Should the way dp parents his ds affect my relationship with him?

[ocelet1]

I have been in a relationship with dp for over a year. He largely lives with me and my dc. My eldest dc is the same age as his only ds (14/15).

He is great with my dc but doesn't really have to parent them.

I didn't realise though, what a situation they have with his ds. His ds quite often doesn't go to school. Dp's ex-w says she can't force him to go in so when he says he doesn't want to, he just doesn't bother. Yesterday he came back from school with a ripped shirt so he said he had to go to M and S at 8 today to get one. Dp said to me, I bet he won't go into school afterwards and I said but surely you need to make him, and he said I can't physically drag him out of the car. He is in trouble at school as he has been accused of bullying other children and buying things like those shisha tabs and selling them. (I think there is an element of him being bullied too tbh). He sees the school counsellor regularly. My issues is that take today, he hasn't gone into school but it appears to me that dp and his ex-w reward him for not going in by spending the day with him. I just spoke to dp now and him and ds were having breakfast then off to dp's work (he runs a bar) to help stock up. Dp's excuse was that ds could help him at work. The ex-w will pick him up later.

I just can't get my head around this at all. I would never treat my children this way and I know his ds found their break up quite hard but all they seem to be doing is rewarding him every time he skips school. Also every time he gets into trouble at school, he bursts into tears and says the other children are being nasty to him and to me, this appears to be totally made up, a fact the school are trying to get across to dp/ex-w (I have seen the letters from the school). Dp/ex-w choose to believe their own child (fair enough) but it means he is never being punished.

I can stay out of this, ds never comes and stays with us as he refuses to but it is changing my view of dp. Or should it? Should i just ignore it and let them parent ds as they see fit. I am concerned that at some stage the school will lose patience and involve outside services - if I am asked for my opinion i will be honest as I do not think they are doing him any favours (and I have told dp this). (The school is a private school which is why I don't think any have been involved as yet)....

If you want a child with him in the future, then this will really matter.

If not, it looks as though you are losing respect for him, which is never good in a relationship.

I would find this very difficult, as for me it would be a total opposite way of parenting to mine. No way would I let this have started to happen with my DCs. Your DP and his ex are teaching their child that it's ok to pick and choose when you go to school - what do they expect the child will do once he has a job? - he'll pick and choose when he does and doesn't go. This is really shitty parenting, IMO.

Sorry, but I think you'll be dealing with this parenting for a LONG time - as these habits will I imagine extend long into adulthood.

I would also worry what message it would be sending to YOUR children.

You are normal and are reacting to an abnormal situation! You are lucky, you don't have to see it at home every day because I've been there and believe me it's drives you up the wall!

Your DP basically is a lazy parent as is the ex, the poor lad will suffer a bleak future with no proper education or responsibility.

Sorry but even when he leaves school he won't really look for a job, he'll look for the easy life and no doubt both his parents will allow it - let them get on with it but I can totally understand you losing respect for your partner, being a parent isn't about giving in, it's about teaching them how to live independent lives, his son is learning none of that.

You'll have to ignore it and keep your opinions to yourself unless asked, as long as it's not affecting your home life then don't waste your energy on it.

we're too old to have children and my dc aren't aware of what is going on with his ds (totally different schools) but still...I don't like the message it might give my dc at all if they found out but also I think they would respect dp less if they knew.

yes, the losing respect is what worries me. Also I feel sorry for their ds - I can't see what future they think he will have if they can't put their foot down with him and tbh I can't understand why they can't do it. I know they feel guilty. I also know that dp has tried in small ways in the past and his ex-w has sometimes overruled him because she feels she can't control him (ds has thrown things at ex-w before). I think they have completely lost control of him - ex-w said last week it is as if ds thinks he can do exactly what he wants. Difficulty is she blames dp for leaving - says he has become that way as dp isn't there to control him thereby takes away any responsibility on herself to try and changes things. She isn't actively parenting him at all, just waits for him to screw up then phones dp and screams at him down the phone that he isn't there to sort it out!

thanks Jan