Someone please please help me.

[Imsuchamess]

I have scizoaffective disorder diagnosed by my second psychiatrist and the psychiatrists at a psychiatric unit. I was stable on olanzapine but gained too much weight. So I was switched to aripiprazole.

Shortly after I was switched I attempted suicide as My psychiatrist was on holiday My case was passed over to a new doctor. The new doctor ignored that I was perfectly stable on olanzapine for a while and keeps saying that he thinks I have bpd as the meds are not working but he is unwilling to accept I was stable on my last medication and said if the meds are not working I must of been wrongly diagnosed so he is taking me off my medication.

I've seen many doctors up crisis who have tried to switch my meds but as soon as he gets wind of it he puts a stop to it and tells me off saying I'm going around him.

Well I've been believing I'm the angel of darkness and that I need to sleep with abusive men. So they get punished by God. Today a Sado masochist broke up with me. I'm finding it hard now I know I'm crazy but now I have to find someone else abusive.

I've also turned to drugs and the voices are urging me to go on harder drugs. I'm so alone I just want to die. I cannot take this pain no more. I have had enough. I don't like the voices they are so loud and no one will make them stop!

I don't want to be this way anymore.

It's painful now I can't do what the voices tell me too. I just want to be abused to shut them up!
I'm so scared I don't want to lose my medications. While they are not stopping my psychosis fully they do calm it down.

This has taken everything from me I hate hate hate it. It's like a cancer eating away at me and the only way to be rid of it is if I die. I told all this to my psychiatrist yesterday and he sent me home saying he was gonna stop my meds he is not offering therapy or any alternative. He is seeing me in three months when he will stop my meds.

There is no where left for me to hide and I am being forced down the road of drug addict and I won't be like my father.

I also asked for my cpn back as I was discharged when I was well on the olanzapine but he said no.

You are so brave OP. And your psychiatrist should be ashamed of himself. What a complete twat. I'm furious for you.

SO glad you called Mind and that they are pointing you in the right direction.

Sending all my love to you and your family.

Hugs op.

Thanks all in case anyone was wondering this man has never met my children.

Block his number. Now. His is one voice you really don't have to hear any more. Ever.

Please take care of yourself. For you and your dc.xxx

How do I block his number?

www.bt.com/includingyou/calling-easier-unwanted-calls.html

Mobile phones differ from phone to phone. If you tell us which mobile you have, we can post instructions.

I only have a mobile it's a iPhone 5c on ee.

www.pcadvisor.co.uk/how-to/mobile-phone/3442391/how-block-number-on-iphone/

Thank you very much.

Calling the community mental health team might be another option for you. Especially if you feel you are reaching crisis point.

I am very sorry to hear what you went through. Have you had any therapy in relation to the abuse you went through as a child? The voices seem to have the theme of 'you need to be punished'. Please know that this is not true.

Hopefully you can change your psychiatrist. It sounds like the current one is dismissive of your opinions and will not let you have much involvement in planning your treatment. It may not be a good idea to rely on medication alone though.

I was sexually abused by two people my mothers boyfriend when I was 8 and my first love when I was aged 13-15. I have had therapy to deal with the abusive relationship. But I have not had any therapy to deal with the abuse I suffered age 8 as I repressed the memories though displayed all the symptoms of being abused and would have nightmares of it where I would talk about it in my sleep my partner informed me of this. This guy knew I had symptoms of sexual abuse and no memories from age 8-9 and that I suspected that my mothers boyfriend at that time abused me. He pushed and pushed and pushed until he triggered the memories to re surface that was about 6 months ago. So a part of me is not really sure if it happened or not. I have not had therapy to deal with the resurfaced memories nor have I told anyone.

I always had small flashes of memories of him doing inappropriate things but they were glimpses mere seconds I think over the course of the year he and my mum were together I only had about 10 minutes of memories. I discussed all this with him and he just kept on pushing talking about how I must of felt physically and mentally even though I asked him to stop he continued. Then it was like a wall collapsing and all the memories came flooding back. In my heart I believe it's true. But my head keeps casting doubt about it.

But I have decided true or not I have the memories and the feelings and symptoms of a abuse victim and as a result will be seeking therapy for this privately. But once I am more stable at the moment I don't feel strong enough to face this.

I also need to save up money for private therapy. The reason I want to go private is because i can't talk about it to my current psychiatrist and when I get a new one I want to focus on getting my mental illness under control so I am in a better place to deal with it head on.

Get an advocate, they will help you to talk to your psychiatrist.

Ask for a second opinion.

If this is your true diagnosis the correct therapy can help.

It must be horrifying to revisit these memories. I'm glad that you have made the decision to seek therapy when you are feeling more ready to face it. I know that it will be difficult to go through but in the end I think it will help with your overall wellbeing. It seems that the voices may be a way of your subconscious trying to force you to recognise what happened. Maybe if you recognise this they will have less power over you. While you are saving up for private therapy it may be worth seeing what kind of resources are available free of charge or online. The mind website has some further details:

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/guides-to-support-and-services/abuse/sexual-abuse/

Oh you poor thing. I know nothing about this, but just wanted to offer some sympathy and love, and I hope you begin to feel better soon.

You do have to try and take some control of your own life, your doctor/ psychiatrist can't help you fully if you continue to allow people to drag you down. This man is a bloody nutcase, for god sake tell him never to contact you again. Block his number, tell him you will call the police if he phones you again. This sounds like a very dangerous man to be anywhere near your children. Do what you can to help yourself and your children and get this piece of filth out of your life once and for all.

I intend to heyday I intend to get rid of him. And like I said he has and will never meet my children.

Block the guy's number. Talk to mind in the morning. For now, have a cuppa and try and relax.

Sending you a massive hug and hope you feel better soon - there really is light at the end of the tunnel.

Thank you corygal.

Good luck today with getting rid of your Psychiatrist.

I hope you can get a new one who can help with all your problematic memories and feelings and actually listens to you (or at least reads your notes! )

Thanks badtime. I haven't gone up yet I have a stomach bug and can't stop being sick.