Am I the only one to be left by a husband and feel completely bewildered?

[lotusleaf2]

Six days ago my husband left me and our children. He had been a bit disengaged for the previous 4 weeks but gave absolutely no indication that he was thinking of ending the marriage or that his low mood was a reflection of anything happening in the relationship. He was out of the home more than usual and seemed agitated. Like many people, I thought it was work related stress.

There could be another woman, but I do not have even the slightest idea of who/where/why etc.

Obviously I am struggling with all of it, and feel devastated, lost, betrayed, all those terrible emotions. However the part I have the most difficulty with is that he says he has been unhappy for years and hasn't loved me for a very long time. He really did not show this, everyone who knows us as a couple would say he was delighted in our marriage and very loving towards me. He was his usual loving, kind, protective self towards me as recently as a month ago. I feel as though I am going crazy as how could I not notice my husband was not happy and did not love me for years and years as he is saying. I genuinely felt everything was great.

Am I crazy? A complete fool? Blind? Has anyone had any experience of this kind of thing and if so, how do you manage to turn off the constant buzzing in your mind trying to make sense of such an unexpected and shocking situation? Thank you for any replies, even if they are just to confirm that yes, I must be mad.

to OP and all of you going through this.

It happened to me a few years ago now, same thing, really didn't see it coming, look back not the type, no signs, bolt from the blue.

but one thing I can say with confidence is however bleak life seems (and I really felt as if my life was over) you can get through this and have a better life. I remember reading that on mn (and got so much wonderful support on here) and at the time thought 'no way' but it's true, I have a lovely peaceful life now, dcs are okay, exh still unhappy but its no longer my problem.

best of luck to you all

So sorry for you OP, it's not your fault.
Happened to my sister- exactly the same thing. There's a website called Wife Abandonment syndrome and seems to happen to lots people:
WHAT IS WIFE ABANDONMENT SYNDROME (W.A.S.)?
A woman has experienced WIFE ABANDONMENT SYNDROME if:
She believed she was in a good stable marriage until her husband surprised her out-of-the-blue with the news that it was over

She was completely unaware that he was thinking of leaving, or even unhappy

He moved out quickly (often with a girlfriend)

From the moment of his announcement, his treatment of his wife changed dramatically from protective to persecuting

www.runawayhusbands.com/

Hope your ok op

Oh BrunoBrookesDinedAlone you made me lol!!

Yes, OP, it's quite a common thing to happen unfortunately.

Just over a year ago me and my husband were looking at houses and very nearly put in an offer on one (I didn't want the huge mortgage though). Good job we didn't buy it!

He started changing around the same time - distant, not eating with the family, going out with work a lot more (straight from work at 5pm and i had to listen to our 3 boys asking why daddy was going out again and not putting them to bed). Totally convinced me there was no OW although I was suspicious of someone he worked with...

Then found a receipt - he'd bought her and me a present but told me she'd paid for it when i questioned him.

He stayed out til 4am one night, and then 6am on his birthday last July. Moved out on August 3rd.

Oh and the wedding anniversary card he sent me in April was very relevant to our wedding (he serenaded me and the card had the words from the song on it). Wrote in it that he loved me so much and still wanted to grow old with me.

TOSSER!!!

Forgot to add he moved in with the OW and her kids 5 weeks after he left, introduced our kids to her/them 2 weeks after that. He's still with her now although friends who work with them both don't think it'll last as she's known as the office tart. Who knows. I have zero respect for him now.

Really hope you're ok OP. I lost a stone with all the stress and i was only 9 stone to begin with. xx

OP, next time you get any of that nonsense from him, why don't you just cut and paste the 'Script' into an email, or print it out to hand to him? And just say - 'Can I stop you there for a minute. You are aware that you are following the Script, aren't you? I only ask because most people are familiar with it, as am I, so it's getting a bit embarassing because I assume you think I don't know the score. Here's a copy of it for you. Yes, it's a well known piece. By the way, I hope she's worth it!'

So sorry that you are having to deal with this. What a shock.

Sometimes, 'I've felt this way for years' can be used as a way of avoiding having to explain what recent event has caused such a huge change of heart (one example might be when another woman has entered the scene but a man hasn't got the balls to admit it).

I think his treatment of you says a lot. I've posted on this before, but my ex's mum left his dad after 35 years, saying she hadn't been happy for about 10. However, she was terribly upset and racked with guilt about it all. She had been raising issues for years but getting nowhere. It took her a long time of talking with him and trying to improve things (months) before deciding to leave for good. Most people in a marriage where the aren't major flags that something is very wrong, such as addictions or abuse etc, but just a sense that they aren't really happy tend to hope there is something to salvage and try to work things out. To give up so fully and suddenly on a marriage, IMO, shows something could be a bit suspect. I mean, what was the final straw? To not have argued or anything before hand, and have him suddenly decide that that's the end of things is very odd.

Good advice for you on this thread, OP

He is rewriting history so he can feel he is ok in himself for treating like shit

he's not a Bad Guy, oh no, he's been "unhappy for years" but has been soldiering on for the sake of the family

No, he hasn't. He has recently decided this because he thinks it mitigates having his head turned by OW. It won't be long before she makes an appearance, by "coincidence" of course.

he is a weak and inadequate man...some time in the not too distant future you will understand this

not now, not even soon, but one day

treating you

lotus it's so shitty.

You are better than him. Get a SHL and protect your assets and your DCs future.

it's happening to me right now. I discovered my H's affair 2 months ago, I was so shocked and heartbroken. I was even more shocked when, instead of falling at my feet and begging for forgiveness, he said he hadn't been happy since the kids were born and had just been 'playing a role'- for the last 7 years?! We were happy, he was a devoted dad and husband. No clue at all. All our mutual friends are gobsmacked. The things he has said are just so hurtful. The affair had only been going on for a month when I found out, but they are already planning to move in together etc. He is so cold and emotionless about it all. He still maintains 'it's not that I left you for her', he is totally trying to rewrite history to ease his own guilt at what he has done.

My best advice to you is lean on your friends, tell people. take any offers of help and eat when you can. I have spent most weekends away at friends'houses. Keeping busy and being with people is all that keeps me going. Don't drive yourself mad trying to understand it all, you won't. Good luck xx

Please do let us know how you're getting on OP

All I can say is thank heavens for Mumsnet. If someone said that to me I would be devastated, and it really helps to see how, unfortunately, so many people pull that line out of their sleeves.
Best wishes