Advice-sorry long post!

[bronteheath]

Am posting for your take on my situation.Am aware it's only one side of the story, but trying to rationalise and think about my options.
Married 3 years to a man 8 years younger(I'm 38). We relocated for his work and since we moved last year his behaviour has been erratic, which I attributed to some turning 30s crisis.First two years of marriage friends used to say-you two restore my faith in relationships....

We talked tonight after things came to head as he'd been avoiding any quality time alone for weeks. Gets very drunk and abusive in what he says to me. Tonight he said he wished we'd never got married now he feels more secure, he doesn't believe in the institution and the societal pressure.I asked if that meant he didn't want to be with me, he said he was willing to try at our relationship.

He said I didn't get him and didn't communicate well-I only talk about work, we didn't have the same view on life. Although he agreed we had an amazing two years but felt marriage 'spoiled' our relationship.I have interesting friends (not a boast-they are brilliant people) have no problem making new ones -so surely I'm not as boring as he says I am. I plan nice things for us, am loving, the one to use endearments etc , that has stopped from him.

He then said he didn't want to wear his wedding ring all the time.Denied it was to do with signalling he's unavailable.I explained the symbolism of rings to me. We're very independent-holiday separately etc, so it's hardly that he feels stifled. We have one day together before I'm away-I thought we'd have a date then-just seen on Facebook he's agreed to spend it with a friend.
I'm trying not to get too emotional, find rejection hard due to parent's traumatic divorce when i was 18 , which featured on the front page of a tabloid as my Dad was a very minor public figure.

He denies outright that he has anyone else.Just that I don't 'get ' him.Surely that's the oldest script in the book?

It sounds like he has someone else. Sorry.

OW. Sorry.

You're saying exactly what my gut is saying and has been for a while.Glad I'm not going crazy!

Someone who just wants their wife doesn't start harping on about the restraints of societal pressures in marriage. Sceptical: [hmm

OK need to summon up strength to leave the man I thought was forever.

Oops never posted a emoticon before-that didn't work!

This friend he is spending the day with ?

His -ex who is now settled buying a house with boyfriend of many years - they got together when she had temporarily split from bfriendbefore we met....
I know ... But we all socialise together.. Surely he wouldn't shit on his own doorstep as it were..?

It's not unheard of

Does it honestly matter though ? He is acting like an arse, is vitually telling you he wishes you would disappear so that he can pursue that single life he covets so much...

So, give him what he wants. Your self respect is worth more than clinging on to someone so ridiculous

*virtually

Wise words - I want to walk away with head held high. First time posting in relationships -an objective view does help me see more clearly. Thank you.

Telling him to fuck off then if that's what he wants will certainly throw the cards into the air and you will see how they fall. Perhaps he will even come to his stupid senses.

Don't whine and cling and try and get him to love you again. Soul destroying, that is.

It sounds like he's already started to check out. Telling you he doesn't want to wear his ring (for whatever explanation) is his way of telling you this.
If he was invested in you and your relationship than any constraints (which I assume existed before your wedding day) wouldn't matter. How does he believe his life is somehow being restricted?

I think it's fair that he's honest about his feelings but not wanting to wear his ring reads to me like he's not planning to work at your relationship, he's just paying lip service as he doesn't have the strength to actually say it's over. He's given you the warm up speech which is just an advance warning of what is coming next.

Regardless of whether he has another woman or not (is this the restriction?), you can't work on anything alone.

I'm really sorry, it doesn't read well OP.

Yep. It's clearly all your fault.

Not. Sorry, can't see how you improve this situation. Why do you have separate holidays? Ok, occasional breaks but surely holidays are time you get together?

Thanks for the support and advice, it's means a lot as I try and navigate my emotions. I'm screaming inside but I love you and part of me wants to prove how wonderful I am/what fun we can have together.

But as you said AnyFucker that way madness lies. It takes two to work at a relationship and it's true i can't work on it alone. Not sure how to move forward as we rent a house together and still have 3 months left on contract.

Trying to force myself to have breakfast before work, but my stomach is a washing machine.Also determined not to cry in front of him, he's asleep so in the garden having a weep out here.

Matilda we used to do both, hols together and apart, but this year he's been off with friends -he says why should he pay more for holidays in my hols (I'm a teacher)!!