If your toxic mother has never got over her divorce how did you maintain a relationship with your fathers family?

[Lighthousekeeping]

That's it really. After 15 years she still goes on about him. I don't know how but my relationship with him and that side of the family has gone. I hear from him now and again. I'm going to be in granny's town next week. She will be too. I've got to go and see my dad's side it would be wrong not to. What do I say to them? It's not like I was a child when he broke free yet, my loyalty is somewhat still on her side. To her that is. I feel sick. My granny hasn't seen me for twenty years, how screwed up is that?

I didn't have trouble keeping in touch with dad's side of the family although mom talks bad about them non-stop. It's not been a problem even though I am NC with my dad. I don't need either one of them to reach out to aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.

You don't need permission. You just go, and you don't need mention it to your mum.

As for what to say to them, just say, it is a shame it has been so long. I would love to hear all about what ha seen happening and be open to telling them about you.

It sounds like you would like to see your granny. I think you should. I am the same as wrapdress, I don't see my father but have managed to maintain a lovely relationship with my aunt, uncle and cousins. It's very important to me and sounds like it is to you too.

When you have two parents, unless the reason for the break-up was some kind of terrible abuse, there isn't much place for loyalties. Whatever happened between them, no-one should be expecting you to take sides.

My parents still go on about it after 40. Toxic mother never misses an opportunity to talk about how horrible and unattractive my father is, and to liken me to him, and my father refers to my mother as a witch.

I've been accused of taking sides before and my response is always "I'm on my side." My side is a far more reasonable place to be than either of theirs.

What's strange about this situation is that normally she never stops asking about him to my brother and sister, she's become strangely quiet on the subject. I've even mentioned that I'm hanging around for afew days. No reaction at all.