So here's the deal. Started seeing someone back last year. Was very into him. He said he was me. It got pretty intense and serious very quickly. I was and felt deeply in love. After just a few weeks something started to bother me. I felt a cooling. I felt insecure and I felt that the relationship was fizzling out. I ended it saying I couldn't sustain a relationship with someone that blew hot and cold. He didn't put up any kind of resistance and after a couple of failed conversations I finally sent a text saying that we should draw a line under it and stay away from each other. Deleted his numbers from my phone. Deleted all text conversation and made sure that I didn't bump into him at all. No contact I think it's called. It was working for me relatively well. However, not a day went by when I didn't think about him. Wonder what he was up to. Think about the relationship we had until it went wrong. Had silly thoughts about what it would be like if we ever bumped into each other again etc etc....
This was maintained for 4 months. I am happy. Have been on a couple of dates but not really interested in any of them. I haven't been in the least bit worried about seeing anyone really. Life is feeling pretty nice to be honest. I am feeling confident and secure.
I admit to having those thoughts that was it real love that I felt? Was it one of the things you hear other people talk about but isn't a real thing? Just childish daydreaming? I am a pretty cynical person and not sure if there is such a thing a 'the one'. But I just couldn't get the damn man out of my head and he was there every day, several times a day. Sometimes it was anger, sometimes it was loving fond memories, sometimes it was a pure longing to see him and be in his arms again.
So to the point. Four weeks ago he got in touch. Tentatively. He asked me to do some work for him at first. I agreed but was thinking, is this the right thing to be doing? You might go and fall in love with him again. I didn't listen and went ahead with the work. The contacts and visits increased. He started to be more and more friendly. I started to feel unsettled but in a nic way if you know what I mean. I realised the old attraction was still there. I was very careful with my words (and actions) when dealing with him. He was being pretty careful too. I realised pretty soon on that he still desired me. But I concluded that it was just a bloke looking for a leg over.
In the end I had 'the talk'. Said that I didn't want to go there again. I was happy on my own. Not looking to get embroiled in such an intense relationship again. He saw my point but said that he had never stopped thinking about me. Said he was unbelievably hurt when it all ended and had spent the last four months trying to pick up the courage to call me and try to explain or work out what had gone wrong. Said he has never stopped loving me and has missed me dreadfully. Doesn't want to imagine life without me even if it means a friendship and not a physical relationship.
So dear readers. What do I do? My heartfelt inclination is to go very slowly and carefully and see what happens. My brainfelt inclination is to say it didn't work out last time it won't work out now. I am aware I am very much in the driver's seat at the moment and have said I absolutely do not want to have a full blown relationship with him.
However, I have admitted to him that I have thought a lot about him and that I missed him too. But I want to make it clear that this must be the relationship it should be. An open one, an honest one and I need to be able to trust him (and myself) that we are both on the same page as to what we want.
Hold my hand? Or tell me to ditch and run? This could have a lovely ending or just fizzle again. Shall I be putting a coat of armour around my heart or should I be just letting it happen knowing full well, if it all goes tits up again, I will hurt but I will recover?
Long story I know and thanks for reading. Any opinions from you lot?