident though would also really upset me but could easily have an innocent explanation. With Facebook and stuff it is easy to get the wrong end of the stick. If your friend called to check it doesn't sound as if she doesn't care for you so could you just ask her or make a joke of it and see what she says?

I think your response was good but i would be tempted to get in touch with her and ask if you have upset her and is that why you weren't invited and then she can explain what actually happened???

Feel for you, that's crap, if it's the first time I'd let it go and accept the apology, she probably feels shit too.

You've had a double whammy with the other friend, oh dear, not nice, I think if I was you I'd stop considering her as a lovely friend and more of a fair weathered one and treat her like that, that way, she can't hurt you again.

You reacted brilliantly to both situations btw, well done!

I think your response was good but i would be tempted to get in touch with her and ask if you have upset her and is that why you weren't invited and then she can explain what actually happened???

Very good idea!

In the work situation, I think it would be fine to let your colleague know you were upset. You could make a meeting with them and sit down and say, I wanted to spend a bit of time planning how we are going to handle this inspection because I was quite upset yesterday about how you spoke to me. However, I wouldn't go beyond that, or even do that myself, I would ignore their unprofessionalism and get on with my bit of the job, but perhaps be more assertive if she said anything again/

In the second example, this is just bad luck. What can you say- you should have invited me to your party?

I tend not to say anything because in my experience, unless you are being bullied systematically or anything like that, drawing attention to it and discussing it tends to make it last longer. I pretend I haven't noticed and just carry on but on a professional/friendly basis but with firm boundaries, so if someone started raising their voice, I would say 'please don't raise your voice at me'. No-one ever seems to agree with me on these threads, but friendships in particular thrive on easy-going not taking offence behaviour and 'calling your friends out' will just result in fewer friends, not better friendships, especially as they haven't done anything wrong except something tactless for which they apologised.

Also, in both situations, the people said sorry very promptly and tried to repair the damage- your work colleague in stressing how it was her and how great you are, and your friend in explaining why you weren't invited and it was an inpromptu thing- how do you know it wasn't? It's up to you if you want to stir the hornets nest but given both have apologised and explained, I can't see what you would gain by reiterating your upset except another apology and explanation.

Thanks so much everyone, you have cheered me up. The thing is BOTH of these women are really lovely people. I honestly don't think, well actually I know that they wouldn't have set out to hurt me. My friend/colleague is indeed under alot of stress and I totally feel for her but it sort of annoyed me that she got into such a state while trying to apologise that I never actually got to say "To be honest, even though I accept your apology I still feel humiliated especially in front of the 2 students!" Plus she has done things like this before.....but she is such a dear, lovely person most of the time!

With the photos I should have said, I replied to the email to briefly give info about a sports event that we are all taking part in and she obviously clicked and thought "Oh no"! She did offer a sort of explanation for the party and lack of invite (which she is obviously didn't have to!) and I'm sure it was true, it was just a bit upsetting anyway. I don't want to be a twit about it though.

I do wish I could be a bit more like you though badtime. I just find it so embarrassing, goodness knows why.

I think what I mean Thenapoleonofcrime is that I didn't, in either situation even say "I was actually quite upset about that" instead I imediately acted as though it hadn't bothered me and I was fine. I am the first to accept an apology, I totally get that people make mistakes and speak out of turn etc but I am sort of sick of myself not being able to say anything other than "it's fine".

Sorry, I didn't see your first post Thenapoleonofcrime. Yes, I basically agree with you about the friendship thing. We are all busy people, it is easy to unintentionally offend people etc. With the work thing I think I may address it and it will be easier to do that when I'm not actually still upset about it. Thank you anyway, good advice.

Tangerine, it might not suit you to express yourself in this way. It may be better for you just to learn not to dwell on things. There are techniques you can learn to help with this. If you make a conscious choice to just let things go, that can also help you get past upsetting incidents like this.

Yes, I do get that, saying 'yes I was a bit upset' would have been good. Unfortunately the moment has really passed and bringing it up now isn't a good idea-although I still think you could approach your colleague to tackle the issue of the inspection and her behaviour may come up again and you would then get to say your piece.

Friends- well, that's a different story and I don't want personally to be friends with people who are always having their say. That may be my loss, but the last time someone tackled me with a 'I just want to get this off my chest', I mentally crossed them off my friend list, especially as I hadn't actually done the thing they thought I had done. As I say this may be their loss but I don't want stroppy friends. I sometimes feel a little hurt by the things my friends do, like don't call for ages, or say something a little tactless, but some of them have been my friends for 25 years and I don't think focusing on these small slights is a good thing. Plus I slighted one of my good friends once and she forgave me!

In this situation though, it might make you think about whether you are as good friends as you hoped. I would go and see this friend and see how she is with you- you will see whether it was just a one off where things came together spontaneously as they sometimes do or whether there's less of a friendship circle than you perhaps thought.

Thanks Thenapoleonofcrime and badtime. I think you both "get it"! It's not that I want to be one of those people who constantly speaks their mind regardless of the consequences, I can't stand people who are like that, it's just that sometimes I feel as if I can barely be differentiated from a doormat in friend type situations.....I'm not like that with my DP, I am totally honest with her and speak really frankly.

Having said that I must be doing something right, I have lots of lovely, caring, thoughtful people in my life and some friends that I have known for years and years. Maybe I'm just having a weird week!

I think that could be true!