Advice on kids coping

[Minion100]

I'd really love some help on working out how to handle things with my kids / divorce as I feel like they have been through so much.

My DH left due to depression almost a year ago. At first he saw the kids and I (one is his birth child and the other is his stepchild) and we considered it a temporary move so he could get space and recover, but as things with his depression got worse he stopped seeing us at all and it has now been about five months since he had any contact and he filed for divorce as he says he doesn't love me anymore. We had a great marriage before he was depressed, so I think all of this came about due to illness.

I am not so worried (yet) about DH's natural child as she is young and doesn't seem to have as many questions, but DH's stepchild (boy aged 11) seems to be really struggling with it.

He loved his Stepdad so much, was raised from a baby by him, and after being dumped by his natural Dad at birth I feel like this has hit him hard. He is just starting puberty and he is missing DH so much and I feel so helpless.

At first when DH left he was crying a lot but kept telling me he knew he'd be back. Then he realised that wasn't happening and got very angry. For the past few months or so has refused to talk about DH and does not want his name mentioned at all.

He also comfort eat a lot (I admittedly lost control of this because I was so devastated myself) and got chubby and the kids at school have been teasing him. I am working with him on exercising and we are slowly getting the extra weight off.

I feel like the kids have been through so much. I know for a long time I was a wreck and this must have affected them deeply and I feel so guilty.

Now my son was crying tonight for the first time in months, he says he misses DH but he is also so angry.

I have no idea what to do for the best. Try and get DH to see them? Or would that perhaps make it worse?

His illness has been so severe he has been suicidal so I think he has just lost the ability to feel or care so I am not sure he is fit to even react normally to the kids.

Can anyone advise on how to help children adjust to such a big change in their life when a parent just disappears like this? He was the world's most devoted and amazing father before this and he's left such a gap in their lives.

I am so worried about them growing up scarred, or about the hurt my little boy has that I can't take away. I have tried to be open and honest with them in so far as possible but I just think it's too hard for them to understand.

My son said tonight "nothing is ever going to be all right" and it breaks my heart.

Did your exH definitely have diagnosed depression and was he getting treatment before he left? Are school aware of the story & that your son is struggling so much? Have you told your son that he has every right to be angry and upset or have you been telling him that 'Dad loves him really but the illness mean he is not himself' ... i.e. making your DS feel that he's not allowed to be angry? I think, if you know where your exH is, you need to get word to him that his absence is causing the children distress and back it up legally if necessary.

Hi Cogito. Thanks for replying.

No, my stbXH did not know he was depressed until a long while after he left - perhaps 3 -4 months so at first I did not know what to tell the children because I did not know myself.

At the time he left he thought he was fine. With hindsight and a lot of research and talking to my own counsellor, I believe that when he left his he was in the midst of a manic episode (he was behaving incredibly strangely at that time spending money, being incredibly aggressive, staying awake all night and being sexually promiscuous) which then after a few months turned into a very dark depression at which point he sought medical help.

Because he did not visit the doctor during the period I call "the insanity", he has been diagnosed at present only with severe depression but I do feel convinced something else was going on.

Ye, the school are well aware and have been incredibly supportive. He I doing fine at school but just a bit more sensitive than usual.

I tell my son both - I reassure him that his Dad loves him and is ill, but I also tell him he is entitled to be angry and that I am also angry.

One of the reasons I haven't contacted DH is that I personally feel upset when I spend time with him. He feels very diferrent. Cold, unloving, completely empty of remorse for the pain he's caused and it makes me feel unsettled. I was worried he would do the same for the children.

The second reason is that I feel more severe MH issues are at play than just depression and so I was not sure if him being away from us was best.

I know if I ask him to see DS or help me with this situation he will probably write him a letter and beyond that he will tell me he cannot cope with more right now and "needs to be selfish for his own recovery".

To be honest, since this illness came and all his emotions were lost he suddenly seems to no longer consider his stepson to be his child. It's very sad, but I think he's just decided it's not his concern :(

Whatever the outcome I think your DS needs to see/hear/read it for himself. If this really was a big turnaround in behaviour and he has kept away for so long a child is going to make up information to fill in the gaps. Some of that information will involve self-reproach and suspicion that the adults are not telling him the truth.

This is incredibly sad. Your DH is suffering with serious mental health problems and I truly hope that he is now receiving the medical help that he needs. It's probably best that the children are not seeing him whilst he is like this as it would be very scary and confusing for them. Your poor little boy is really going through it and is right to be angry. I hope he can, in time, be angry with the illness and not the man as this torture has not been chosen by your DH. I think your son could do with some counselling so he can work through some of his pain and feelings. I did just google 'helping children understand the mental illness of a parent' and lots of sites came up, perhaps there is an organisation, Barnardos, for example that have people trained to offer help to young people going through this. Several years ago a friend of mine, who was the most amazing mother, became mentally very ill. She totally stopped loving her children whereas before the attack she lived and breathed for them. Sadly, although she did get somewhat better, she was never ever the same person again and the children never got their amazing mum back, just a damaged, unwell shadow of her former self. Your son may never get his step dad back and he is going to need so much support to deal with this second rejection by a father. I truly hope that, given time, this story can have a happy ending, however, I have quite a lot of experience of severe mental illness and I fear that there could be lots more heartache in store.

Thanks Cogito. I read your advice on here all the time and put a lot of stock in your wisdom so thank you for that. When you phrase it like that i can see the sense in him seeing it for himself...I have been trying to protect him but perhaps have had the opposite effect.

Thankyou Heyday, yes, it is very sad.

I do agree with understanding the concept of being angry with the illness and not the man, but almost a year on from this I have no idea myself how much of it I attribute to the man and how much to the illness.

I loved DH more than I could explain and we were so happy - it is very much like the friend to described. Before this he lived and breathed for me and the kids and now all his love for any of us is gone.

To be honest, I genuinely do not think he will ever be the same person. I think (knowing him) he will probably hate himself forever for what he's done. Ill or not, I do think an element of choice was at play too. He is a good man, but also sort of a coward. Horrible thing to say - but true.

I note you responded to the thread where the person was saying how bewildered and confused they were about their husband's sudden abandonment and allegations of 'not having been happy for years' which seemed to be totally opposite to his normal character. Their shock and sadness is palpable. My point being that it is perfectly possible for someone to behave incredibly selfishly and against type - all the things you described earlier - even when depression is not a factor at all.

So I'm glad you're saying that his diagnosis is not an excuse for his behaviour but I think the pity element is preventing you from going in with both fists on behalf of your kids. Yes, he chose this path. Yes, it makes him a coward. Worry a lot less about him hating himself etc and more about what his DS needs now.

Good advice Cogito. MI muddies the waters so much in knowing how to feel about anything.

Sorry cogito but how on earth can someone choose to be mentally ill? It's a living hell and sufferers very often end up losing everything that is dear to them. No, mental illness is not a choice and perhaps most of his un rational behaviour almost certainly isn't either. I think it's time now for OP to try to come to terms with it all, cry, grieve, be angry, be sad but then muster all her strength to help herself and her children to start to move on and deal with this pain. Please don't ever, ever think that having mental illness is a choice. Not many people choose to live in hell every waking moment I can assure you. I very much doubt that he chose this path but his damaged mind did. It does not make him a coward. It makes him a sad, unwell and troubled man who may well be unable to cope. But he now has to look out for himself and OP and her children need help and time to learn to heal some of the wounds.

please go to gp and ask for referral for your son to play therapist/counsellor/family therapist family therapist can help both you and DS deal with this.

you need some tools and proper support with this and family therapy services are best places, they can work with your son and you to get thru this.

you all suffering a kind of bereavement and specialist counselling/support will help. family therapist used various tools and strategies with my dds to get them to talk about what was going on etc. it has helped a lot. it was done in very easy relaxed way.
(exp had severe anxiety/depression)

does your ds see his bio father?

I didn't say having mental illness was a choice. I said he had chosen this path. Someone suffering from depression still has choices how to behave. He could have remained in his loving family, getting their support whilst receiving treatment, but he chose to leave. He could have picked up the phone to his son once in seven months, but he chooses to remain silent.

living with someone going thru throes of depression is hard so going elsewhere to get better isn't necessarily a bad thing....however, there is a balance between going elsewhere and cutting contact completely. however that is his choice as an adult, op and dc have to deal with it. But they are entitled to support with this - go to GP get referred to therapy/counselling for yourself and DC. espec the tweenager as if you don't get that support in place now it could spiral eg eating disorder etc

Many depressed and mentally unwell people genuinely believe that their family are better off without them as they are such bad people. Without knowing this man and knowing just how unwell he is then it's hard for any of us to know if he really had much of a choice in the decisions he has made. A lot of people with MI couldn't care less if they lived for one more minute let alone have any love for anyone else. I know this is not really what the post is about but I do feel that the horrors of mental illness have been slightly unrecognised. Hopefully in time he will become well enough to try to re establish contact with his family and that everyone will eventually be strong enough to deal with that.

Hi Heydey

I really appreciate the sympathy you have for how devastating depression can be. So few recognise it. So many of my friends and family hate DH for what he did and I have spent a long time defending him.

He has had my utmost sympathy and support for a year. I offered for us to live separately and let him heal, I took care of him, dealt with everything so I have no been unsympathetic or supportive. No pressure was applied to him. I have not burdened him with seeing the state he has left us in or facing up to the pain of what he has done to us because I DO feel a lot of sympathy for him.

He says he had no choice. It's not that he feels we are better off without him...he feels the opposite. He can only "cope" with his own needs.

I am aware its his awful depression that has triggered his behavior, but I do also believe he still has choices. He's aware depression can make you feel the way he does, but he keeps making the worst / most selfish choices that hurt other people. At times I have literally begged him to please wait until he is better to act, but he is so far down the rabbit hole that you cannot reason with him. In his eyes, everything is hopeless.

Speaking as someone who loves the man beyond measure - he has always had this "run away" streak in him, so I do think it's partially his own personality. Otherwise I do think more depressed people would leave. So many have the impulse to withdraw from their loved ones, but so few act on it because something holds them back.

I do agree he is suffering horribly though, without a doubt. Please don't think am not sympathetic.

I spent a long time allowing his depression to be an excuse for every awful thing he did (abandoning us financially, physically, emotionally) but after a year it wears thin. I am sure he has some semblance of ability to make choices. He must do?

As I said anyway, it's a bloody horrible situation where try and I might i have never been able to figure out the right thing to do.

Thank you cestlavie, I have already asked for a referral and the letter just came through for me to send DS. No, his birth father is not, and has never been interested in seeing him. A double blow for poor DS.

He is a lot better today. I am seriously considering contacting DH or maybe talking to his therapist to see is she thinks he is fit to meet with DS? Maybe take him for an ice cream and have him explain his situation to DS?

have this talk with DS therapist/counsellor. ds might be worried/fearful/do it for you but not for him....let him DS have that talk with a third party about what he DS wants.... no point pushing it.

Also, can anyone tell me how well children adjust to things like this in the long term? I keep wishing DS had been younger. it seems like the worst age :(

That's a good idea cestlavie

Thank you. Great idea actually.

You sound like a very kind and strong person who has had to cope with a great deal in life.
Seems like DH is totally looking out for himself so it's now time for you and your children to get some help and support to deal with all the crap that has befallen you. No doubt the road ahead is going to be a long and difficult one but I truly hope that in time this pain will ease and you can all begin to re build your lives. Who knows, perhaps you will actually be better off without him in the long run as he seems to care only about himself.

Heyday...yes, he does only care about himself. He was not always like that, but for now that's reality and we are better of without that. It's difficult.

I asked DS if he thought seeing Dad and chatting to him would help him to feel better and he said no way. I think he is just too angry.

I managed to have a great night with him last night, a friend came over and we all played board games and he said he felt much better.

I think Cestlavie is right and this is a job for a professional therapist to help us with. It's just too complex for me to understand.

Thanks to all of you for reading through and the support.