is anybody else in this position?

[whynowblowwind]

I am almost positive I want to leave DH. I'm scared though, of whether it's worse alone. I've left before but found it unbearably lonely and it'll be worse this time as I'm not working.

On the other hand I can't help but think there's more?

I'm so unhappy

If fear of being lonely is the barrier, you probably need to boost your social life and circle of friends in advance of leaving. You say you're not working... do you get out and about much? Too easy to rely on a partner - even a bad one - for companionship and think 'better the devil you know'.

I think that's sort of what has happened. But I am not sure what to do about it. I have young children. I have no car either.

I'm also terrified of the financial implications (DH has control of EVERYTHING), I have no family to help, I just feel alone.

You sound rather beaten down, subjected to forced dependency, low in confidence and I'm not surprised you found it hard to adjust to independence the last time. It sounds awful.

I think you have to get out urgently and then deal with the loneliness as part of the early price you pay for your freedom. In terms of finances, you're going to need some guidance on how to navigate the benefits system to begin with. But, as a wife rather than a partner, your DH will find a divorce relieves him of a large chunk of his assets plus he will be responsible for ongoing maintenance of any DCs. He may financially abuse you but he'll find the legal system less easy to bully.

Please contact Womens Aid 0808 2000 247 and ask for some assistance.

I won't be entitled to any benefits, I wouldn't have thought, DH earns a good salary and so we are not entitled to any child benefit even. Also, we don't have a mortgage on our property.

I'm frightened to stay and frightened to go

You will be entitled to Cb in your own right. You will also be entitled to (probably) more than half the house value ( no mortgage o/s so nothing to pay back).

Not sure on benefits but I don't think maintenance is taken into account (?) so that would be on top. Sounds like you would be better off?

Unless you earn a good salary of course you'd be entitled to benefits. Maintenance payments are not currently counted as income for benefits purposes so anything your DH contributed to your children or yourself would be in addition. As a guide, go to the 'benefits checker' in this link www.turn2us.org.uk, imagine you and the DCs are living elsewhere, and enter a few numbers for things like rent. See what it says.

If you don't have a mortgage on your property, congratulations. Depending on when the property was acquired (during the marriage?) it will be classed as a 'marital asset' and therefore around half the value of it is probably yours. How much would that be in round thousands?

I realise you're frightened. Abuse is frightening and I sympathise. But do some checking up, get some information, ask for some help ..... you're not in a cage but a room with a big open door.

Thanks, :) I know I need to make changes, it's just I want the DCs to have a nice secure home not reliant on rented property, and I'm very worried about DS in particular ... I worry that DH would say horrible things about me and turn the children against me, and that they'd grow in this horrible fractured house.

I just don't know. And I have no transferable skills or way of earning money really (DD is very, very young)

You can bank on an exH as horrible as you describe saying bad things about you. That sounds like a given in the circumstances. But be under no illusion, currently DS is already growing up in a 'horrible fractured house' where Mum is treated badly, shown no respect, is frightened etc. I don't know how old he is but he will already be getting the impression that this is how real men are entitled to behave towards women.... or ... he'll be worried about you and frustrated that he can't protect you.

I'm doing what sales people call 'objection handling' at the moment. Keep putting up the objections... DS.. no transferrable skills.... loneliness... and I'll keep swatting them away until I get down to the one REAL reason why you're not walking out of that door.

What's keeping you there?... be honest.

I felt that way with my exh. But when I finally got out, things were so much better and financially I was better off than I had been before. It was scary, but it was for the best.

Honestly, what's keeping me are several things.

I do still love him in a way and I believe he loves me, although he's rubbish in how it is shown.

I want my children to grow up in a home with 2 parents

I would be lonely - I doubt I'd meet anyone else.

What is he doing to make you miserable? Have you tried talking to him? Would therapy help?

He tells me off and talks down to me. He doesn't like me spending any money, and I get told off when I do. He brings up the fact I had previous postnatal depression all the time. I don't enjoy sex with him either.

OK... objection handling again.

A man that talks down to you, brings up PND all the time, denies you access to money and has sex with you knowing it gives you no pleasure does not love you. He is abusing you.

A home with 2 parents where one parent is bullied by the other is a sad & very stressful environment for a child to grow up in. They don't get a choice where they live or with whom.

You sound lonely in your marriage. If you never met anyone else but spent the rest of your life not being criticised, insulted and generally mistreated... wouldn't that be preferable?

As for your love for him.... look up 'Stockholm Syndrome'. People held captive and mistreated can start to feel affection towards their captor. It's an attempt at self-preservation.