Have I done the right thing re: friend's drinking?

[BettySpaghetti]

I would appreciate peoples views on this please as I'm worried I've said or done the wrong thing.

A good friend of mine has always enjoyed a drink but recently I've been really worried about her. Shes been through a lot over the past 3 years -when her DS (2nd child) was born I think she had PND (and on reflection she thinks she had it too). Her son was very difficult and demanding and his arrival seemed to cause a rift between friend and her DH -this has got progressively worse.
Last year friends Dad died after a tramatic illness and since then my friend has been what I can only describe as a mess (and TBH I think she has described herself as this to me). She seems traumatised by the last weeks of her Dads life and watching him die.

She has been on and off sleeping tablets and ADs. Tried bereavement counselling but "didn't get on with it" etc although may consider trying it again. What worries me most is her drinking though.
Until now I've not said anything to her about it but yesterday I felt I needed to. When I was talking to her about how she was, whether she was back on the tablets or not, I then asked her if she was still drinking. Her eyes welled up with tears (as they had been doing on and off when talking about how she was generaly and about her recent visit to her Mum). She said she was. I told her that I had been worried about her drinking for some time but pointed out that I was mentioning it not to "have a go", but because I was worried about her. She was quite tearful but didn't really say much. I asked if she was upset because she saw her drinking as a problem and she nodded but then left the room. She was obviously upset and asked for "a few minutes".

After that we never got the chance to say anything else about it as the children were there demanding lunch etc. Before we left I again reiterated that I was worried about her and if there was anything I could do she just needed to ask (like looking after her DS while she went for bereavement counselling).

I sent her a text last night saying I felt bad about it but was worried as shes been through such a lot etc but have not heard back (although I appreciate she may need time)

Have I done the wrong thing? How would you feel if confronted like this? What should I do next?

i think it is brilliant that you have opened the subject up. It does not have to be hidden. i think you should talk about it now, keep it open, that way she can always come to you for advice or help.

I ahve a mate who is an alcoholic..sadly I have had to tell her that i want nothing more to do with her until she stops drinking as her behaviour was becoming terrible.

Next time you see her I think you should bring the subjecy up again and ask her if she has thought of dealing with it

Thank-you for those words beetroot.

I'm hoping that she will do something about it -she has an excellent GP who seems to have a lot of time for her re; the depression and bereavement issues so I'm hoping she will approach her about it

betty i thnk you have done the right thhing too.
she may not like you for a week or more but it will give her time to reflect - hopefully - and if u keep texting to check shes ok and you're free to talk it out, then she'll only thnak u immensely in 6 mths time.

my firend has a nightly bottle of wine, single 35 works with family, no boyfriend ever and thats not a lie, she just never meet anyone who lasted more than a month if even.

we (a small group) made a decision to kinda atch out for her but not tackly her straight on, its ongoing. i gave her a great fiction novel to read as it might open her eyes a wee bit , 2 mths ago and she still hasnt read it.

You did absolutely the right thing Betty.

Thank you hermykne and VVVQV -I was dreading posts popping up saying I'd done totally the wrong thing !

What would be the best way forward for her do you think ? As in what should she tackle first -bereavement or general counselling? help re:alcohol addiction?

Agree with Beety 100%. I have also got an alcoholic friend who I have cut contact with because her behaviour was becoming dangerous (and I was scared for my kids when with her). I wish I had done what you did before it was too late. I only ever talked to her about the problem in a light-hearted way, she would laugh off the latest bender/ disaster saying 'oh well, you know me - the alcoholic!' I wish I had been brave enough to sit her down and ask her to face the issue and explained why I was withdrawing contact. Instead I just took the cowards way out.
Good for you. You are a true friend - unlike I was.

Betty - you have done absolutely the right thing. As she didn't deny it (as most alcoholics would do) then she knows its a problem and may be ready to deal with it.
As I'm sure you are aware bereavement, alcoholism and depression are all closely linked, the last two acting like a spiral that can only go downwards if not tackled. I think the best thing to do would be for her to talk to her GP about the drinking as well as everything else and then talk to someone from AA.

FWIW my SiL went through something similar 2 years ago and when she did eventually decide to tackle it AA were fantastic (and much to her snobbish surprise full of doctors, lawyers, etc) She has been dry for over a year and life has got much better for everyone!

I think you are being a great friend in mentioning it and she WILL appreciate it in time.

Shimmy - don't be so hard on yourself. Alcoholism is a HORRIBLE disease and alcoholics are the last people to recognise the effects on themselves and their friennds and family. Chances are if you had tackled your friend seriously she would have denied it was really a problem and turned it all round to be your fault (been there, got the t-shirt!) I think Betty's friend just might be at the point where she is ready to deal with things, I hope so.

thanks tessasmum

Thanks everyone -you've made me feel much better about what I've said and done.

Tessasmum -I, too, am hoping that shes at that point where shes ready to deal with things.

Shimmy -believe me I've been the "coward" until now as I think I was scared she would deny it and be really pi$$ed off with me. Its not an easy thing to do - don't feel bad about it.

You were all right, thank you wise Mners. My friend phoned me today- she said shes going to make an appt. with Cruse for bereavement counselling and is going to tackle the drinking (not sure if shes doing this with help or on her own -she couldn't say too much as her children were in the room) and is seeing her GP again this week.

Hopefully she is at a point where she is strong enough to succeed and get through it with some help.

BS. You were spot on, as you know by now.

My dearest, closest friend of 20 years standing drank himself to a stand still, in the last five years of his life. He committed suicide Good Friday last year. By then he was just a machine for turning vodka into urine. Yet, he WAS the most beautiful man I had ever known and the decline was a tragedy.
He had good periods, and bad ones, and it needed monitoring almost daily. But he was determined.

your friend sounds like she uses booze as the crutch if seems to offer. Progressing on those other issues WILL lead to a decline in the booze. Demonstrating a 'warmth of concern' and a little vigilance may be all she needs at this stage. She has had her unhappiness noted, and perhaps feels a little cared for?

Sorry. Also, drinkers ALWAYS under-report their consumption. If she discusses amounts, add on one-third, or a half again, and will have a truer picture.

Panman -that must have been awful to see your friend deteriorate like that and then lose them so tragically .

yes. It was. We do still have conversations, though they are a little one sided. Miss him.

Your friend may need badgering. Best wishes.