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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Choice between 2 men

20 replies

Pussycat02 · 21/05/2014 22:20

Hi desperately need some advice iv posted topic on here few weeks ago about my situation.iv been married 22 years and for the past 8 months or so have been having a emotional affair which every time I try to end I always miss him and things start up again. We've been on few dates kissing etc but no sex, he's now told me he wants me to leave my husband and won't have sex until I'm a free agent as it's wrong , he says he won't rush me I have such strong feelings for him he is twice divorced. My children are 19 and 21 so they are independent , but I'm in such a pickle do I stay in my dull marraige or do I go

OP posts:

littlegreenlight1 · 21/05/2014 22:26

You are the only person who can answer that but it sounds like you already know.

Hissy · 21/05/2014 22:29

He's a PLAYA...

Leave your dh, AND this creep that's sniffing around.

Do things properly. End your marriage. Be on your own for a bit and then see what's what.

nespressofan · 21/05/2014 22:29

Do right by your husband. End one or the other.

Branleuse · 21/05/2014 22:30

was your marriage already dull before the affair?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/05/2014 22:34

You actually like a man who holds out sex as a carrot provided you do as he says?.... I'm thinking there are good reasons why he's twice divorced.

If your marriage is dull either pep up the marriage or end the marriage. Anything in between is not fair on your husband and does you no credit.

mrsm22 · 21/05/2014 22:34

The fact that you're having any kind of affair, emotional or otherwise is a clear indication that you are not happy and content in your marriage. If you were happy and had what you wanted then you wouldn't have looked elsewhere or had your head turned. So that should answer your question. If you do leave your husband and it doesn't work out with this man, it was probably still the right thing thing to do as clearly your marriage is not a happy exciting one and you need out of that whether this new relationship works or not. Otherwise you'll be continuously looking for someone else and something better !

Original poster

Pussycat02 · 21/05/2014 22:35

No branleuse it wasn't it's just since met om have fallen madly in love and we've has 8 months of getting to no each other without sex

OP posts:

WildBill · 22/05/2014 07:08

This new man doesn't sound like a player to me, He's made it clear he doesn't want to be a bit on the side and you'll have to decide before things go further.

If your marriage was happy you wouldn't be tempted by others. Forget the new friend for a minute and imagine how you would feel if you were still in the same marriage 5, 10, 25 years from now.........would you leave anyway?
Hard decisions! - good luck!

Lweji · 22/05/2014 07:13

Why has he been divorced twice?

RollerCola · 22/05/2014 07:20

You've been having an affair for 8 months. He's been having a relationship with a married woman for 8 months.

You're both an immoral pair of individuals. If you do ever get together, there's a likely chance that you'll both cheat on each other again as neither of you appear to think you're doing anything wrong.

Good luck in your choice. Your husband doesn't deserve you.

Hissy · 22/05/2014 07:42

He sounds like he's all about the challenge of 'pulling you' i'd imagine once you're free to be with him, he won't be quite so interested.

He sounds like a serial philanderer. Are you seriously so self loathing that all you aspire to is to be wife number 3?

Please stop this stupidity and find out why you're so unfulfilled in your own life.

rainbowfeet · 22/05/2014 07:45

How would you feel if this was a post by your husband about you & another woman???

Cabrinha · 22/05/2014 07:50

I don't know which you should choose from that scant information though.

But please - you go on dates, you have kissed . YOU ARE HAVING AN AFFAIR.

You are cheating on your husband. Stop denying it. Stop minimizing it. Then make your decision.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/05/2014 08:00

The OP knows this is a morally wrong situation but has rationalised it with the twin ideas of being 'in love' and a 'dull marriage'. Both rationales may or may not be true but neither resolve the moral dilemma or the consequences of any one of the courses of action from this point. Whatever happens next, the risk is that someone suffers and - like a lot of people in the OP's position - she clinging to the idea that there is a way through this that means everyone stays happy with her. Eight months of not being discovered adds confidence.

I'd be a little worried that Mr Carrot will get fed up waiting and tell the husband anyway

LIZS · 22/05/2014 08:08

OM is playing with you , he is enjoying the tease and deception and if so you will soon become just another notch on the bedpost. I wonder if there are others involved on his side. Your 3rd "choice" is neither, which could be a positive move in that it clears your head or negative if your h and dc find out.

Hissy · 22/05/2014 10:30

You say you posted about this before.

What did replies to your thread say then?

I'm guessing the same, which wasn't what you wanted to hear, so you're back again to ask again.

Please réalisé that just because you haven't slept with him yet (because HE'S saying no) doesn't mean that you're cheating any less.

I know your kids are older, but what exactly do you think they're going to think when they know you've cheated on them all? Lied? Deceived etc.

NotNewButNameChanged · 22/05/2014 11:29

So if you haven't had sex but have been on lots of dates over a long time and you kiss, it's only an emotional affair?

Christ, a guy who said that would be crucified!

Wake up, smell the coffee. Have some self-respect and show some decency to your husband. Either work on your marriage or leave but leave to be on your own, not to play around with a twice divorced guy who will, in all likelihood, move on from you pretty sharpish.

kentishgirl · 22/05/2014 13:45

Please do the decent thing by your husband. If you marriage is dull, you no longer love him, then end it pronto rather than messing about having an affair behind his back.

An emotional affair is still an affair. In fact, they can be more hurtful to the betrayed person than a 'just sex' affair. My ex had one and thought he'd not done anything wrong because they hadn't had sex. Oh but they were in love and dated in secret. It absolutely devastated me when I found out. Honestly that hurt more than if he'd just shagged someone. Does your poor husband deserve this just because you've got in a rut in your marriage?

You don't want your husband. Leave, let him get on with his life without a cheater in it.

Twinklestein · 22/05/2014 13:47

Are you in line to be his third ex-wife or simply a bit on the side...? Neither is very appealing...

bumdiedum · 22/05/2014 14:15

Do you have to stay in a dull marriage? Can you do anything to make it an exciting, warm, funny one? Or does that just sound impossible? Maybe you could give yourself and your new prospect some time away from each other, say a couple of months, and be as lovely as you can be to your husband and see if things improve with him? Make him nice dinners, go out, buy him little things that show you're thinking about him, be affectionate, whatever you know he likes. You have things with him that you will never, ever have with someone else - he's your children's father, he's been with you growing into the adult you are. Presumably you married him for a reason? If you can get your marriage into the best condition it can be it might be more obvious whether or not it's worth staying in. And at least if it doesn't work out with the new guy you'd know you wouldn't still want to be in your marriage anyway.

You don't have to choose now. Unless the new prospect won't wait, in which case....

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